partner cant cope with sons behaviour...

[Louisem81]

My other half has said he cant cope with our 10 year old sons attitude and behaviour and if it carries on hes going to find a flat...he says i pamper and do too much for our son and its my fault hes lazy and wont do anything for himself..maybe i have done too much for him but doesnt every mum ?? :-(

Why are posters excusing the DP's behaviour?

I have no idea if the OP's DS is a "spoiled brat" or not. But if he's been raised by 2 parents then both parents potentially are to blame for any behavioural problems.

But the behaviour described - leaving games out, having to be reminded to brush teeth etc sound pretty standard for the age.

I agree with the poster who said that the DP has probably got another woman and is looking for a way out.

But it's cuntish to say the least to use your own son as an excuse.

People don't leave their own homes and marriages/long term relationships because a 10 year old doesn't tidy up. They just don't!

OP,does your DH set a good example to your son? Actions speak louder than words etc. I was brought up with a controlling aggressive shouty dad and a mum who constantly tried to pacify him and make it up to us by being overly 'soft' on us, which i didnt mind, but led to some confusion about boundaries etc. Had no respect for either of them but especially my dad. He didn't set a good example to us, always criticised and belittled us and was basically awful. I always hoped my mum would kick him out actually. Anyway, what was my point? Your OH needs to engage with your son and do stuff with him. If he doesn't their relationship will probably totally break down whether he leaves or not.

Can't believe some of these responses. Is a mother the only parent that matters, then? Is the father not an equal parent? Do fathers not get a say in how their children are raised?

People don't leave their own homes and marriages/long term relationships because a 10 year old doesn't tidy up. They just don't!

No but lots of people leave relationships because they can't agree on the fundamentals of their relationship and raising their children. If how the OP over-indulges their son has been an ongoing issue that the DP has addressed over and over again and doesn't feel as though he's being heard, if he feels undermined and not backed up in his efforts to discipline his son, if he feels that nothing is going to change and that the boy's behaviour is only going to get worse... why shouldn't he warn the OP that if it continues then he can't continue living there?

I'm assuming that it was said in exasperation born of the feelings I've detailed above. I could be totally wrong of course, and the bloke's a bellend. But to assume right from the off that he a wanker not fit to call himself a father, based on a few lines of text, is just... bizarre.

This is why I rarely read the relationships board.

You aren't doing DS any favours by being soft, he's not going to stop loving his parents (NB plural) if you both keep him on the straight and narrow re: tidying this or remembering that and helping with chores.

OP I understand you want DS to have what you didn't - he has two loving parents, he's had a great head start already. Now before he heads off to secondary school you can ease up on the babying and smoothing his way.

The way it sounds at the moment it's like two very separate camps, you are in the middle. That's not really how a family works.

Incidentally are you aware or not that by placing yourself in the middle it's also a way of being the One Most Wanted. Both males in your life want your attention. It's nice to feel wanted but then the buck stops with you. You have defended H and still want to make this work.

The parenting issue might be a red herring but you can test H's commitment. Parenting as a couple means equal responsibility so trust H and give some control to him.

If things don't work out you'll know you tried. Whether or not there is an OW waiting in the wings H's job of being a father needn't stop the moment he packs his bags. Even if you separate as a couple, that bond (If there is one) can still exist and develop.

Personally I don't react well to being handed an ultimatum. I may not agree with his tactic but it's making you look at life with H, and how you are raising your DC. What are your thoughts OP?

I have to say on a situation where the OP is solely to blame and her DH is right in being more authoritative, I would have expected the OP to come and say:
Well we have some massive difference in parenting style. We have been having some discussions about it but it's going nowhere and we just argue about it.

Instead we have the OP coming saying that her oh wants to move put because his son is a spoil brat and that he is overly straight and only wants to give him the bare essentials. She is coming saying that he favours some of his dcs over others. And that she feels she needs to compensate his harsh behaviour by giving in more than she normally would.

