Husband wants to leave, my world has ended

[Despair9]

I've never posted before so please bear with me.
I've read some other posts and there seems to be lots of good advice and I didn't know where else to turn.

So 12 days ago my DH tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants to end our marriage. We have been married 10 years, have a DD 9 years old. We both work full time so life is a struggle and we haven't put as much into our marriage as we should, I will admit that. But I am absolutely floored by his announcement, my DD has no idea, to her we're a loving wonderful secure family. I haven't eaten, hardly slept, I don't know how I'm functioning at work. Every time I try to comprehend what he's said to me my head goes into a wild spin and I can't breathe. I've no more tears left inside me. I begged and pleaded with him, then read advice on line which says that's the worse thing to do. I really don't think I can go on.
How can he not even want to try to put things right? He says he won't do counselling, that there is no point as he has no feelings left.
I am so desperate. This never, ever was anything I envisaged happening.
He's told his best friend and then last night tells me he's told his mother. I'm so frightened, but I need to remain strong for our DD.
I just don't think I can cope.

Oh love! So sorry! We none of us wanted to be right, but it really was screaming at us. :(

You really will get through this, and you wiull be ok.

Yes it will take time and effort to get there, but we're not going anywhere, you have us 24 hours a day!

(((hug)))

Pm'd you a company I know.

MissScatterbrain when you say weak cheating bastard are you speaking about the OW or the OPs OH?

So sorry Despair

So very many of us here have been where you are now and, although the road is dark and difficult, you will get through it and things will be good again.

Hope you find that solicitor. Get RL support.

You said up thread that there were a lot of strong posters here. Sadly, we have gotten strong through similar experiences and we are here absolutely all the way for you. Big hugs xx

Sorry to hear this. Be kind to yourself - try to make sure you eat and sleep. And tell everyone. This man will probably try to get you to keep quiet so he can a) get his story in first and b) keep his options open.

It's very common for selfish men like him to play wife and new partner off against each other as a way of keeping both women fixated entirely on feeding his ego - he has a row with her? She's not obedient enough? He'll threaten to come back to you. You show any sign of moving on with your life, or your divorce lawyer sends him a stern letter? He will turn up with flowers and try to charm you for a bit.

ANd if he does decide he prefers his home comforts don't let him back in for a good long time, if ever. Because once he's had an affair and seen your pain and distress, he has a weapon to use - any time you're disrespectful, refuse sex, ask him to do some housework, he can put a wistful face on and say he misses the OW or whatever...

peggy - what a strange question.

OW is bad enough but she is not the focus here. After all its HIM who made his marriage vows to OP and who lied and deceived her...

I am impressed you have got him out so quickly. I know it hurts but it is better than limping on until April. Now is the time to get angry. You have the advantage now if you work fast to ensure you get the maintenance you need.
I do know of the solicitors we used when buying our house. PM me as I am near you and I can give you their names.

Well now his parent know, my parents know. My dd heard me crying and came downstairs and with DH away (gone to sleep at his parents) I had to tell her. She was totally devastated. I didn't tell her about ow, just that mommy and daddy had had a row and that he'd gone to sleep at nanas and grandads. She's not stupid though and totally got the severity of the situation and was hysterical. She than asked if she could draw a picture, so I said of course and gave her pen and paper. It's the saddest thing I will ever see, a picture of me, daddy and her holding hands next to a pond feeding the ducks.
I've found a solicitor online and will call them first thing, I wonder if you can get same day appointments? I've emailed my boss to say I'm ill tomorrow and will call school to say dd is I'll too (she sobbed earlier "please don't make me go to school"

Oh love, it's rotten. By all means throw yourself a pity party and cry it out, not your dd should keep to her schedule.

Her up tomorrow and send dd to school, keep your routines and use your time tomorrow to get passwords, solicitors, etc sorted.

We often have pizza and a film on a Friday, bit of bribery would be good.

You're incredible.

I'd email a copy of that picture to your bastard of a 'husband.' Let him start facing up to the reality of what he's done.

oh you poor thing and your poor DD, and your pathetic weak bastard of a husband. I agree with clam - he has broken his daughters heart - for what? some slapper (and don't anyone dare tell me not to say that - the bloody cow is married too, maybe she has children but they are putting their genitals before their children)

so angry and sad for you OP :(

So sorry OP.... Let us know how you go with finding a solicitor....have a friend in knowle who used one that way....an absolute Rottweiler....ill try and get her number if you have no luck.

