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Original poster

Anyone else having a miserable valentines day?

163 replies

Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 09:23

I got no gifts which is standard and absolutely fine. But I was also once again rejected sexually last night and so am feeling very glum.

I always feel more connected after we have made love which doesn't happen very often at all anymore, I seem to have my physical needs more and more starved as the years go on which has had a huge affect on my physical appearance and on my mental stability.

So its valentines day and I feel awful. Like half a woman.

OP posts:
Sherlockholmes221b · 14/02/2014 11:17

Thanks for you this Valentine's Day Fify. It's awful to be coping with a sexless marriage in your 20's. How long have you been married? Has it always been like this? If it's not a stupid question are you sure your husband is heterosexual? Hmm

Original poster
Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 11:18

We've no money and we've become quite insular in the last few years so no real friends of which to speak.

I've asked work to put me on standby for tonight, They've arranged for me to work tomorrow morning but don't need me for the rest of the weekend unfortunately.

If I could I would just go out to work at 4pm and work solidly through until Monday morning.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2014 11:22

Is it the money, are you insular by nature or have you been discouraged from having a social life & friends by your DH?

Original poster
Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 11:28

I used to have a lot of friends but since we had kids we have both changed so much.

Its not him stopping me from having friends at all.

OP posts:
Weliveinabeautifulworld · 14/02/2014 11:31

You need to get back out there! Reconnect with old friends!

Original poster
Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 11:49

They are all pot heads I think I'd rather make new friends

OP posts:
Keepithidden · 14/02/2014 11:51

Lots of good advice here Fify, though I fully appreciate how difficult it is to take action when you've got little self esteem, finances are tight and there doesn't seem to be a way out that won't cause considerable pain.

Is it a subject you can talk about with DH at all? Do you think it is a situation that could be salvaged with external help? I'm thinking along the lines of counselling, although your DH does sound a bit callous so maybe this isn't an option.

Either way (within the marriage or post LTB) I think beautifulworld's advice is spot on, you sound like you need some time to be yourself, get away from it all, make some new friends or reconnect with old ones.

Keepithidden · 14/02/2014 11:52

Oops, x-posted. Make some new friends then! Do you have hobbies, interests or something you could sink efforts into?

WhateverTrevor83 · 14/02/2014 11:53

Oh Fifyfo - I'm 30 too. PLEASE don't put up with this any more.
You will look back in years to come and CRINGE that you put up with this!!!

Original poster
Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 12:04

1 play the guitar and sing but my confidence IS so low live not gigged for ages.

I also study with the 0U So going to throw myself into that. 1 might start jogging in the evenings, get rid of some pent-up Sexual feelings

OP posts:
TinselTownley · 14/02/2014 12:11

I think that's treating the symptoms rather than the cause. A drop in libido is one thing, using sex as a control mechanism another. He should be talking this through with you not bartering.

Does/has he smoke/smoked a lot of gear, OP? I've known a few 'pot heads' who have suffered a complete cessation in sex drive either while using or a long time after stopping.

I do second the advice about making friends. Is there a forum for your OU course? Maybe you could start chatting on there to get back into the swing of conversing with someone other than him?

In the short term, I send you Valentine's happy thoughts. You deserve to be and feel wanted.

QwertyBird · 14/02/2014 12:16

You do know that leaving to be happy is the opposite of selfish don't you? Happy mum is very important to your children, as is their view of relationships. They will know you are unhappy. He will still see them, it sounds like he has them when you work any way.
It's time to take charge. Neither of you can be happy as things are.

Keepithidden · 14/02/2014 12:16

Ha ha! I do the exercise thing too. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't got to be worth a try. Could you record some of your music onto YouTube or something like that? Get a bit of confidence back that way?

RE: the medication to reduce sex drive. When I first joined MN I posted something along those lines in the Dadsnet section asking for advice on anaphrodisiacs. Unfortunately there is very little out there, I tried the herbal route initially something called Monks Pepper or Chasteberry (Agnus Castus). Unfortunately it didn't work for me, but could be worth a try for you? Then there's always the Pill, notorious for reducing sex drive and apparently used with some success to reduce the urges of sex offenders. I've had a mouse cursor hovering over the Swiss Pharmacy website a couple of times for that!

Keepithidden · 14/02/2014 12:20

Forgot to add, medication shouldn't be a solution, more a way of coping with the symptoms while seeking a solution. At least for me personally, but my opinion is not medically trained and liable to be jaded and heavily influenced by my own psyche. Probably best to research it yourself if you wish to go down that route.

I.e. the normal caveats.

beingacow · 14/02/2014 12:20

Op, you really can't just turn that part of yourself off without killing something vital inside of you. Why should you? You are young and have so much to give. Your husband is using your very natural desire for sex with him as a stick to beat you with, and a method of control. If he no longer feels sexual desire for you and that desire is something you require in order to be happy, you must split up. For you, so you can be desired again, or, if not that then at least to escape wrestling with the torture of rejection; and for his well-being too.
Why would your children be happy with parents who don't really, properly love each other? What will that teach them, eventually?

