Husband wants to leave, my world has ended

[Despair9]

I've never posted before so please bear with me.
I've read some other posts and there seems to be lots of good advice and I didn't know where else to turn.

So 12 days ago my DH tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants to end our marriage. We have been married 10 years, have a DD 9 years old. We both work full time so life is a struggle and we haven't put as much into our marriage as we should, I will admit that. But I am absolutely floored by his announcement, my DD has no idea, to her we're a loving wonderful secure family. I haven't eaten, hardly slept, I don't know how I'm functioning at work. Every time I try to comprehend what he's said to me my head goes into a wild spin and I can't breathe. I've no more tears left inside me. I begged and pleaded with him, then read advice on line which says that's the worse thing to do. I really don't think I can go on.
How can he not even want to try to put things right? He says he won't do counselling, that there is no point as he has no feelings left.
I am so desperate. This never, ever was anything I envisaged happening.
He's told his best friend and then last night tells me he's told his mother. I'm so frightened, but I need to remain strong for our DD.
I just don't think I can cope.

Glad you are getting help and support on here.
tbh, if he saw your DD upset, he might find it harder to minimise her distress?

tbh, if he saw your DD upset, he might find it harder to minimise her distress?

He'd say the OP was winding her up, from past posts and the experience of friends. He's not going to accept he's responsible for the misery he's left in his wake.

despair I am sorry that it is OW, but at least you know what you are dealing with now and can stop blaming yourself. I did exactly the same. I wrote my XH a wonderful letter telling him how wonderful he was and not to throw it all away. He wrote back a nasty letter detailing all my faults..... after counselling I can see that it was all excuses to be able to just walk away.

DD was just 4yo when he left. I told him that she was wetting herself again due to the trauma of him leaving. He took this as a personal attack on him, not a statement of fact. Your XH won't want to hear the truth about your DD either, hence his comment. They can't face the responsibility that they have caused upset to their children.

Get that legal advice and stand strong. Find out about tax credits. sort out the council tax discount. find out if you are entitled to anything else.

This is the script that others have referred to that so many of them seem to follow.......

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

In the past 2 years, I have been to hell and back, but with support on MN and in real life, and with counselling, I have turned my life around. I have just started seeing a really nice man. When it happens, you feel like your life is over, but once you come through it all, and you will, I promise you, you will wonder what you ever saw in him and be glad that you are no longer with a man who can treat people in that way.

The cruel callous attitude is part of the cheater's script I'm afraid. They can't accept that they are the bad guys so they need to minimise/deny the distress their actions are causing others. They need to twist things so that its all the betrayed party's fault. Such a head fuck and this is why going no contact is recommended.

Only have contact re child access - as much as possible as you need the time and space to re build your own life and DD needs a relationship with her father & handovers on the door step (he has left the family home after all).

Summarising using chronology by contributor to that 'script' thread:

Identify an affair opportunity/ Detach from spouse / Sabotage your marriage /Start the affair /Lie to spouse.

That 'script' or slight variation does seem to recur doesn't it. How long before he starts trying to move onto a new stage, 'Can't we be friends' {vomit}.

Hope you managed some sleep last night OP.

My friend does kerb-side handovers with her ex - after a couple of nasty skirmishes on the doorstep. He seemed to think it was still 'his house' and he was entitled to threaten to batter the door down come and see the dc there whenever he liked

A solicitor's letter put a stop to that nonsense.

What a twunt. No wonder things were difficult at home, with him seeing someone else. Don't blame yourself - he could have spoken to you and tried.

Well done for getting him out though, and for seeing solicitors and a doctor.

Your dd- she needs to know its nothing to do with her, there might be some books in the library, plus she is allowed to be upset round you and him. I hope he isn't expecting her to be all grown up about it. If she wants to keep a scrapbook of drawings and things let her, for when she sees him.

Don't treat him like a dh working away. Its up to him to sustain and encourage her. You aren't his PA. Try not to let her get involved in your misery which is really hard, or any blaming. She will work it out for herself. Organise a lovely time for you and her, and I expect you'll both be happier, really.

Glad you have support in rl, and let people support you. At least you know now, and can organise your thoughts and actions.

Ignore his email. Don't get into an email battle, or text one. It is better for you - and come on here, there's always someone about.

Hi Op I have been following this thread and it sounded so similar to what happened with my parents I knew there had to be someone else

Hope you and your dd are o.kay, you are so much better off without him - both of you.

Have read the script, he's definitely following all the rules.

Solicitor is £170ph plus vat. Does that sound right? Goodness knows how I'm going to afford that.

