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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my dh has just left me

77 replies

daisydee43 · 08/02/2014 22:43

Am pretty numb so excuse the writing...

Dh was on lads night out with work ppl - started at 4pm then at 9pm rings to get me to pick him up. I say no cos dd asleep and we already agreed he would get a cab. Now he said were done and his gone to his mums (which he has never done). He bought up lots of stuff like how hard he works to give me and dd a good life and I do nothing for him (I work PT but he's always resented me having days off but then says he doesn't want me to work!?)
I'm so confused and numb - I know I have a lot to lose and without him I'd have nothing but I love him to bits and he breaks my heart

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 08/02/2014 23:20

Ruprekt, I'm calm, but I'm disgusted at his behaviour.
He hadn't just been a bit offhand on the phone when he couldn't get a pick up.
He has left his partner - with a baby - unsure whether she has been dumped or not.
That's not something to just think is OK, because it's "just drink".
Frankly, it amazes me just how much shit people will excuse because of alcohol.

Perhaps you're right that this is completely out of character. I doubt it though, going by the OP's comment about part time working.

But let's say he is acting out of character. Let's blame the alcohol. So - you reckon he's going to be ashamed, apologetic AND realise he can't trust himself to drink and therefore resolve (genuinely not for show) to not get drunk again, for fear of ever putting his partner through this again? Really?

Leaving someone not knowing if they are dumped is a pretty shitty thing to do, no?

I'm not calm - I'm irritated that he has treated her like this. I'm irritated that alcohol is given as some kind of get out if jail free card. I'm proud that makes me not calm. I don't want to be calm when people are treated badly.

Original poster
daisydee43 · 08/02/2014 23:20

Cogito - that's an interesting comment I would think this is what happens, is there any answer for this?

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 08/02/2014 23:21

Do you know what bipolar is? how does it manifest itself?

Original poster
daisydee43 · 08/02/2014 23:24

No idea, seems to manifest in stressful situations then escalated by drink. A week before our wedding he cut his hand up and was bleeding all round our flat and his aunt had to calm him down

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/02/2014 23:27

An answer for what? The crappy behaviour or the anxiety-related clumsiness and forgetfulness? Because the two are linked.

dramajustfollowsme · 08/02/2014 23:28

Should he be drinking if he is bi polar? Will it not affect his medication?

(Sorry, I have no idea but would think drinking, especially to excess, would be a bad idea.)

Only1scoop · 08/02/2014 23:28

Sounds worrying....have you been married long?

Original poster
daisydee43 · 08/02/2014 23:30

He doesn't take medication atm, been married 3 yrs, have dd whose 2

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 08/02/2014 23:31

What you describe is not bipolar - I am not saying he doesn't suffer from MH issues, but that is not bipolar. He is using it as an excuse and bi-polar is being publicised alot recently (this is good) but he has told you that he is bi-polar when he isn't. He may well think he is, but it doesn't fit - bi-polar people go through periods of extreme mania (hyperactivity, being on a high) and extreme depression, it used to be called manic depression. This just sounds like someone who has anger issues and can't handle his drink.

ashtrayheart · 08/02/2014 23:35

Sounds more bpd than bi polar but either way - I had ten years with someone like that, never again. If you're egg shelling, get out.

MajesticWhine · 08/02/2014 23:35

Lemming, you can't categorically say he is not bipolar based on the information given. Aggression can be a feature.

Original poster
daisydee43 · 08/02/2014 23:39

Ok so his back! Nothing said yet, was on the way to bed

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 08/02/2014 23:40

He's not managing his bi polar and is allowing his consequent abusive behaviour to effect you and his family, he is doing this in the full knowledge that this hurts you. You may want this to work but the THIS you speak of will never get benter because he chooses not to make it.

You can't fight what he is doing but you can step off the battle field and refuse to engage.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 08/02/2014 23:42

I'm bipolar so I know a little bit about this - mind you, it's only my own experience and I am not a psychiatrist or a doctor.

Bipolar does not clear up or go away. It needs active management, somewhat like diabetes. Most people with bipolar will be on medication for life and I mean same time, every day, never missing a day, so it is concerning that your DP is no longer taking it. Again similar to a diabetic person with insulin. Was he taken off his meds by his psychiatrist? I suspect not.

One of the major symptoms of a manic episode is that the person starts to believe they are "better", no longer need their medication or doctors or support network, they stop taking their proper meds and start self-medicating with drugs (cannabis) or alcohol.

I'm sorry OP but I think he is showing signs of being at the beginning of a full blown manic episode. Try to get him back on his meds and to his doctor / psychiatrist as soon as you can.

BTW I have not had an episode in 5 years - mania or depression. I look after myself and have a great support network, so don't despair too much. It is possible as a bipolar sufferer to lead a nice healthy normal life, with life's normal ups and downs.

Original poster
daisydee43 · 08/02/2014 23:43

Has thrown wedding ring at me, I'm not reacting, too tired Hmm

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 08/02/2014 23:46

Op ....no don't react at all. Just get yourself to bed. If he has an ounce of anything about him, he will apologise tmrw. Not that it will make things right. This is no way for you to live....but you know that. I hope he gets some help for the sake of his family.

Original poster
daisydee43 · 08/02/2014 23:47

Ok so I'm crying but I haven't said a word, don't know what to

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 08/02/2014 23:49

Can you go to bed....are you frightened of him Op?

Original poster
daisydee43 · 08/02/2014 23:50

I'm in bed no not scared of him, he'd hurt himself before me

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 08/02/2014 23:50

is he very drunk? if you are worried, please call the police - if you think he will leave you alone, go to bed, but take your phone with you in case you need to summon help.

Only1scoop · 08/02/2014 23:51

Then try to sleep tmrw your head will be clearer to think.

Original poster
daisydee43 · 08/02/2014 23:52

Thanks girls no need for police (only rang them once on him) I just feel numb

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 08/02/2014 23:53

Is there anyone in rl that you can talk to about this - this is a really worrying situation. If he has mental health issues that he is not seeking help for that lead him to lose his temper, you AND your child could be in danger.

ChippingInWadesIn · 08/02/2014 23:55

Would his Mum not let him in?

Is he angry? Sorry? Loud? Quiet? Looking for a fight or wanting to sleep?

Original poster
daisydee43 · 08/02/2014 23:56

Hi Lem - thank you for your concern I know I'm not in any danger, he's never hurt me and he definitely won't hurt dd, actually seems quite calm

OP posts: