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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants to leave, my world has ended

464 replies

Despair9 · 12/02/2014 20:23

I've never posted before so please bear with me.
I've read some other posts and there seems to be lots of good advice and I didn't know where else to turn.

So 12 days ago my DH tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants to end our marriage. We have been married 10 years, have a DD 9 years old. We both work full time so life is a struggle and we haven't put as much into our marriage as we should, I will admit that. But I am absolutely floored by his announcement, my DD has no idea, to her we're a loving wonderful secure family. I haven't eaten, hardly slept, I don't know how I'm functioning at work. Every time I try to comprehend what he's said to me my head goes into a wild spin and I can't breathe. I've no more tears left inside me. I begged and pleaded with him, then read advice on line which says that's the worse thing to do. I really don't think I can go on.
How can he not even want to try to put things right? He says he won't do counselling, that there is no point as he has no feelings left.
I am so desperate. This never, ever was anything I envisaged happening.
He's told his best friend and then last night tells me he's told his mother. I'm so frightened, but I need to remain strong for our DD.
I just don't think I can cope.

OP posts:
DCRbye · 13/02/2014 17:17

I agree with tamer and maleview that it is not necessarily an OW. My father walked out when depressed. It's a common illness and this behavior is a very common response to it. Especially if there are issues in the marriage which would make him feel hopeless about the possibility of resolving them. I also believe the fragile op might need to stabilise and consider that there are many options which mean this is not "forever". If he is depressed, his behavior is entirely understandable IMO from extensive family and personal experience with it.

However, preparing for the worst is sometimes not a bad thing, and the op hearing stories from people in similar situations where there was an OW gives her a broad range of possibilities.

It's good to hear and read a range of responses in that situation but also, op, I think it is a bit too soon to lose hope or to feel any sense of finality. it's early days and you don't yet have an explanation.

I'd keep my mind open, listen to everyone's experiences and then find ways to figure this out slowly.

DCRbye · 13/02/2014 17:18

100% agree with Honeysweet.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 13/02/2014 17:21

But according to the OP, they didn't have a big row. He simply told her it was over and he would be moving out in April. Done deal.

I think it's unhealthy at this point to encourage her to turn herself inside out trying to convince him that a reconciliation would be good. She needs to accept his decision and start her own life, which would be much easier for her if he moved out immediately. Right now it's just going to be ongoing torture for her emotionally while she does everything she can to get him sweet, and then twice as painful when he leaves. It's denial and it just doesn't seem healthy to encourage that.

She doesn't want him to leave at all. He has said he will. He is using her denial to make life easier for himself right now, regardless of the pain it's causing (and will cause) her in the long run.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 13/02/2014 17:21

Honey, they haven't had a big row. He has told her he doesn't love her anymore and that he is going to leave in April. She has begged and pleaded with him not to go, and he insists its over. He is refusing counselling. He doesn't want to reconcile.
What do you want her to do? Beg and plead some more?

teaandthorazine · 13/02/2014 17:27

If she asks him to move out at this stage, this risks him starting his new life, and getting used to it.

I 100% disagree with honeysweet.

Logg1e · 13/02/2014 17:28

What big row Honey?

What depression DCR?

DCRbye · 13/02/2014 17:28

He might be unwilling now...but who's to say over a few weeks they can't get to talking?

I am not trying to encourage the op to reconcile or to excuse his shitty behavior, but if her marriage means something to her she has every right to try and see what she can do.

If that's what she wants, maybe there are suggestions of ways to get him to properly talk and open up that might be helpful?

I do think couples fall in and out of love many times over a long relationship and it can be brought back with communication. I don't think after 12 days you can say it's done and dusted.

They clearly need to work on their marriage, but the op knows that too. Of course he might not change his mind, there might be an ow and it might well just be over. I just don't think she knows that yet 100%

DCRbye · 13/02/2014 17:32

Loggle I am not saying he's depressed. Just that he might be.

No one knows. There might be no evidence he's depressed but there's also none there in an OW

JohnFarleysRuskin · 13/02/2014 17:33

He has told her he wants to leave and the marriage is over. He has told his parents and his best friend this, and yet you think she needs to work on ways to get him to properly talk and open up.

Umm. He seems to be properly talking and opening up, don't you think?

Logg1e · 13/02/2014 17:41

I think that there's far more evidence of an OW than depression, but the point about that being the sad experience of reading these forums has already been made a few times.

MissScatterbrain · 13/02/2014 17:48

There is no marriage left - he has checked out. Sadly no matter how much OP wants him back, he is unwilling to consider this.

Absolutelylost · 13/02/2014 18:07

I've been there, and it wasn't until I did the very thing that everyone on here advises, i.e. turn the tables on him, and start being me, living my life, and doing so without him, that we actually reached a point where we reconnected emotionally, and were able to start again.

This has been my experience. I thought if I was sweet and understanding and was a complete stepford wife, he would change his mind. All that happened was that we both lost respect for me.

There was no other woman as such, it's complicated, crappy behaviour plus some serious depression but we're making a go of it but I am a much stronger person than before - I like myself a lot more.

OP, don't let him make all the decisions, that's all. This is your life too.

Original poster
Despair9 · 13/02/2014 19:07

You were all right. I've been such a fool. I've told him to pack a bag and get out, I sure got angry. She's married too, apparently she's just told her husband she wants out. Wish I had his number, we could console each other.
Right, doctors appoint booked for the morning to get signed off work.
How do I find a solicitor?

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 13/02/2014 19:09

Oh god, I'm sorry despair. What a cunt your h is.

Be strong.

HolidayArmadillo · 13/02/2014 19:11

I'm so sorry despair. How did it come out?

worsestershiresauce · 13/02/2014 19:11

OP I'm so sorry. Be kind to yourself, ask for support from your friends.

Personal recommendation was how I found a solicitor. Do you know anyone who has been through a divorce locally, they might be able to help. Or people on here if you say roughly where you are.

Honeysweet · 13/02/2014 19:12

Oh no Sad
In that case, yes the posters on here can help you. A lot of them seem to have been there or know people who have been there.

Original poster
Despair9 · 13/02/2014 19:13

I'm in west midlands

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 13/02/2014 19:14

Oh Despair, I'm so sorry. What a predictable, UN-original twunt.

Minime85 · 13/02/2014 19:15

oh gosh I'm so sorry.

beginnings · 13/02/2014 19:16

OP I know someone who's an extremely good family lawyer. What region are you in and I'll see if I can get the names of some decent firms and pm you. So sorry.

Absolutelylost · 13/02/2014 19:16

You haven't been a fool, you've been a loving person with integrity. Don't ever think worse of yourself for trying to believe the best in someone.

Sounds like you're getting a grip now; good luck, tough times ahead but this thought always kept me going - it will all be alright in the end and if it isn't alright, it isn't the end yet. You sound a strong person, get all the support you deserve.

LilyBlossom14 · 13/02/2014 19:17

so sorry - you need to look after yourself and gather your strength and wits about you - horrible horrible shock. All too familiar to so many of us.

Original poster
Despair9 · 13/02/2014 19:18

I'm in solihull anyone know a good lawyer?

OP posts:
KingRollo · 13/02/2014 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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