So interesting how they have all read it. I only found MN after my divorce, but my exH (24 yrs) had followed the script - fortunately I didn't believe him and knew in my bones there was an OW, and guessed who it was. He lied to his mother, friends, the children... until 4 months after the "I'm no longer in love with you" speech they slipped up and I was able to suggest to him that in the light of the evidence he ought to start being honest.

He still does not accept that it was his lies that did the most damage to his relationship with our dcs. Marriages end but I honestly believe it's the lies that are the most toxic part of the situation.

For that reason I would say be as honest as you can be with your dd. She needs to know that you will not lie to her and that she can trust you. Tell her that it looks like her dad has fallen in love with someone else. What will come out of this is a strengthening of your relationship with her - I am now grateful to the OW for coming along as my relationship with my dcs is wonderful and she has to deal with my ex not me.

I would also say don't let the anger turn to bitterness - don't let them inside your head. detach detach detach. do what you have to do to secure your future but don't get drawn into a battle that eats up your resources, both mental and financial. Be angry but be strategic.

You will not only survive this but you will thrive.

When dh separated we knew the house would go so we paid a deposit and the balance on the court case settlement plus his ex had to pay half our fees seeing as she instigated the court case.

I wasn't the ow, people assume I was but his ex cheated on him.

His ex paid in instalments plus a lump sum when the house money got released 13 months after completion. Our fees were £4000 hers were £13000 as she had to pay some of ours.

The important thing is not to quibble over little things & fire off letters all the time, his ex chose a lawyer who took on a case he knew she'd lose, if she'd won it would have been a legal precedent.

I would say see a couple of solicitors if you can. I can't advise on costs.

If he feels guilty enough to be what you consider generous, get a signature off him sharpish. He will soon lose the guilt once the initial drama has died down.

The best and most difficult advice you have had is that he is not your friend any more and you have to look at every interaction from that perspective.

Op in my experience in similar cases these husbands can be far more generous in the beginning....financially....equity....agreements etc....

I think it's when the initial guilt is surrounding them ....dc....you....his family....
Sometimes once other woman gets her claws and influence in his financial affairs this can all to quickly change.

I know you are just raw at the moment and I hope you don't mind me saying.

Also be prepared for him to get cold feet very soon.

• He's only moved out because he's been discovered - up till yesterday he was talking of a vague moving out at a suitably distant date.

• He's back with his parents

• The OW has allegedly only just told her partner and you've no idea if that's even true...

This could all very suddenly go tits up for him (if there is a God) so be prepared to be told it was all a mistake and to be persuaded you should take him back.

IME too the generosity seems to tail off when reality hits - so get him to sign for an agreed monthly amount straight away - my XH initially said he'd pay me half his salary. I wish he'd put it in writing - now I get less than a quarter. He can agree to pay you a fixed amount every month until the divorce is finalised. By that time the amount will be established and regular and unless you need to increase it, its likely the court (if you go to court) will fix it at that level.

I can recommend a fantastic solicitor in Bristol. I met her once (I'm in London) but did everything by phone and email easily. She was the dogs bits, but expensive! Worth every penny in the support, understanding and professionalism and I'm happy with my settlement.

Did he confess op or did you discover it?

Apologies if I missed it somewhere

You know, there's some real cheek isn't there? There's nobody else involved, there's no need for a lawyer, he won't be moving out until April...

so presumably he wasn't expecting her to tell her husband yet so was biding his time. he also set up the, 'this isn't working, i've told my parents i don't love you anymore' etc grand announcement likely in the hopes that he could then make out he and this woman met later and his parents would be primed for it because he'd done the honourable thing and told you it was over before starting anything new.

now she's gone and told her husband and presumably he knows it's going to public knowledge or blow up so it's all changed.

OP i hope you're ok as you can be today. i second telling dd that daddy has fallen in love with another woman and is leaving mummy. she needs to feel safe that someone is honest and reliable. you can emphasise that this is about him and how he feels about you, not her etc. it is scary when adults lie to you or keep things from you and it erodes your trust in them. better to be honest including that you are very sad - no you don't draw her into your sadness and burden her with it but you certainly acknowledge it and you don't have to be redcoat happy in her presence.

lots of cuddles, lots of i know you're sad, i'm sad too but we're going to be ok i promise type stuff.

make sure to have some nutrient dense, quick and easy to eat foods in the house - eggs, nuts, avocados, prawns - whatever you like and think you could force yourself to eat a small portion of when the urge to eat arises. otherwise the moment passes whilst you stare blankly into cupboards and haven't got the mental energy to decide what you want.

why April?

Financial year end. Does your stbxh have his own business, work in finance/bonuses?
Does he have any investments/endowments anything coming to end (paid), dividends/winding up at financial year end?

Just a thought...

as in biding their time so he'd have some money behind him as their nest egg before getting kicked out by their partners? god i hope you're wrong.