I think my dh has just left me

[daisydee43]

Am pretty numb so excuse the writing...

Dh was on lads night out with work ppl - started at 4pm then at 9pm rings to get me to pick him up. I say no cos dd asleep and we already agreed he would get a cab. Now he said were done and his gone to his mums (which he has never done). He bought up lots of stuff like how hard he works to give me and dd a good life and I do nothing for him (I work PT but he's always resented me having days off but then says he doesn't want me to work!?)
I'm so confused and numb - I know I have a lot to lose and without him I'd have nothing but I love him to bits and he breaks my heart

Lovely OP, you sound like you have self-esteem issues, and I think you need to give some tough love. Don't let him walk all over you, bipolar or not. But the fact he came home is a good thing, drink can make people act like morons, I can personally vouch for that. It might be that the drink is aggravating his mental health issues, it may be that he can't handle his drink but please, try and get some sleep so you will not be exhausted in the morning when you can deal with this when he has sobered up. And don't let him blame you for the choices you have made together - you need to be straight talking - if you can.

Not sure what happened with his mum, he's just watching tv in other room, can't even hear it that loud (think he means it)

Ok good night all will keep you posted thank you

Bog off you silly person. I've reported your nonsense post.

Ignore the spam. I have a feeling he will be very apologetic in the morning. I would hide his wedding ring to see if he remembers throwing it.this will tell you whether its a drink problem rather than an 'episode'. You need to start treating a trantrumming adult like you would a child...you are not putting up with it, full stop! Sounds more trouble than he is worth to me.

daisy very sorry to hear you are going through this. Bipolar is a chronic lifelong condition as you know but it can be managed, and managed well. One of the major triggers (I have bipolar too) is stress. Another is a dip in medication. Either way, alcohol makes symptoms much worse.

How regularly does he see his psychiatrist? Is he taking medication regularly? It can also take years to recover from an episode - it could be that he is still on the last manic or depressive period. A year since his last isn't a long time.

Unfortunately it can make us behave very strangely. I have said and done things I bitterly regret to dh when sick but I have to say I've never blamed him for any problems. I do know the pressure of being the main breadwinner when sick and it can be terribly stressful. We are sometimes not easy to live with sometimes and my heart went out to you when you said you live on eggshells as dh has said that to me before. He says it is night and day with me when my medication dips or works - do you experience this with dh?

All of that said, I still know in my head what I can and can't say to people and he should not be using you as a verbal punchbag to relieve any of his symptoms. As hearts rightly says, it's a manageable condition but acknowledging our limits of what stress we can tolerate is key. And acknowledging how our behaviour can impact on those around us is crucial. If I refuse to take ownership of this then my dh would quite rightly leave me. We always talk it out though, always. I say what I was experiencing and dh tells me the impact that had. It happens rarely these days and he knows it's not 'me' and a trip to the psychiatrist usually follows.

Has he always been this unpleasant to you? Bipolar is not an excuse to be verbally abusive. You should feel able to express how his condition is making you feel and he should take steps to manage that. Are you able to talk to him? If you feel unable to cope because he refuses to take care of himself then you should consider your relationship going forward.

Hope you are OK this morning.

I should have added.... limits with stress, alcohol and other triggering factors....

Have you ever had support as part of a role of carer? I'm not in the UK but I know there are carer support networks out there for bipolar and you should have been given some advice from his psychiatric team as to your role.

Living - hi thanks for your post, yes this is my situation. What can I do to help the situations? What does your dh do for you?

It's a difficult one I think. I need to probably get some feedback from DH and then pass it onto you.

The most important thing is to agree a care plan with his psychiatrist. Included in that would be what to do when he starts to crash again, numbers to call and how to get him into specialist care before he goes too far the other way. Crisis line, community assistance etc for his crisis action plan. Part of the wider care package.

But much of it is really your DP's responsibility to ensure that he's got these strategies in place to stop the illness from escalating. You can talk to someone who's in a manic phase till you are blue in the face and they won't acknowledge what you're saying. This is why the support of your community mental health team is so important as they are the professionals who move in to take over.

DH would also say that continual communication between the two of us is so important. He 'talks me down' for want of a better expression quite often and puts me back to somewhere more rational then we go and see my psychiatrist.

There is only so much he can do. He's had to follow me surreptitiously in the car/walked behind me when I've taken off in the middle of the night to keep an eye on me, for example. Or when I have been suicidal he actually quit a job to stay home with me. It's not sustainable unless the person with bipolar gets treatment and sticks to the plan. I rant and rave about it sometimes but you get over it and get on with it otherwise life is unbearable for everyone around you.

If your DH is refusing medication or refusing to seek help I really don't know what you can do short of contact his GP or psychiatrist for intervention and assistance. You aren't trained to deal with this, all you can do is try to get him to the doctor and enact your crisis action plan. And let them take over.

