partner cant cope with sons behaviour...

[Louisem81]

My other half has said he cant cope with our 10 year old sons attitude and behaviour and if it carries on hes going to find a flat...he says i pamper and do too much for our son and its my fault hes lazy and wont do anything for himself..maybe i have done too much for him but doesnt every mum ?? :-(

I do think its more to do with me sticking up for my son..he thinks im against him but sometimes he can be too tough on our son...he has older children from another relationship who in my opinion can do no wrong in his eyes..i suppose i have pampered him (total opposite to how i was brought up)..my oh has taken our sons xbox,tablet and laptop from him over the past month for various reasons ie messy bedroom,xbox games not in cases and all over the floor and not doing homework...apparently because ive bought him all these items i have spoilt him and made him a 'spoilt brat'...

Sorry but I'm tending to agree with your partner, why do you feel the need to pamper him, kids need love, fairness, rules and consistency in how all that works, apart from when they are babies, pampering is not really a word I would use to treat them, unless of course, they were perhaps ill....

It sounds like you two have completely different parenting styles.

Sounds like more of dissatisfaction with you than your ds - he is just the catalyst. Sorry. Why are you buying him things without agreement form oh , especially if he doesn't look after them?

These have been christmas and birthday presents...i dont just go out and buy him these things...

but why does he say you bought them ? Did you not discuss his presents, a limit ?

Op having two sons myself I'd go with Joysmum ,brilliant advice.

I buy them...if it was down to my oh, our son would have the bare essentials...i basically pay for everything for our son...clothes,presents and anything else he needs..

So is he generally a disinterested parent ? What is their relationship like ?

I think we need to take joysmums advicr and sit down and start working as a team...i was upset and angry when i first posted the comment and as the day has gone on i have calmed down and looked at things from the oh pov..

I think you need to negotiate with your OH about child rearing. Your son is getting close to a difficult age and neither pampering or being overly strict with him are good parenting straits.

I think if push comes to shove you need to be very, very careful that your son doesn't end up feeling responsible.

My kids are younger than yours. I have a 'morning' and 'afternoon' list on the wall in their rooms. Stuff like 'make bed' 'clean teeth' 'tidy room' 'put clothes away' 'have bath' etc. Instead of barking instructions at them all the time I simply holler: LOOK AT YOUR LIST!!! They get nothing (TV, free time etc) until their list is done. They way they make their bed leaves a lot to be desired but we're getting there.

Louise I think you sound lovely. I really hope you and your husband can work through this. Just because you've not agreed on one thing, doesn't mean everything is terrible. I hope that when you have your chat you can both smile at each other and hug and acknowledge the good things too.

The 1-2-3 approach should be clear and predictable and it's usually how things are done in schools so this won't be new to your son. It's really important to be consistent. It's also really import that you and your husband chat about this privately and think up consistent consequences if you hit 3, things that you can carry through. That's going to be the tough bit.

That's a good idea bragmatic.

Wrt pampering - no harm in it within reason.

I take my youngest toast in bed in the morning. He's like me; not a morning person. It takes him a while to come round on waking and I see no harm in indulging him. I like hearing his sleepy "Ooh, thanks mum". However, if we're having a rushed morning he knows that if I rattle "NoTimeWe'reLateUpYouGetNow!" he has to get a wiggle on and come down to eat it like everyone else and he knows better than to argue.

I like to pamper them from time to time. As long as it's appreciated and not expected.

Joysmum...i was so upset this morning when he said he was going to leave. I think i know deep down hes right about me pampering our son...i just see it as me being me...he forgets i do much of the same for him !! I think i need to admit im wrong and start to work as a team rather than against each other...many thanks too everyone for their comments xx

I think it's made worse because you're soft and probably let things go that you shouldn't and your partner is far too strict and wants to punish every misdemeanour.

How you two come to a compromise will be very challenging.

Does your OH actually make suggestions on how to deal with the behaviour issues or does he just shout and make threats?
My DS is exactly the same and we both (me and DH) recognised that we were shouting rather than coming up with a plan to tackle it.
So we worked together with DS to help him change his lazy ways, he's improving very slowly -he's a naturally lazy beggar tbh- and the shouting and stressing has gradually eased off.
Good luck x

In simple terms OP, your partner sounds like a complete and utter bell-end. Any father who suggests they are going to flounce out of their son's life - for whatever reason - is basically a waste of space. I don't actually believe you are pampering your son to any great degree. I just get the feeling your son doesn't like him as - like many kids - he has that sixth sense that can tell one someone isn't a particularly nice piece of work. I would put my right arm if mr prima donna DID leave, your son would be happier and would also do more.

What age says

What age says too.

What example does your OH set your DS in terms of doing his share of domestic chores?

I agree with setting the expectations and consequences with your DS (getting some good tips from this thread to use myself), but if DS doesn't see the behaviour you want him to adopt modelled by his DF then he may end up feeling resentful.

Mm.

I have possibly been the OH in this situation. Any attempt at backing DW's requests up would be met with "Oh, stop getting at her" at best. At worst, hysterical cries of "I'm a bad mother/I've raised a monster/why does everyone hate me"
Then whatever the request had been (eating neatly, bedtime, homework etc.) it would be countermanded to put me in my place.

So I stopped parenting unless DD and I were alone. That seemed to work, we jogged along for a bit, and then DD deliberately did something so cruel DW had to pay attention.

We went to Relate over that. Turned out DW had issues with attachment and separation down to MIL putting her out of the house every time she cried, from 4 weeks onwards.

OP: calm authoritative bearing for you and let DS make his own mistakes, especially with lateness and hygiene. His friends will tell him just like DD's did. Your OH needs to turn down the twattery and support you, especially in picking the winnable arguments.

And the reward is three rational human beings who love each other. Ten years ago I wouldn't have given a snowball in hell for our chances.

Good luck.

joysmum just a very quick note to say that imo you deserve a lot of respect for being open minded enough to coming round to seeing things from the other side, and realising that maybe you were mistaken.

I hope things go well for you and your oh and son x

eererrr louise sorry. not joysmum

Maybe he's forgotten DCs need guidance? That doesn't equate to wrapping them up in cotton wool.

Many DCs are still slow at getting themselves organised, at this age, nothing unusual. Post-Its and a list can help DS focus. Taking the consequences of being perpetually late or forgetting kit or homework might persuade DS to try harder.

Adults can set a good example. Other niggles can be addressed, eg no phones at the dinner table, coats put away, food debris and packaging cleared away after snacks.

It's nice when you can provide material treats but they're not life essentials. Pocket money is a privilege not a right. When you say you are paying for the bulk of DS's wardrobe, are these clothes designer labels or something? Otherwise seems a bit odd when you all live together and OH is DS's dad, unless all household expenses are split equally.

How do you discipline, consistently or erratically? You and OH may come from differing attitudes and backgrounds. I wonder how old his other DCs were when his relationship with their mother ended? Perhaps he has an unrealistic idea of how DCs are at 10..

Quite often when a partner comes out with this criticism it signals he is feeling neglected, rightly or wrongly. . Obviously working as a team will free up time for you both. Do you and he get any time to yourselves?

There is 13 year age gap between me and the oh...i think he is going by how hard he was brought up and thinks i had it easy...i do buy our sons clothes but i only have 2 ask my oh if i need money...i love my oh and am gonna do my best to get us thru this...reading all comments has made me realise both of us have to share the blame...