Husband wants to leave, my world has ended

[Despair9]

I've never posted before so please bear with me.
I've read some other posts and there seems to be lots of good advice and I didn't know where else to turn.

So 12 days ago my DH tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants to end our marriage. We have been married 10 years, have a DD 9 years old. We both work full time so life is a struggle and we haven't put as much into our marriage as we should, I will admit that. But I am absolutely floored by his announcement, my DD has no idea, to her we're a loving wonderful secure family. I haven't eaten, hardly slept, I don't know how I'm functioning at work. Every time I try to comprehend what he's said to me my head goes into a wild spin and I can't breathe. I've no more tears left inside me. I begged and pleaded with him, then read advice on line which says that's the worse thing to do. I really don't think I can go on.
How can he not even want to try to put things right? He says he won't do counselling, that there is no point as he has no feelings left.
I am so desperate. This never, ever was anything I envisaged happening.
He's told his best friend and then last night tells me he's told his mother. I'm so frightened, but I need to remain strong for our DD.
I just don't think I can cope.

But angry for you too. I'm not in your area but sure people can PM you.

Don't give too many personal details about locations.

This is NOT your fault. Keep posting.

I am so sorry Despair.

Use the anger pro-actively. Paperwork, solicitor and I am sorry to say STI clinic Start the ball rolling on any help/benefits that you can get to help you out.

Is there anyone you can get to take his place on your trip? There is no way you should lose out on seeing your DD enjoy this trip through his selfish actions.

Tell friends and family and use them all for what help you can.

We are here with a virtual hand hold and (others) with useful information but nothing beats friends/family at a time of crisis.

Try asking in legal for a solicitor recommendation?

Despair You are not a fool. He is. You sound like a very loving person, and he is a twat. You can do this - you will get through it.

Cheaper where you pay as-and-when can backfire because you could end up paying a lot more in the long run. Eg if everything's in writing, and you go through the solicitor foreverything it racks up £20 for every letter the solicitor writes.

Go to www.resolution.org.uk and use the 'find a family lawyer' option.

A personal recommendation is good but ask a solicitor for a recommendation if you know one because they know the profession more and who to avoid.

If you have a joint banking account, protect yourself now, so he doesn't empty it.

Hopefully child benefit is already coming to you. If it's going to a joint account, get it changed to one with just your name on it.

FFS I'm so sorry Despair. I always hope against hope that everyone has got it wrong this time.

Agree that posting in legal is a good idea. Make your anger work for you and kick him the fuck out

Has he said why he is not in love with you yet? Has he given reasons ? There is nearly always another woman. It follows a pattern. Very sorry your going through this but its early days yet and a lot can still happen.

oh OP, i am so sorry :( Two very selfish cunts - does she have children?

Despair - i think its time you wrote another letter to his parents :( Tell people, don't let him put the blame on you - fucking toad

I'm so sorry everyone's thoughts proved right. It just rang a bell with me because he sounds so much like my ex!

I'd pick some solicitors local to you and go for a first (free - many offer free first appointments) and plump for one you feel comfortable with. The law society may also have some recommendations. I'd go for one reasonably local as with a child you'll want one you can get to easily to sign things and whatever else.

Things will get better from here. I know it sounds weird but at least you know he's been an utter utter cunt rather than being able to rationalise it by putting it down to depression. Sometimes I found that easier to deal with and gave me the cathartic urge to hit him with my car. (Kidding but I did have some very angry thoughts! Who wouldn't!)

I also watched a lot of really rubbish chick flicks. He's just not that into you became one of my favourites. I recognised a lot of my marriage in that. I also like the idea that getting hurt doesn't mean you've failed at love, there's nothing wrong with putting yourself out there. like you I really felt I put everything into my marriage and I felt annoyed with myself for doing so but now I can look back and feel I gave it my all, and most importantly none of it was my fault.

Hugs x

You're not a fool, you're just a woman who loved a man, and hoped and believed that you could get through this together..... I did that too. I know how hard it is - I felt ashamed that I hadn't been 'good enough' to hold my marriage together.
Then one day I had a revelation - that this was his shame, not mine. It totally changed how I felt about everything.
Forgive me if I'm projecting, but it helped me find the strength I needed to get through all of the shit that comes with a breakup (and I divorced his sorry arse too).

Oh, OP, I'm so sorry.

What a bastard he is.

Sorry OP missed the bit where he has told you about the other woman.
Its still early days though and there is still a lot that you will go through and you may find that once he goes that he will be unsure of what he really wants. He thinks he is in love at the moment but once he has got what he wants, he might not want it anymore so be prepared for him to change his mind and be coming back and forth. It is up to you whether you still want him though.

You will absolutely get through this, I promise. Am glad to hear you're getting signed off work for a bit.

It's also really important to tell people in real life, starting with his parents. Don't be ashamed, don't be embarrassed, you have done nothing wrong. He will be counting on you to keep his nasty little secrets for him - don't.

I hope he's had the decency to fuck off now?

Oh Despair I'm so sorry love.

What a total twat, please don't feel foolish, you trusted your partner, sms why wouldn't you?

Really glad to hear the determination in your posts though, you can do this.

Have you got some support?

Does dd know he's moving out?

Sending you strength and courage for the ups and downs to come, we are all behind you.

I'm so sorry to read this OP.

Has he left your home?

Op...
Sending you a hug.

You sound strong. Dig deep now...protect yourself.

OP

You will get through it. My friend has just been through similar - she believed him when he swore blind there wasn't another woman. There was of course. He'd been having an affair for months.

It is important to get a good solicitor - go by recommendation if you can. Don't go with the 'cheapest'. Follow the other advice above, regarding documents, bank statements, bank accounts etc. Make sure you have all the financial information to hand when you see a solicitor.

My friends ex-husband tried to nick off with the dc's passports when he left - apparently this is quite common - a way of maintaining control over the dc he's leaving

Shit, sorry OP. He was being a twat.

No advice to offer, only to echo that already provided.

Every time this happens I lose a bit of faith in my gender.

He is awful, he is just the most selfish, weak duplicitous bastard.

Write something down, something strong and angry and hold onto it, so when you feel low or sad or you miss you that asshole, read it, get angry, and fuck him right off!!!

So sorry OP.

It will get better. Take care of yourself.

Not another weak cheating bastard.

You have done the right thing in kicking him out.

Be kind to yourself x

So sorry OP. .