I'm sorry but that smacks if her DH being a twat and over controlling. And her allowing him to do that trying to make things better the wrong way, ie indulging him.
I sure the 'soft' parenting issue would solve itself wo her DH round.

crabby how can you from a few lines that sll the responsibility us on the OP shoulder and she us the one that had to change though?
Different people gave different interpretations of what us written between the lines.

i openly admit i am soft with my son...he knows how to play me and get what he wants from me

Louise, I dont mean this harshly but you arent doing him any favours in the long run. You also arent doing his future gfs any favours.

Becuase he'll learn that by manipulation he can get what he wants and he'll try that on his poor gfs.

Setting limits like joysmum says is going to help him and his future friends, specially female friends, much more.

I think that is actually more important than anything else, in the long term.

Why did your partner split up with the mother if his other children OP? I think your answer to this will be quite revealing.

Lets hope the op takes joysmums sensible advice and doesnt take ages poisonous bait eh .

Im thinking of the kid Just. That is all.

crabby how can you [know] from a few lines that sll the responsibility us on the OP shoulder and she us the one that had to change though?

I don't know any such thing Lady, and didn't imply that I did. That's why I used the word if three times in my post and said 'I could be totally wrong, of course'. I don't see how anyone can make these emphatic pronouncements, full of certainty and blame, on a situation on which they know only a sliver of one-sided information. Yet I see it on MN all the time.

Frankly I can't find any way of knowing if what the OP calls pampering her son is what most of us would call pampering, or if it simply pampering compared to his dad's parenting style. I don't even know if when she says "he knows how to play me" this is what an objective observer would see or if she is taking on the interpretation of her dp.

I'd need a few scenarios to make up my mind on this one. What is it that you buy him that his dad wouldn't? What are these birthday and Christmas presents his dad thinks he shouldn't have? What is this pampering behaviour of what you speak?

I look forward to the son's first wife/partner posting about her lazy DH/DP.

Boney, really? And you're basing your overly negative opinion of the op based on what?

"i openly admit i am soft with my son...he knows how to play me and get what he wants from me"
"Ive actually just got him to bring his dirty clothes down after asking him 5 times..when hes not on his xbox,tablet and laptop hes normally asleep..."
"I do think its more to do with me sticking up for my son"
"i suppose i have pampered him"
"my son has to be told constantly tidy up, get washed, clean your teeth and leaves his things where he drops them"
"Sometimes I find it easier just to do these things rather than wait for him to do it"

Have a look at the lazy DH/DP threads and spot the similarities.
Its MN relationship bingo and I call house.

Boney, many mothers do things for their children, some might call it pampering. You have absolutely no evidence based on what the op has said to support your negative and I'll informed views. I pamper my son in that case and I make no apologies for it. Life doesn't happen in a silo. Your response makes no sense to me.

"Your response makes no sense to me."

maybe you should read it again, my "negative and ill informed" views are form what the OP says, they fill the relationship threads on here, my DP does nothing, my DP plays games all of the time, my DP doesn't tidy up/clean up, my DP is lazy, my DP is a mummy's boy and that's just the threads aimed directly at the DP.

What about the ones aimed at the MiL as well? My MiL does everything for my DP, my DP won't stand up for me when MiL insults me. my MiL comes in to my house and takes over.

Where do you think the "men" in these threads come from?

Hes 10, I did far more for ds1 at that age than when he was 12,14,16 etc you dont have any idea how he will be as an adult.

I don't know how he will turn out, that is a truth that I will not deny, but when one parent is asking for a child to do something and the other parent is taking the opposite view what do you think is the most likely outcome for the child is?

Yes, my response is flippant, but I will ask again where do the lazy, console playing, unhelpful, manipulative, mummies boys come from?

Boney, they come from lots of different places. In my experience (and I work in mental health - people), the men you're talking about come from a range of backgrounds. I've never met one in real life; it's not my bag, but I don't think we can link the two. I could of course be wrong but it doesn't make sense to me. I would suggest there's more at play here.