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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my dh has just left me

77 replies

daisydee43 · 08/02/2014 22:43

Am pretty numb so excuse the writing...

Dh was on lads night out with work ppl - started at 4pm then at 9pm rings to get me to pick him up. I say no cos dd asleep and we already agreed he would get a cab. Now he said were done and his gone to his mums (which he has never done). He bought up lots of stuff like how hard he works to give me and dd a good life and I do nothing for him (I work PT but he's always resented me having days off but then says he doesn't want me to work!?)
I'm so confused and numb - I know I have a lot to lose and without him I'd have nothing but I love him to bits and he breaks my heart

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 08/02/2014 22:46

Doesn't sound like a lot to lose to me.

Frankly he sounds like a twat. Easier for him to get a taxi than you to get your baby out of bed.

It's just emotional blackmail. If you want him to start respecting you I'd ignore it and not contact him.

FromagePlease · 08/02/2014 22:46

I'm sure someone wise will come along with some good advice soon. I don't know what to say, but just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

It all seems very random, was there any indication that he was unhappy? An explanation for this behaviour? (If indeed it can be explained!)

Fairylea · 08/02/2014 22:48

Why on earth does he expect you to wake your sleeping child up to pick him up?! Surely he can get a cab which is what you both agreed before?!

And to leave you over that?!

He sounds like an abusive arse!!

Why on earth are you feeling like you have lots to lose without him? I think you'd be much better off!

Coconutty · 08/02/2014 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ruprekt · 08/02/2014 22:49

Probably just the drink talking......go to bed and see what tomorrow brings. SmileSmile

MajesticWhine · 08/02/2014 22:51

He's most likely being a drunk tosser and will bitterly regret what he said.

Original poster
daisydee43 · 08/02/2014 22:55

Hi ppl he is 27. Used to suffer with bipolar but thought it had cleared up. I'm sure tomorrow will be a different story. He does often tell me he's fed up with me as I'm quite clumsy and forgetful and he bangs on abt how hard he works

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/02/2014 22:56

It's either properly over or he's posturing. Either way you have to retain your self-respect and get tough. Means no running after him begging him to return. No persistent calls/texts etc. Use the time to do some thinking about what love looks like and how you think you should be treated. Don't leave it to him to decide if the relationship is on or off. Work out what you want and set the bar high!

dramajustfollowsme · 08/02/2014 22:58

If my dh turned up at his mum's and said why he wasn't going home. He would get a very strong talking to. And my MiL can be spiteful.
He will probably be grovelling in the morning but I wouldn't let him back so easily. He is treating you like an employee, at best.
He has to really show that this won't happen again and start valuing your contribution to your family life. You work part-time and no doubt do the lion's share of childcare and housework. He is a shit for behaving this way. Don't let him walk over you.

MommyBird · 08/02/2014 22:59

Im guessing it was the drink talking.

No nornal parent would expect to be picked up if that ment waking up their child.

Cabrinha · 08/02/2014 23:00

Ruprekt are you serious?
Just the drink, see what tomorrow brings, all smiles?!!

What kind of arsehole goes off to his mum's after not getting an impractical lift when a taxi was agreed?

And it's OK, because it was just drink? Drink that he chose to have.

You know what? Decent men do not turn into arseholes because they have a drink in them. Arseholes just act more arseholey when they're drunk.

I'm sorry OP, how dreadful for you. I'm going to hazard a guess this isn't the first time ever he's been an arsehole.

Being drunk is not some get out of jail free card!

If he sobers up and apologises, well - in the broader context if your relationship it's your choice if you accept it. But if it's "just the drink" I'd expect him to be so ashamed and so keen to make sure it never happens again, that he limits his alcohol from now on.

Just a hunch, but I bet he wouldn't.

Cabrinha · 08/02/2014 23:05

Fucking hell, another reply about the drink talking, like that somehow means he's not responsible for what he's done?!!!

OP, just re-read - you've already given examples of other things. He wants you to work PT, then complains?!

Honestly, I'm not someone who calls "abuse" after one little incident... but I really think you should have a chat with someone about his behaviour in general. I just think it's the tip of the iceberg. Sounds to me like you're being punished for not picking him up.

Please don't excuse anything because if alcohol. It's still HIM. Cos you know, plenty of people get blind drunk and don't treat their partner like shit.

Like I say - if he's a decent guy, he'll be mortified he's put you through this, and he'll stop getting drunk to stop it ever happening again. He won't stop though.

Ruprekt · 08/02/2014 23:07

Calm down Cabrinha!

It sounds like an odd thing to do. He is probably drunk, will regret what he said and realise he was being a twat!

YellowTulips · 08/02/2014 23:09

He called expecting you to pick him up pissed whilst the children were in bed? Really?

For goodness sake he's best off at his mothers given he is acting like a baby.

It's over and he wants to leave you? Ok fine - he sounds lovely - not.

He's pissed and unreasonable. Let him sleep it off and then give it to him with both barrels tomorrow. Stop bring sad/anxious sand get bloody angry. Find your backbone please.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/02/2014 23:11

He wasn't drunk when he resented the OP over the PT work and bangs on about giving her a good life.... Wouldn't be at all surprised if the bipolar thing is being milked as an excuse for more crappy behaviour. Hmm

Only1scoop · 08/02/2014 23:13

Op....sounds like you walk on egg shells maybe....describing yourself as Clumsy and forgetful? Does he make you feel bad about silly things?
Bi Polar I'm not an expert but is this something that normally 'clears up'
Sorry you are so upset Hmm

WarmFuzzyFuture · 08/02/2014 23:14

Bipolar does not 'clear up', was/is this diagnosis by a Psychiatrist/mental health professional?

Only1scoop · 08/02/2014 23:14

Cogito....I wonder that also Hmm

Ledkr · 08/02/2014 23:16

This would t even come into my radar. I'd just bloody ignore him and go to bed!
He's just pissed and being dramatic.
Let him sleep at his mums and tell him not to come back until he can apologise!

InTheRedCorner · 08/02/2014 23:16

Lock up and go to bed.

Let him think about his consequences in the morning.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/02/2014 23:17

BTW... living in a state of stress or anxiety can result in making someone appear clumsy and forgetful. Have you ever spoken to your GP about it?

LEMmingaround · 08/02/2014 23:18

So let me get this right, because you wouldn't go to pick him up, he has thrown his toys and told you it is over and gone to stay with his mum.

Sadly, he wont stay there, he'll be back tomorrow - expecting you to apologise no doubt - be out!

Original poster
daisydee43 · 08/02/2014 23:18

Hi I was wrong to say his bipolar had cleared up, meant to say had got better. Yes was diagnosed, used to take medication, has had quite a few bipolar episodes ending in trips to a&e and the police station. Last episode was last year some time but that was pretty calm. Yes I do walk on egg shells and never feel I'm good enough but I want this to work, I don't want it to be over

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 08/02/2014 23:20

are you scared of him?

ENormaSnob · 08/02/2014 23:20

Well rid