He's got to want to help himself. And you've got to have some support too - I'd recommend visiting www.bipolaruk.org.uk/ who have carer support forums and information for carers as a good place to start. You don't have to go it alone

Day 3 still no talking, he's on the sofa - really down and dd is at her full terrible twos tantrums today

Can you tell him to leave and go to his mums for a few days to give you some space?
Stonewalling is not nice.
Make sure you don't do anything for him while he is ignoring you.
No washing, cooking, cleaning, nothing!
He doesn't sound like a nice person.
Do you want to live the rest of your life with this man and the way he treats you? Something to really think about.
Someone else with some experience and good advice will along soon I'm sure.

I would imagine this is to punish you.

The aim being to make you afraid in order that when he does decide to speak to you again, you will be so grateful that you won't refuse to pick him up next time and you will generally behave in a more accommodating manner. No doubt you are to beg forgiveness and eventually he will graciously accept your humble apologies and your promises to be a Better Wife.

Sadly, he is not the first man to behave like that.

Iseeyou has it spot on.
Look up 'stonewalling' on google.
May open your eyes to his behaviour a bit.
Don't give in to him though.
No apologies, you did nothing wrong.
He behaved like a total arse.

Pack his bags and dump them at his feet, your DD deserves better than him sitting round treating the mother of his child this way.

OK I come at it from a different perspective. Depression in bipolar is black. You are in a place where the whole world is black, dark, monsters in every corner of your head.

I have gone two week stretches where I can´t talk. Literally cannot open my mouth. I can´t move, it is like a paralysis. It´s a horrible, horrible place to be. The only thing you can think of doing is killing yourself. Even if you are working all you can think of is that moment where you can kill yourself, end all the having to talk to people.

Is he suicidal or having suicidal thoughts do you know and has he been like this before? Does he acknowledge that he needs to get to his GP and psychiatrist again? I was hopsitalised when I didn´t speak so you may need to get medical intervention if it is that serious.

I don´t want to judge or second guess as you have experience of his condition. But if he´s refusing help then I can only sadly say that you have to think about what´s best for you and your DC first. It doesn´t have to be a lifetime of misery with bipolar at all, but you´ve got to want to help yourself.

Also he could just be being a twat as the other posters have already highlighted in which case you have to consider your position.

oh op

Do you get on with your mil?
Could you ring and talk to her?
Can you get a dr out to him?

Why a doctor? He is abusive and bullying, not ill.

Toffee the man has bipolar disorder for God's sake. How about the benefit of doubt to see if he's in a severe serious depression first before assuming he's being abusive? The op will know his mood patterns and behaviours and be able to tell if this is an episode or if he is being a dick.

daisy if this is more about his bipolar you may want to ask mumsnet to move this to the mental health section. Hope you are OK.

FGS Toffee did you not read the rest of the thread? It appears he is ill if he has a diagnosis of bi-polar. Try and have some understanding and if you can't post anything useful, I suggest you don't bother posting at all.

OP I do think you probably need to get him to see a doctor. And I agree with Whereisegg - could you enlist the help of MIL? Treat him gently - yes he has behaved badly but if it is due to depression he needs help and understanding. Good luck.

Really really sounds suspicious to me. Sounds like he wanted to have a row with you over something so he could have an excuse not to come home that night!!!

Surely he knew you were going to say "no". You had already agreed that he would get a taxi. Did he stay at his mother's house - would she cover for him??

I tell you now - I would not be worrying about whether he had left me or not. I would double-lock the door so there was no way he could get in that night and be absolutely fuming! I am guessing that most women would feel this way!

I don't know you, him or your relationship but I know one thing for sure - people only treat you the way that you let them.

OK brorkbaby again, please read the thread. The man is not well. It doesn't mean things are excusable or easy if he is refusing treatment but if he's sick he's sick and both he and the op need help and support first before the op can begin to unpick her relationship and where it's going.

I am free to post what and where I want and was my opinion. The OP doesn't have to take notice of it or anything else posted.

Hi guys sorry for the controversy - yes dh is a bipolar sufferer but I just can't read him this time, it's different but I know his illness is bought on by stress and he's had plenty lately. MIL is a rock and will be seeing her fri when she looks after dd. Don't want to bring her into a domestic really but would be interesting to find out if he's talked to her lately. Unfortunately he is a typical bloke that won't go to drs and a lot of medical help has failed in the past (was in a mental health unit for a bit). I must relax everyone by saying tho that he's not going to harm me or dd and I'm definitely not scared of him. I do put up with verbal abuse on occasions and I'm going to stop being a doormat

Please, please work on your self-esteem. It was probably quite good before you met your husband.

I am no expert on bi-polar condition, but I know quite a lot about emotional abuse, and that is how he is treating you. Unfortunately the victims of emotional abuse find it hard to get out of that situation.

Only you know how much you can put up with, but whether or not you stay, go or his attitude changes with treatment, you really need to work on your self-esteem.