Husband wants to leave, my world has ended

[Despair9]

I've never posted before so please bear with me.
I've read some other posts and there seems to be lots of good advice and I didn't know where else to turn.

So 12 days ago my DH tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants to end our marriage. We have been married 10 years, have a DD 9 years old. We both work full time so life is a struggle and we haven't put as much into our marriage as we should, I will admit that. But I am absolutely floored by his announcement, my DD has no idea, to her we're a loving wonderful secure family. I haven't eaten, hardly slept, I don't know how I'm functioning at work. Every time I try to comprehend what he's said to me my head goes into a wild spin and I can't breathe. I've no more tears left inside me. I begged and pleaded with him, then read advice on line which says that's the worse thing to do. I really don't think I can go on.
How can he not even want to try to put things right? He says he won't do counselling, that there is no point as he has no feelings left.
I am so desperate. This never, ever was anything I envisaged happening.
He's told his best friend and then last night tells me he's told his mother. I'm so frightened, but I need to remain strong for our DD.
I just don't think I can cope.

I'm very intrigued that you think your advice is sooo unique and superior to everyone else's, Tamer.

Hi Despair. Very sorry to read this and am not surprised you are feeling devastated. I don't have any particular experience/advice about what you should do but wanted to say that it might be worth asking your GP to sign you off for a little while if you are struggling to cope with work.

I didn't realise that being signed off was an option for stress around difficult family events but my GP has recently signed me off (totally different circumstances but similar in that I am not "ill" as such but struggling practically and emotionally to juggle things after unexpected horrible life event). She was very happy to sign me off and indeed gave much reassurance that she felt it was the right thing to do. Worth a thought?

We just got into a rut and didn't try. This has been a huge wake up call, ok our relationship wasn't happy before, but I now know that's because I didn't put the effort in.

I was just so busy with day to day life I missed all the signs.

I feel sorry for Despair9 because from having cross words and getting through the normal hum-drum grind of life they have suddenly plunged into Our Married Life Isn't Working I Quit.

If OP were male and his W had pulled the plug as fast I would still question the speed and finality.

I still wonder why, if H thought their relationship was deteriorating so irreparably, he didn't flag it up sooner. Where there is a DC involved, and no physical or mental abuse isn't it reasonable to try everything before finishing?

I'm sorry to hear you have first-hand experience of losing a partner.

Your advice is excellent. It's also identical to advice OP has been given many times, by many posters, on this thread.

No one would suggest she won't or shouldn't grieve for her plans and shattered expectations. But it's important not to just be a passive recipient of the pain being dealt out by a supposedly loving husband.

yes and what he's really saying there is - life is hard, being in a family is hard, being a parent is hard and i QUIT on the assumption that you will carry on and do all that hard stuff on your own whilst i go make myself happy doing what i want bar every other weekend and dinner on a wednesday.

their marriage in the context of what the OP has said cannot be distinguished from the facts of life and working and parenting and being tired and not having enough time. yet his solution is to say i don't love you anymore (re: i don't like this life and the responsibiities we've gotten ourselves into) and i'm going to walk. maybe there is no other woman but there is a huge selfish entitlement none the less.

um, is this thread going to derail into infighting? Really hope not. Seems like the OP is finding it helpful and it would be a shame.

I specifically said 'seek legal advice'- in two posts.

I can't see where I said my advice was superior.

I would just lay off all the 'stark reality' when someone is so fragile.
I also wouldn't jump in with the 'other woman'- there are other explanations.

If It was me and I felt bad before posting I would feel worse afterwards- surely the aim is for her to feel better? ( not as in cured! Just as in a problem shared.......etc)

I think the op has gone to work, I'm sure she'll be back later.

And tbh Tamer if someone came and posted their dh had died, but there were complications regarding his will for example, making the op and her child situation precarious, then yes, she would be told the same....
Gutted for you, but please get some legal advice.

There is a huge chance that there is another woman. Doesn't want to leave till April. This would totally infuriate me. I think I'd get all his possessions and chuck them out the window now. I probably wouldn't but would certainly feel like doing this.

Tamer- you said you didn't like relationships board and would stay off them. Why are you still here, detailing this thread.

Op hasn't said she doesn't want to hear the advice. She's doing brilliantly and considering her options. She can ignore or consider any parts of the advice she wants to. She doesn't need you speaking for her

Take control now OP. Make him move out. It's the only way to keep your dignity and self esteem intact.

There is always another woman.

There is not always an other woman.

I was contemplating walking out once and didn't have another woman. I was just fed up of my life, the drudgery, the lack of intimacy and the general hum drum of life. I think I was depressed. Another woman was the last thing on my mind. I just wanted some peace. I was very close to announcing this myself but something stopped me and I battled on.