I lived in a sex less marriage for seven years. My ex would have kept going the way we were as he was passive, but I finally got the courage to leave (aged 32). I've met someone else four years down the line and we have wonderful sex, he desires me and loves me. My past experience has effected me: if my partner doesn't feel like sex or if time goes by without it (a week or do) I get anxious as I have such a fear of that rejection happening again. But I'm learning how to have a normal relationship and to trust his love and desire. If I hadn't left I never would have been able to learn this. I was a shell, felt invisible, unloveable and undeserving. I learned to be happy alone, had a few flings to remember about sex, then luckily met my partner.

CurtWild · 14/02/2014 12:24

I can relate. And the feeling of being 'half a woman' is awfully close to home. Except there is no harmony. Today my 'P' is happily sending eCards to and saying it's perfectly fine because we're separated. Whilst still living under the same roof. I got a lovely non-romantic message from a friend, to which my 'p' responded with 'why not go shag him, he obviously wants you'..
Anyway, big hugs, you're not alone. I'm spending the afternoon baking heart buns with my little ones and taking them to my parents. Happy Valentines day x

Original poster
Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 12:36

I have been looking and certain anti-depressants reduce libido to next to nothing. I think I might try that.

And jogging of course.

OP posts:
Bahhhhhumbug · 14/02/2014 12:47

I can relate too but in a different way. I miss that 'connection' that we used to have and it was a very important part of our relationship. We had an amazing and regular sex life. But since I hit menopause I have piled on weight and I feel and look so frumpy (slightly spoilt by having always had a really good figure up to last few years) I have tried everything to lose weight and I cant seem to shift it and because I now hate my body I just can't feel sexy anymore. I now still have sex with DH but not as regularly but it is like a chore to me now , I cant wait to hide my horrible fat lumpy body back under the covers. DH says and does all the right things and still obviously fancies and loves me (the hydraulics still work , put it that way , so I presume he is being truthful about the former). But I also barter with him as you say OP - I tell him 'Can we wait till weekend' or whatever. I am always trying to get away with it iows. Not helped by the fact that my DH made a huge fuss about my lovely body blah blah before I put the weight on , so I know now that he loved my body as it was and slim and toned is his 'type'. He can't 'unsay' those things so this is always at back of my mind that I am not 'his type' anymore.

Maybe your DH is suffering similar negative feelings about himself - I am sure men too can suffer from low self esteem/body image as much as women. Or maybe he has a physical problem stopping him. Please don't try and blame yourself OP , either way , even if he is just being a selfish arse , it is not your fault.

Bahhhhhumbug · 14/02/2014 12:49

.....I am slightly spoilt.... I meant there btw.

Original poster
Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 12:54

I was much slimmer when we met but he made no secret of the fact that he didnt find me particularly attractive even then.

He has aways been a clumsy lover, we've really had to work to get used to each other and now I am a lot bigger so the jogging will probably help, but I am so l overweight and he is much better at making love to me but never wants to.

I feel like we worked really hard to get used to each other and it did have a profound affect on my self esteem and how I felt about myself physically. It isn't nice to know that you aren't attractive, anyway we have worked really hard at it and now its like he doesnt want to feed that connection, he wants to starve me of it and I know that it has a truly negative affect on me. Today I have been so low, upset about myself and just feeling depressed, while I watch everyone around me on facebook and stuff talk about how wonderful their partners are and all the little gifts they have got.

I don't really want any of that, I just wanted to feel wanted.

OP posts:
pumpkinsweetie · 14/02/2014 12:56

I am 30 too op, it's still very young to waste your life with someone you are unhappy with, infact it doesn't matter how old you are! Life is to be lived!

At your age you are in your prime, don't throw it all away when you could make a new life for yourself and who knows maybe you will find that special someone that you have a connection with.

It sounds to me that this man has chipped away at your confidence by constantly knocking you back. If you moved on you will find it easier to gain your confidence back.

Bahhhhhumbug · 14/02/2014 12:56

and if it does turn out to be the latter - 'just being a selfish arse' then I agree with others you should get out and start again , you deserve so much more.

Original poster
Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 12:57

I'm kind of counting down the days to the menopause so that I wont want sex anymore.

OP posts:
kentishgirl · 14/02/2014 13:00

I'm sorry a lot of you are having such unhappy days, and feeling so low about yourself.

Not to jump on the 'leave him' bandwagon, as I know it's not usually as simple as that, but the comparison between my Valentine's Day 2 years ago and today is huge.

2 years ago - in an unhappy relationship, not appreciated, very overweight from comfort eating about relationship, got a card but looked at it and thought it wasn't how he really felt, suspected he was having affair, was drinking far too much, not sleeping, felt trapped and life was just awful.

Today - in my own flat, happy as Larry, free, relationship with lovely man who appreciates me and makes me feel good, lost 3 stone without any effort at all, rarely drinking, sleeping fine, looking and feeling 10 years younger.

My point is that life doesn't have to stay the same. Changing it is very, very hard, true. But if you aren't happy - you are worth the effort.

pumpkinsweetie · 14/02/2014 13:00

oh op that is so sad, don't wish these years away Sad
Happy birthday for tomorrowThanks hope you are spending it with a friend and not him x