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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

partner cant cope with sons behaviour...

95 replies

Louisem81 · 12/02/2014 08:45

My other half has said he cant cope with our 10 year old sons attitude and behaviour and if it carries on hes going to find a flat...he says i pamper and do too much for our son and its my fault hes lazy and wont do anything for himself..maybe i have done too much for him but doesnt every mum ?? :-(

OP posts:
PeterParkerSays · 12/02/2014 08:50

"our son's attitude" so what has your DP contributed to this boy then?

Is he offering to take him out on father / son trips / hobbies to build his self reliance and confidence? Is he taking him on a father /son camping trip for half term? No, thought not.

Tell him that he doesn't get to blame your son for him wanting to move out, and can he please go by the end of the month so you and your son can plan without him being in the way.

Twat.

NotNewButNameChanged · 12/02/2014 08:50

Putting aside your OH for a moment, ask yourself honestly, IS your son lazy and does he do anything for himself at all?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2014 08:52

Do you find your DS's behaviour acceptable? That's really the only opinion that matters. Partners come and go but kids are for life. If you think your DS is fine as he is then you stand by him and wish the partner well in his new flat. If you think your DS is a spoilt brat OTOH then do something about it.

LIZS · 12/02/2014 08:55

Is he your ds' father ? He has to take some responsibility too but it is much easier for him to walk away :( Can you give any examples of what he cannot cope with and how you deal with it .

lemonstartree · 12/02/2014 08:56

actually no, 'every mum' does not do 'everything' for her son. I view my 'job' as a mother is to raise independent capable adult men who can cook, clean and do their own laundry as well as keep the place tidy. It is NEVER to early to start teaching them that.

OTOH what has his father done to foster independence ?

CalamityKate · 12/02/2014 09:05

I totally agree with Lemon ^

Sure it's nice to indulge them from time to time and in certain situations but yes, I see raising them to be independent and helpful as my job even if it makes me unpopular at times!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2014 09:24

But isn't it the OP's place to decide how to raise their own child, good, bad or indifferent? I don't know how longstanding this 'OH' is but I'm a lone parent to a DS and if some boyfriend was to start complaining and making threats to move out - even if he was spot on and DS was Dennis the Menace made flesh - I would tell him to shut the door quietly as he left.

Original poster
Louisem81 · 12/02/2014 09:27

Yes hes my sons dad...my son has to be told constantly tidy up, get washed, clean your teeth and leaves his things where he drops them...i understand my other halfs frustration but im trying my best to make my son understand he has to start doing thj gs for himself...i work full time and so does my oh so sometimes I find it easier just to do these things rather than wait for him to do it...

OP posts:
feelinlucky · 12/02/2014 09:29

What a twat. My ex has just disowned his own son and he only spends 6 hours a week with him. He can't even manage that. It's up to you how you parent. I'm guessing you think your partner is being unreasonable and if that's the case I would wish him well.

Blueuggboots · 12/02/2014 09:30

It would be much easier of you were both encouraging him!
How is your oh with your son generally? Does he pay much attention to him?
My son will be 3 next week but he already knows that he has to hang his coat up and put his toys away. It's not always his choice to do it, but he does do it even if I have to ask him twenty times eventually!

feelinlucky · 12/02/2014 09:31

Oh my god! He's his father. How depressing. I'm lost for words.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2014 09:32

He's your DS's father and he's threatening to flounce out of the relationship based purely on the behaviour of a 10yo? Hmm Threats are a poor way to run a relationship. Also suggest you try to find out if there's something else behind this alleged desire to live in a flat of his own ...

Anniegoestotown · 12/02/2014 09:40

My son has to be told constantly tidy up, get washed, clean your teeth and leaves his things where he drops them

I am sure there are children out there who behave perfectly and do not have to be told to do things over and over but I have not met them.

You have one ds. I have 2 dc who are exactly the same, one who is 15, dyslexic and forgets and loses everything on a regular basis.

