Husband wants to leave, my world has ended

[Despair9]

I've never posted before so please bear with me.
I've read some other posts and there seems to be lots of good advice and I didn't know where else to turn.

So 12 days ago my DH tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants to end our marriage. We have been married 10 years, have a DD 9 years old. We both work full time so life is a struggle and we haven't put as much into our marriage as we should, I will admit that. But I am absolutely floored by his announcement, my DD has no idea, to her we're a loving wonderful secure family. I haven't eaten, hardly slept, I don't know how I'm functioning at work. Every time I try to comprehend what he's said to me my head goes into a wild spin and I can't breathe. I've no more tears left inside me. I begged and pleaded with him, then read advice on line which says that's the worse thing to do. I really don't think I can go on.
How can he not even want to try to put things right? He says he won't do counselling, that there is no point as he has no feelings left.
I am so desperate. This never, ever was anything I envisaged happening.
He's told his best friend and then last night tells me he's told his mother. I'm so frightened, but I need to remain strong for our DD.
I just don't think I can cope.

Good point CerealMom, particularly given this:
Found out he opened a new bank account 29th Jan and I do now remember seeing paperwork that she has access to the account. She is the bookkeeper at office where he works so when I queried it he said she was going to be doing some of his accounts for him.

hope you are ok. and your dd too. been thinking of you today.

It never ceases to amaze the number of women who, in these circumstances, put their children's welfare above everything. Meanwhile the husbands are just thinking of the new place to stick their dicks.

You deserve better OP, so does your DD. Good job she's got you.

I am really sorry you are going through this.

I am also currently coming to terms with my husbands infidelity and now wondering what I do next.

All I keep telling myself is that one day in the future this will be a dim distant (if unpleasant) memory.

Can despair put a freeze on that new account with the OW?, to prevent removal of marital assets?

Hissy

This is why I would be onto a solicitor and the bank pronto. No stop on the new a/c (i doubt it has her name on) but definitely on any joint ones. Bank transfers are easy to follow but if he has his own business and she's the book keeper...

I would want to know at what strike point the division of assets occur. So, he's left now - what are the assets now. Rather than 3-6 months down the line when he's spent up on OW and solicitors are arguing over the division.

Hell No - you don't get to pick out new sofas for your luurve pad, whilst I'm rooting down the back of our old sofa for loose change. And fnuck you if you think you're booking a table at Chez Expensive with Lucy Loose Legs.

Knowledge is power OP

So sorry for what you're going through OP. Can't offer anything practical except my sympathy and indignation on your behalf.

so sorry you're going through this
it's awful
have a little treat every day
eat little and often

rightsfwomen.com

Found photo of her on FB, she is very pretty.
Can't get image out of head, but at least i know her full name now (solicitor wanted to know)
Still can't eat or sleep. On antidepressants but they are making me queasy.
It's half term next week. He's meant to have her on Monday. Don't know if I should let him or not.
My sister has been amazing, here at the min and staying tonight. At least dd is happy playing with cousins, so I can try to continue to get my head straight.
Thanks everyone for all the posts and advice. It is helping. X

Problem with joint account is that it's an offset mortgage account.
Have to urgently look into finances as I haven't got a clue where I stand, and in powerless to stop him filtering money off into his new account as he runs his own business

Atleast OP knows now. And can start planning, being enlightened, rather than in the dark.

Despair...

You sound like you're doing great...

So, so pleased your sis is there.

Don't make decisions about Monday until Monday comes. It's up to you at the moment- what you think is best for dd. take an hour at a time. One g

Sorry...

One foot in front of the other x

Has he kept copies of his tax returns? You'll need those to prove salary and work out maintenance payments.

So sorry OP.

I think your DD does need to see her Dad. If possible. How is she coping right now?

The best book I read to help my kids was called 'What about the Children'.

Are you worried he'll introduce her to the OW quickly or tell her things that'll make it worse?

It's 4 years now since my ExHs affair came out but I still remember how it felt. It's so so hard right now. I used to cry in the shower, so the DCs wouldn't hear or see at times.

They go from being your best friend to someone you do not recognise. I'm so sorry.

If your sister can deal with the drop off/ pick up aspect of DD seeing her Dad and he doesn't come in, that'll help. You need good boundaries right now.

I agree with dontstep - if your DD wants to see her dad then you should facilitate that.

The OW may be pretty on the outside but she has (along with your 'D'H) destroyed your DD's family - she is ugly through to the core.

You are doing amazingly well, brilliant that you have got a solicitor and that you have been to the Drs, the queeziness will go off after about a week.

What a pathetic bit of shit your DH is.

I'm sure the OW picked her Facebook photo carefully.

She certainly hasn't behaved prettily and that's what will show in Shallow Hal way before too long.

Everyone is attractive in Facebook. Everyone. She has behaved very badly.

You sound much more empowered op. keep going!

You cannot judge anything by FB but you can judge from the way she has behaved. That's not pretty.

Keep focussing on what you can control, it's much easier to handle. You are doing great xx

You're doing really well OP. Keep posting.

One day (sooner than you think) you'll be able to change your name from Despair to Hope

Facebook pictures always look ok. You wouldn't put them up otherwise?!

Anyway- I don't care if she's Cheryl Cole. She's ugly on the inside. Nasty to cheat on her dh and with a married man and father. Nasty.

No-one deliberately picks an unflattering picture of herself to put on FB. If H has opened an account he will have selected a youthful shot, relationship status unspecified.

Regarding OW, I doubt DD will want to share either parent at the moment so I hope he considers things from her point of view.

Fwiw I would grit my teeth and not put obstacles in his way regarding DD next week. Choose timings that suit you.

I lurked on this thread when it first started- have just caught up to the point where there is indeed an OW.

So sorry OP. You are being very brave. What a horrible, nasty man. The email he sent regarding your DD's drawing is disgraceful.

I don't know how a previously loving father could be so disparaging of his only child's feeling- shocking.

Stay strong OP. I hope you get the finances sorted

Hi Despair

So sorry to read your thread.

Is there any paperwork at home which might help prove his income/assets etc. I would do a good hunt around before he gets back into the house.

Do you have, or could you get access to, any statements relating to the turnover of the business?

My cousin got divorced from a vile man who ran his own business and she had real problems getting assets.

If you can't find anything now and your H is not forthcoming with the cash solicitors can employ forensic accountants who are great at tracking down assets.

Generally, most solicitors will be a bit flexible about payment, especially if they know that eventually they will get paid.

Will you be entitled to any benefits now that you have one income? Tax credits for example?