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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants to leave, my world has ended

464 replies

Despair9 · 12/02/2014 20:23

I've never posted before so please bear with me.
I've read some other posts and there seems to be lots of good advice and I didn't know where else to turn.

So 12 days ago my DH tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants to end our marriage. We have been married 10 years, have a DD 9 years old. We both work full time so life is a struggle and we haven't put as much into our marriage as we should, I will admit that. But I am absolutely floored by his announcement, my DD has no idea, to her we're a loving wonderful secure family. I haven't eaten, hardly slept, I don't know how I'm functioning at work. Every time I try to comprehend what he's said to me my head goes into a wild spin and I can't breathe. I've no more tears left inside me. I begged and pleaded with him, then read advice on line which says that's the worse thing to do. I really don't think I can go on.
How can he not even want to try to put things right? He says he won't do counselling, that there is no point as he has no feelings left.
I am so desperate. This never, ever was anything I envisaged happening.
He's told his best friend and then last night tells me he's told his mother. I'm so frightened, but I need to remain strong for our DD.
I just don't think I can cope.

OP posts:
SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 13/02/2014 23:56

I'm afraid you're going to have to brace yourself for this type of twattery OP.

He will seek to minimise any distress to his dd, and make out that you are being unreasonable/hysterical or whatever- when of course you're not. You're just the one left to pick up the pieces.

Personally, I wouldn't respond to that e-mail.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 13/02/2014 23:57

Detach. Don't get into discussions with him, it's handing him back the power. Find a solicitor and keep all interaction with him through your solicitor.

tara49 · 14/02/2014 00:00

You will totally be okay. Nobody could have cried more than my dearest friend when her adored husband left - she had no idea it was coming and was in deep shock, cooping with a teenager and a 5yr old. Six years on, shes happier than ever and getting married to a lovely man (internet date!) in October.
It will get easier, cry, gather family and friends to help when you are feeling weak and get him out as soon as you can so you can start healing.
Its horrible - but it WILL be okay - really.x

clam · 14/02/2014 00:01

I wouldn't bother to reply, actually. If he was any decent sort of father he wouldn't have to ask.
However, I would be tempted to send a dismissive, "let's just say that I hope she (the OW) is worth it."

bragmatic · 14/02/2014 00:07

Tell him to get on the fucking telephone and ask her himself.

There is no easy way to lead children through this, but I'll say this: my parents sat me down and told me together, they were with me every step of the way. They didn't just fuck off and leave the other to pick up the pieces.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/02/2014 00:08

Very glad you have family rallying round. People have likened this experience to being on a roller coaster. Use your anger, channel it. Other days if you need to slow down, so be it - you're entitled to be upset, it's a huge change in your life. In some ways like a bereavement. No decent person will blame you for being emotional.

As long as DD can't see it, why not rename H something apt on your mobile phone? Something pithy and accurate. A harmless jibe at his expense every time he tries to contact you.

Greenrememberedhills · 14/02/2014 00:08

Sabrina has it. I wouldn't respond either.

Did you find that thread called "the script"? I would look it up if I were you- it will help enormously both to prepare you and to deal with his shit.

clam · 14/02/2014 00:08

I want to punch your husband.

ScottishPies · 14/02/2014 00:12

Try to eat something. It wil help keep up your mental strength as well as your physical strength.

Sending you lots hugs.

StartWhereYouStand · 14/02/2014 00:18

The miminising the effect on your DD is very common I am afraid. It helps asuage the guilt you see.

Much easier to pretend that everyone really is fine with this new arrangement than the reality which is that one person's selfish needs have unleashed a load of crap on everyone else, including their child.

Your DD is lucky that she has you to look out for her needs and emotions and that you will not minimise her sadness no matter how hard it is for you.

Glad you have some RL support.

LEMmingaround · 14/02/2014 00:23

Answer him " how do you think? Dont say anything else. He is despicable :(

BitOutOfPractice · 14/02/2014 00:27

No. Don't answer him

NO ANSWER IS THE BEST ANSWER

Nothing you can think of to say will drive him as mad as silence. Trust me

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 14/02/2014 00:32

OP - you will be ok. I promise you.

Now you need summon all your strength, and act with the utmost dignity. Do not get into e-mail discussions. Do not ask him why. Do not give him updates of 'ho your dd is doing' - that's for him to ascertain.