My rule was I do not tidy their bedrooms, after a while they both got sick of the mess and now do clean their bedrooms now almost daily.

SolidGoldBrass · 12/02/2014 10:04

Throw the partner out. He needs putting firmly in his place. He's decided that he's the most important person in the household who must be obeyed and indulged - he needs showing that this is not true. Throwing him out will either teach him a lesson or get him gone. Trying to placate a selfish man by being unkind to your own child is a terrible idea.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2014 10:09

I'm still agog... I'm a lone parent. DS is generally a nice guy but we have locked horns occasionally what with him being a teenager now and everything. I'm just trying to imagine his reaction if I said that, because of his appalling behaviour, I would be moving out of my own house and into a flat. LOL! He'd think I'd gone stark staring nuts.

expatinscotland · 12/02/2014 10:12

Tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 12/02/2014 10:22

Tell him to find a flat. Am I the only person wondering if he has someone else he wants to live in this flat with and is using your son's behaviour as a flimsy excuse?

hellsbellsmelons · 12/02/2014 10:27

No you are not - I'm with you NoArm
This smacks of OW from where I'm sitting!

AmberLeaf · 12/02/2014 10:28

You're not the only one NoArmaniNoPunani.

Op tell him to go.

Joysmum · 12/02/2014 10:41

Actually, he's not threatening to leave because of the child, he's threatening to leave because they don't agree on parenting styles and feels the mum is a contributing factor to the son's behaviour. From the next post from the OP I actually agree with the father.

My DD is 11 and has been through (and atill going through) the same thing. DH and I agree that we have an ask once nicely, insist less politely second time with a reminder that if it's still not done there will be consequences. We are consistent in those consequences.

Clear and consistent expectations and consequences are how children best learn. You aren't doing that and it's no wonder your child isn't improving as much as you'd both like. Ask once nicely, second time is insistence with clear reminder of consequences of what happens if this needs to be raised a third time. If it gets to a third time, make sure you follow through so your threats have to be real.

ATacticalNameChange · 12/02/2014 10:47

I think it is really hard to call this, without knowing more about all parties. If my DH chased around after the children and was heavily contributing to them being spoiled brats, I would be livid with him - that isn't good parenting.

However, how is DP in tjis situation thinking him moving out is going to help his son?

I am guessing he feels pushed into a corner and is trying brinksmanship to try and force a change of behaviour.

Only the OP knows who is really to blame - could be her or her partner, or both of them!

Jan45 · 12/02/2014 10:59

I've been in the situation where my partner would not do very much when it came to parenting his son, this drove me crazy as I was constantly having to ask for the simplest things, i.e., can you tell your son to wash (he was 17 at this stage)! So, in that respect I would not automatically assume your OH is just being a bastard, esp if this is his son.

It comes down to the two of you agreeing rules and presenting a united front in order for your son to have a consistency about what is expected of him and yes at 10, he is quite capable.

You can get to a point where you are just not being listened to and the only alternative is to live separately, something like this can actually split you up, you must be singing from the same hymn sheet when it comes to parenting, if you want it to work.

Meerka · 12/02/2014 11:53

joysmum's post makes a lot of sense to me.

CalamityKate · 12/02/2014 12:13

I agree its impossible to call without knowing more.

My DH is a teeny bit on the soft side and on occasion I've felt a bit "bad cop" but I can always nudge him in the right direction with a gentle reminder and ultimately he always backs me up.

I'm trying to imagine how I'd feel if the situation was intensified to the point that he was constantly doing everything for the boys, letting them do what they liked, undermining me and so on. Frustrated, sad and dismayed at how they seemed to be turning out I expect.

Can you give us a bit more info OP? Maybe more examples of what's going on?

FreakinAllAboutSugar · 12/02/2014 12:53

What exactly is your son not doing, that your OH feels he should be?

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