He is a fucking twat of the highest order.

Thinking of you and your dd

I hope you manage some sleep. Are you on half term Monday? Maybe start it early and hang out with DD tomorrow.

She'll be fine if she knows you're fine. So your priority is you - because that sorts her.

It will be hard, but it will be ok.

I'm so very sorry for you and your little girl, despair9. But remember she has a fabulous mum who is showing her right now how strong and amazing women can be and that she will not accept being treated badly by a man. You did so brilliantly to make him leave tonight. She is lucky to have you as her role model. I hope you get some rest tonight.

Oh love. You're not the fool, he is. You were the trustworthy one, you believed he was a good man. This just means that you're the good one, not him.

Best wishes to you and your lovely daughter. Try to confide in friends irl - you'll be amazed at how supportive people are - that's what my friend found.

Keep posting here for support x

oh no you poor thing

glad to hear that you have time off work to get things sorted.

Have you anyone in RL helping you? You really will need it. You said earlier that I sounded strong in my post to you but honestly I was where you are only last April. Its like a horrible nightmare. I did that thing where I would wake up and feel great for that split second when I had forgotten that it had happened - it really felt like I had dreamt it all......then reality would hit.

You will feel in a fog and RL support will be able to help you just get through the minutes, hours, days.

Whatever you decide I echo those posters who say to keep remembering that this shitstorm was of HIS making. HE chose the age old 'grass is greener' route instead of the grown up solution try to make things work.

You sound amazing and you will be amazed at what strength you can find but do lean on anyone you can. I found everyone to be so helpful and understanding.

Tell DD school asap (not necessarily gory details but even just there are difficulties btwn mum & dad) as they prob have counsellor or pastoral care who can help. My DDs had real support from school and it helped us all as they knew there was someone else they could talk to. As a teacher myself I know I would want to know if any pupil had this going on as it can often come out at unexpected times at school.

Sending you strength via MN and keep posting whenever you want to. Those who have gone before will be wise and helpful.

Oh, and I say keep your dd off school tomorrow. Let her have a few days to adjust, the poor little thing.

I was 9 when my dad left for the ow - and it does feel like the sky'd fallen in at first. It did normalise pretty quickly - hopefully this will the case for your dd.

Thanks for all the posts, especially those that have been through the same experience. It's so comforting to know that you can come out the other side.
I've been going through bank statements and paperwork to get everything together in case solicitor can see me tomorrow. Found out he opened a new bank account 29th Jan and I do now remember seeing paperwork that she has access to the account. She is the bookkeeper at office where he works so when I queried it he said she was going to be doing some of his accounts for him. I keep asking myself how I could have been so blind and trusting?? I'm such an idiot.

Ohcrap :( I just read your update. I'm so sorry

Take that inner rage now and use it. Coldly and with steely determination. To fight for yourself and your DD. Because you can bet your last cent he has been thinking only of himself for months

He is no longer your concern.

I think you should send your DD into school tomorrow so you can do what needs to be done.

Get a solicitor. Get an Sti check. Get his stuff put into bin bags and left outside for him to collect. Get all your paperwork together (and his) and get it somewhere safe. If you haven't got anyone to keep it safe for you, hide it where he won't find it. Lift? Car boot?

We are all here cheering you on xxx

And RL support is coming on great thanks. My dad's been round tonight, my mum knows and I will see her tomorrow. Also my sister has just called and we had a very emotional chat and she's offered me all the support she can (although she has 6 dc of her own and lives 1.5hrs away) but I know she meant it.

Lift? I meant loft!

Did he tell you about the ow in the end, OP?

I emailed him the picture she drew and he's just emailed me

'A very nice picture.
How is she. Truthfully, not melodramatically'

Wtf am I meant to say to that?? Well I know what I want to say!!
Dd was absolutely beside herself, hysterical, but because he wasn't here to see it now he thinks I'm just exaggerating ?? Unbelievable

if you are who I think you are I love you and you can so get through this. Stay strong. You are worth 100 of him and you will be a more than fabulous mummy to your dd. xx

he is an arsehole.