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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

partner cant cope with sons behaviour...

95 replies

Louisem81 · 12/02/2014 08:45

My other half has said he cant cope with our 10 year old sons attitude and behaviour and if it carries on hes going to find a flat...he says i pamper and do too much for our son and its my fault hes lazy and wont do anything for himself..maybe i have done too much for him but doesnt every mum ?? :-(

OP posts:
ATacticalNameChange · 12/02/2014 20:20

You have to ask him for money? That doesn't sound right.

lljkk · 12/02/2014 20:29

I'd love to move out some days.

Original poster
Louisem81 · 12/02/2014 20:29

We both work full time...and if we want or need anything i only have to tell him and he will get it...i didnt mean i have to beg him for money or anything

OP posts:
PurpleRayne · 12/02/2014 20:33

"and he will get it" ...

ATacticalNameChange · 12/02/2014 20:33

Ok I see: phew. But can you access money yourself or is he always the gatekeeper? Xxx

Original poster
Louisem81 · 12/02/2014 20:36

I have my own money and he has his and we have a joint account..he earns more than me so my account needs topping up now and then :-)

OP posts:
ageofgrandillusion · 12/02/2014 20:46

he has older children from another relationship who in my opinion can do no wrong in his eyes
Struggling to get past this sentence. So this bell-end thinks he can go around playing judge and jury about the various off-spring he has brought into the world from different partners? His current one doesn't quite measure up does he? Here's an idea: why doesn't he go find somebody else, get them knocked up, and see how this next one turns out? Maybe he could throw a hissy fit and threaten to move into a flat if he or she doesn't live up to his expectations. Tis a bloody joke.

maggiemight · 12/02/2014 20:53

I'm surprised a 10 year old can cause this much problem - if the lad has an Xbox, tablet and laptop I'm surprised you see anything of him from one day to the next.

If he is glued to his gadgets 90% of the time then the remaining 10 % when he does surface, leaves a mess then, yes he needs to learn to be tidier.

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 12/02/2014 21:10

I think you should let him move out... no, INSTRUCT him to move out. Your poor son :( He needs to see that YOU don't think of him this way and won't stand for anybody treating him this way. IMO. (And I know easy to say but not so easy in practice :( )

Original poster
Louisem81 · 12/02/2014 21:22

His older kids are 12 and 15..the 15 daughter is his fave and he wont have a word said about her...the 12 yo boy doesnt really have much to do with his dad, hes more of a mummys boy...

OP posts:
Original poster
Louisem81 · 12/02/2014 21:25

Ive actually just got him to bring his dirty clothes down after asking him 5 times..when hes not on his xbox,tablet and laptop hes normally asleep...

OP posts:
knickernicker · 12/02/2014 21:34

Your do sounds heavy handed and lacking in empathy. He needs,to be playing his part to improve your son's behaviour and organisation without making silly threats.

maggiemight · 12/02/2014 21:58

the 15 daughter is his fave and he wont have a word said about her, the 12 yo boy doesnt really have much to do with his dad

Oh, dear, sounds like DH struggles with boys. Did he have an unhappy childhood himself?

SolidGoldBrass · 13/02/2014 02:09

Your partner is a cock. I can confidently predict that this is the problem, and as the thread goes on you will find yourself sharing more examples of bullying, selfish behaviour from him.

It's simply nearly always the case that family problems are due to a man thinking that his Wife&Kids need to accept that they are his possessions and he is the Person in the family, who must be obeyed.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/02/2014 09:08

.the 12 yo boy doesnt really have much to do with his dad, hes more of a mummys boy...

History repeating itself? Does this have something to do with how their father behaves with them? Maybe he's not very good at bonding with his sons.

LadyInDisguise · 13/02/2014 09:24

Look there might be things you want to change re your parenting g but the wY your oh us behaving is appalling. And I am standing from the pov if someone who has a DH who can be very strict, expect a spotless bedroom etc....
So not that different than what your oh is saying. However he would never ever have said that he would have said that our dc was a spoilt brat. He would never have threatened me to leave. He would have td me in no uncertain terms that he doesn't agree with me. He would have taken a much bigger part in our dc life. And he would have tried to explain why he thinks his way is better. But just grumble, call his son names and decide to move out.

There seems to be a huge difference in parenting style between you two (is he as strict with his older dcs I wonder?). And you seem to feel that you have to go the other extreme to compensate for your oh behaviour and harsh attitude. Did I get that right? That you are so uncomfortable of his parenting style, which might remind you of your own childhood, that you have tried hard to give the opposite to your dc?

Either way, you need to have a talk about your parenting expectations. In my book, leaving things around, no tidying is the norm in my house and I have been asking g them to do that since they were toddlers. So not an issue as such. Spending all his time on electronic stuff isn't my thing. But again if he is coming back home at 6.00pm every evening after you gave both finished work, I probably wouldn't find it as much of an issue.
Maybe look at his attitude with a bigger lenses. Dies he expect you to do thing always HIS way wo taking your opinion into consideration? Does he have different standard between your ds and his older children? Were his older dcs that different at that age(if you have seen them)? Is he giving as little to his older dcs than to your ds? All things to take into consideration.

LadyInDisguise · 13/02/2014 09:32

And I have to say having some favourite between children is just NOT acceptable anyway.

Original poster
Louisem81 · 13/02/2014 10:19

My childhood memories are of my mum drinking wine until she passed out...and ive always said my child will never have to go thru what i went thru...i openly admit i am soft with my son...he knows how to play me and get what he wants from me...i think thats why our parenting expectations are so different...

OP posts:
knickernicker · 13/02/2014 14:11

Louise. I think you'd prefer people to post in favour of your partner's point of view because you don't want to split up.
Addressing your softness with your son is a different issue to the key issue that you dp o is a git who'd rather make threats about leaving than engage with you and his son healthily.

expatinscotland · 13/02/2014 14:19

He sounds like a cck who doesn't deserve the son he's got.

Hope he leaves. It would be the best thing for your son.

ageofgrandillusion · 13/02/2014 14:58

Louisem - you really are missing the point. This is not about different parenting styles. This is about you being in a relationship with a very childish, selfish man. Why cant you just put your son first?

maggiemight · 13/02/2014 15:34

Sounds like you had a dysfunctional childhood (didn't we all but yours sounds extreme) and sounds like DH loves girls but can't handle boys (prob had a cruel parent or something which causes this) but there is no excuse and your DS is coming into his teens and needs sensible and loving parenting.

So can you find a counsellor who can advise on where you might be going wrong or just read up on what you should be doing. Could your DC find a sport to follow to get him away from games? Both you and your DH need to change and work together and if DH refuses because he thinks he knows best (which, with one distant son already he obviously doesn't) perhaps he should move out.

Joysmum · 13/02/2014 15:48

5 times of asking???

Why did it need 5 times if asking? What consequence did you give him on the second time of asking and did you follow through with it on the third time?

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 13/02/2014 15:54

Let him move out..but then he's going to have to take care of ds on his own every other weekend and a couple nigths a week!

Timetoask · 13/02/2014 16:02

Maybe your OH told you he would leave just to make you react a little?
You are not doing any favours to your son's future by doing everything for him and by allowing him to spend his days on the xbox, tablet, laptop.
You and OH need to sit down and discuss how to fix things TOGETHER. He needs to back you up. Your son is only 10, you have time to correct things, don't leave it till he is a teenager.