Dignity, OP. Work on your self-esteem - remember how you were before you met him, how you are in your job, how you are with your dd. Make plans now for your and your dd's life. He will be flummoxed because he won't be getting the massive ego-trip he's expecting - of having two women hankering after him.

You've taken the first step by making him leave tonight. Well done.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 14/02/2014 00:36

And do trust BitOutofPractice. She's right.

redundantandbitter · 14/02/2014 00:50

*bitoutofpractise' is right , as usual. Don't respond. You've got enough to be thinking of without expending valuable energy on someone who's behaving like a shit.

Deep breaths, try to sleep , remember to eat (little and often) if you can. Post on here when you're feeling ducked off. So sorry for you and your dd .

BitOutOfPractice · 14/02/2014 00:51

Hello R&B I was thinking about you today! How the very devil himself are you?

Minime85 · 14/02/2014 06:35

good she has half term now too. tell your DDS headteachers and be very clear who you are happy to be told. I specified only immediate teachers and he did as I asked.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. as others said take all the RL support you can and really try to eat as hard as it is.

you sound really strong and I know some days you won't feel it but you and dd will be ok. you will laugh and enjoy things. in coming weeks get some plans together for you two however small.

thinking of you both. Thanks

teaandthorazine · 14/02/2014 06:44

'Melodramatic'?? My god, I'd like to punch his lights out. What an appalling human being he is.

I hope you got a bit of sleep. I absolutely agree that you need to disengage completely. You and dd get on with what you need to do. It will be horrible, but you will get through it and you will come out the other side.

He will start 'the script', he already has in fact. Will try and find the link.

mammadiggingdeep · 14/02/2014 06:47

Oh I'm just so sorry. He's being an arse. It's the guilt- they morph into a totally different person.

I hope you got some sleep. Make sure you're eating.

So glad you have told your family. Let people help you.

Hugs. One foot in front of the other...take an hour at a time

mammadiggingdeep · 14/02/2014 06:49

Oh...
And yes, don't enter into conversation/email exchanges with him. It will cause you more pain. Detach. It's all about you and dd.
X

Weegiemum · 14/02/2014 07:16

I've followed this, OP, and I'm so sorry it turned out this way.

Please keep your lovely dd in the loop. My mother left our family for the OM (who was supposedly my Dad's best friend!!) when I was 12. My mother was as dismissive of my distress as your husband is being - it was a month until I saw her and I cried - she asked why!! Took my gran to say "You're hurting that bairn" (child).

Be strong, but don't hide your grief. I knew our wee family (Dad, me, my siblings) would get through when we shared our pain.

I'm so sorry this has happened. My dad remarried (a lovely person who is my real "mum" now), I gained 3 brothers, they've been married 29 years now!

There is a future there for you and dd to grasp. I hope her dad will want to be part of it, my mother didn't, I've not spoken to her for 10 years.

Wishing you hope, and strength, and love.

ProphetOfDoom · 14/02/2014 07:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JeanSeberg · 14/02/2014 07:38

I hope today goes as smoothly as possible at the doctor and solicitor.

I'm sorry that your husband left you to explain the situation to your daughter on your own. With regards to that, try to be as upbeat, positive and reassuring as you can in front of her. Make arrangements for her to see him this weekend (but not at the house - get him to pick her up or drop her off at his parents) and as part of that visit, make time for you both to talk to her (just the 3 of you, no grandparents present) and explain that even though you will no longer be living together, she has two parents who love her very much and you will both do your best to make sure things continue as normal as much as possible.

If possible, sort the child access arrangements out between you but leave everything else to the solicitors and don't engage in any other communication with him apart from anything regarding your daughter - the practicalities, not ridiculous questions from him as happened last night.

Thanks For you.

perfectstorm · 14/02/2014 07:47

OP, I am so, so sorry. As I said, I've never seen one of these threads end in any other way. And the other thing women in your position are always shocked by is how ruthlessly, breathtakingly selfish their previously decent, loving husbands suddenly are. I am so pleased you've located your anger enough to plan solicitors and boot him out, too. And the advice to go radio silence is, sadly, also borne of a lot of poster's experience.

You'll have so much support here on MN, and please do ensure you get RL support, too. You and your dd deserve it. Flowers

KingRollo · 14/02/2014 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.