But if you'd met someone else, you wouldn't have needed to battle on, you'd have said you were leaving.

But i didn't want someone else. At that time I didn't want anyone. I didn't want to be close to anyone. Wife, kids, anyone.

Depression could be involved here. I am sure 90% of the time another woman is involved but surely not in every singe case.

tamer, You would never tell a person whose parter had just been killed that they had to face up to reality

I think the analogy is if the person was hanging on, wouldn't accept reality and wouldn't let the body be taken for burial. The advice would be the same stark advice, "yes this hurts but you have to accept the truth of the situation".

Agree with Malview, I was close to walking out last year. Looked into the practicalities of it all, financial stuff, legal rights etc.

Then I came on MN, posted my issues and was shamed in to staying, still married, still at the family home, still the same issues. The thought of leaving it all still crops up regularly, and after a few years of this then we'll see if I'm not in the OPs DH shoes.

Hold on a minute, I would imagine most people in long-term relationships feel like walking out now and again, right? Relationships/marriages can be dull, and tiring, and unfulfilling sometimes. That's life. Rough with the smooth, and all that.

The point is, if you give a flying fuck about the person you're in the relationship with, you talk about it. You agree to get some counselling. You make some changes, together. It might not work, but you give it a go.

You don't just turn around and say, 'Sod this for a game of soldiers, I'm off' and then leave the poor bugger hanging, wondering wtf went wrong!

Yeah, that's true Tea. But it isn't uncommon for relationships to become so taken for granted that one partner does try to talk about the issues, does make an effort to change, get help etc. which isn't recognised by the other and when it finally does go pear shaped suddenly it's a big shock.

Having said that, this doesn't neccesarily seem to be the case here. I was purely responding to the "there's always an OW" comments.

but you didn't leave! now, if you had met some other woman and had been able to combine that exhaustion and fed up'ness with an illusion that true love and green grass was there you'd have left.

that's what people are saying really - men don't tend to leave just because they're fed up or had enough or all the things you've said unless there's another woman added to the mix.

in a way you're proving the rule not the exception because you didn't leave.

Actually, I've just realised I'm probably not being that helpful here (what's it called 'tranference'?), sorry OP. My experience doesn't sound too similar to yours.

Surely regardless of whether there is another woman or not the OP can

1. contact solicitor to discuss the problem or at the very least not agree to any conditions or financial obligations until she has.

2. ask DH to move out to give her breathing space. It seems sensible when there is this much tension that one moving out, temporarily or not, is a good idea. OP probably wants to maintain contact to talk him round but this might be having the opposite effect. They can then meet up to talk honestly on neutral territory.

3. And after the move arrange visits for DD at his parents or some other suitable place so he doesn't feel he is no longer responsible for DD's well being (which is how it appears at the moment with OP covering for him). And inform DD in an appropriate way of what is happening or if that is too hard a few white lies, otherwise she will be frightened about what is going on (mother hardly fit enough to get to work but nothing said), not telling her is not 'protecting' her.

And go from there.

Im sorry that this has happened to you OP, but I have to say from experience (I was the OW I am ashamed to say) that he will be lying through his back teeth and the possibility of him having an affair is very high.

I TOLD his wife about our affair, the new one that he had just started and the others that he had had perviously, he wormed his way out of it by telling her that I was a stalker and had been following and texting him for months, he told her that he was afraid of me because I was so threatening to him, he told her the things he knew she wanted to hear. She believed him because he is a 'good man' and a 'good father' and I am obviously a nutcase.

They are still together, as far as I am aware he is still having affairs. He may or may not leave eventually, I dont care, thank god hes not my problem any more, but he managed a very lengthy affair with me without raising any suspision about time away from home, we texted and spoke when he was at work, or at the shop, or at the gym. We met after work, or when he took sneaky days off. We never had a night together. There are so many sneaky things that they can do. Use Whatsapp or Kik instead of text, a secret phone, so many ways !

I dont feel in a position offering advice to you, and I hope I am wrong about him having an OW, but if I was you I would be doing a lot more digging that just asking him. Get the ball back in your court.

x

A lot of posters on this thread, and others I have read on relationships are so certain that they are right. That there is another woman.

The op has said that she would stake her life on it that there is not.

Since she knows her husband better than we do, lets go with that for now. And support her from that position.

She also doesnt want him to leave. And he said that he isnt going to until April. Lets support her from that position.

If she asks him to move out at this stage, this risks him starting his new life , and getting used to it.

Talking personally, if my husband and I have had a big row, the last thing I think is good for us is to go to sleep in seperate beds. Much better for us to be concious of the other person in the same bed, and want to reconcile.

[Not saying at all that if he has had an affair that they should reconcile].