The Dating Thread 69

[FolkGirl]

Just because I wanted to be the person to start it really

Welcome one and all.

And you guys are so right- dating wardrobe needed! ;-)

Green - Your date might have been too nervous/excited when he turned up to meet you and just completely forgot to apologise. Dates can be nerve-racking and often the build up to them is worse than the actual date; he might have been cacking his pants with panic whilst coming to see you. You'll get a better idea next time you see him of how he is and you can perhaps tell him then that you were cheesed off with him not saying sorry.

Santa - He probably isn't happy about being back at his parents house, but these things can happen after a breakup and apparently it's a common thing now.

HandG - Don't feel like an idiot for being stood up. Assuming his was a real profile, then you're probably better off not knowing him. Better people out there for you to meet.

FolkGirl - I can sometimes come across as emotionally distant when text messaging, I don't think the medium lends itself well to full bodied prose as such; emails are better for that, texts are good for quick stuff (although I suppose he could have at least asked why you were ill and did you need Lemsip and Lucozade)

Regarding the swapping phone numbers thing, it's a good idea for everyone. If you're going to meet someone then exchange numbers in case one of you can't make it for any reason. Somebody (I forget who it was) suggested a good idea in a previous dating thread that if you will be dating a lot, you could buy yourself a cheap PAYG mobile to just use for dating purposes; rather than give out your real number.

FolkGirl - I've just re-read in your post that you were emailing him and not texting him, as I'd previously thought. In that case ignore my above post about emotional distance in texts; there is no excuse for him not offering you Lemsip and Lucozade in an email.

Yeah, see that's what I thought MadeMan. I'm not needy. A "sorry to hear you're feeling ill" would have sufficed.

Thanks MadeMan - Don't think I've ever not exchanged numbers before and usually like to talk first, it depend's how I feel at the time, but at this point, having heard nothing back from him, I don't think it would have made a lot of difference as he was going to just not turn up anyway. I like the idea of the pay as you go phone though I don't date enough for it to be an option. Live and learn as they say!

I could do with a bit of advice on what I should do please someone, anyone :)
I don't know what to do about the two guys I have met once and want to see me again
Man I dated on Monday evening, the one I said previously I'm not sure about, as he seems super keen and sent me solutions in a txt on how to get to sleep (6 msgs in 10 mins) also not sure I would feel attracted to him in the right way although he's not unattractive iyswim. He just asks questions all the time, I find him slightly annoying. I have said I will go out again on Monday with him. However

I think I prefer the guy I met last night, seemed more laid back, but I was slightly put off by the fact he's moved back in with parents. Also the fact he is on more than one dating site. I find it hard to trust men after a very EA relationship for 3 years. I'm scared of making a mistake and " choosing" the wrong one as it were

What do I do?? Shall I see them both again, then decide? The one I'm not so keen on has to drive a little way to meet me, seems keen to pay for everything and is always keen to ask how I am. The other one by contrast has never been married, no kids but did live with someone for 8 years. So may be a bit more selfish having only had himself to think about. Maybe that's not fair as I'm making assumptions. Both mid to late 40's.

My phone just went off and I was half hoping it was from MrBricky last night but it was the other guy and I was a bit disappointed. I have second dates arranged with both for next week

I am scared of putting one off in favour of the other and getting it wrong as I don't have a good track record for judging men. It can take a long time to get to know someone. HELP

See both again Santa - I think after that you will be able to decide more easily. I've had second dates where I've thought 'no way' having spent more time with them knowing they were't right for me.
The first date is not always an indication of how the second will be, could turn you'll find you like one better or less so or visa versa, or none or both...just to confuse things even more
If you seem to like both reasonably well despite the niggles, then definitely go for the second date, it's the only way you'll know.

Never thought it would be so confusing I do like both reasonably well despite niggles, but didn't feel I wanted physical contact with the first one yet would mind with the second one. I know that's not necessarily an indication of which to choose at this stage however because that can grow and change aghrrrrrrr

The first one seemed more intelligent, but I've never really found that sexy so long as they can hold a decent conversation. I think the thing that bugging me is lack of confidence in choosing decent men. I have chosen very badly before which makes me think I may be way off track here too

Plus mr Bricky obviously got me confused with someone else he'd been chatting to or seeing as he said at one point " your parents are away on holiday at the moment aren't they" I just said " er no that's not me" and we laughed but I felt slightly annoyed

Just go for it and enjoy it Santa, see what happens and try not to let past experiences dominate and cloud things, I know it's hard but you have to have a clean slate now and try and see anyone new as separate to the jerkos you've been involved with before. Good luck

Yeah I think I won't bring it up again. I don't know yet if its going to be a casual or a serious thing. Either way he needs to turn up on time- not 55 minutes after he says!!! But yeah I'll tell him next time to call me on arrival in the city ;-) Really happy to have found someone I like for whatever might happen... We just sent each other sweet messages after that little text-hiccup. One date at a time! :-)

Haha Santa! You've got a question-asker too! Bloody hell they are SO TIRESOME!

It is hard to not let past people cloud judgement!!! But necessary!!!

I like the sound of the first one a bit better as its not nice to be mixed up with someone else, common as it is in the early days. I also like intelligence and the fact that the first one seems to want to treat you but yes... I think you def need to see both again and choose further down the line. You're allowed to. :-D

Thanks hansel and green
The first one is the question asker, has been texting this morning. Seems to have backed off a bit though thank god. The second one Mr Bricky bought most of the drinks then I bought one so I suppose not too bad.

I will see them both again next week and then see what happens from there. It feels strange though and I feel a bit guilty, strangely about the first one not so much about Mr Bricky. Anyway I know I need to relax and enjoy it

Don't feel guilty at all. You're not in a relationship so you're not cheating!

Haha Mr Nice but too many questions wants to know when I'm next free and the ONLY night this week that I am possibly free is Friday, which is Valentines Day! That's a bit much is it? I can envisage people trying to make him buy flowers or something else awful haha! Maybe there's a concert we could go to in order to avoid too many questions! ;-)

Too many questions too soon is annoying, especially if it ends up being more of a question and answers session.

I went on one date with a woman about 10 years ago and all she seemed to do was ask me questions; it was like a job interview. I forget what the questions were now, but the conversation would be like:

Her: - "So what's your favourite food?"
Me: - "Cheese, chinese, chips, chocolate, whatever, blah blah, etc, etc..."
Her: - "Hmm."
Her: - "What do you do at weekends?"
Me: - Mountaineering, water skiing, hot air ballooning, blah blah, whatever, etc, etc..."
Her: - "Hmm."

Every question seemed to be followed with "Hmm" (short, not a long 'Hmmmmm' like Homer Simpson) and the whole date was weird. I felt like asking, "Are you done? Can I go now?"

I'm going to shamelessly re-post what I posted yesterday evening. Only MadeMan replied and, whilst I'm grateful for that reply, I would just like to garner a few more opinions...

If you did read it and just chose not to reply, feel free to ignore again

I think I've worked out what my problem is with the man I'm seeing.

And this is more tangible than all my other stuff.

We've had an email exchange today - nice enough. I'm off work today ill - I told him in one of my emails. I also said I feel guilty for phoning in sick. (Always do, I hate it). He commented on the fact that I felt guilty, but not that I was off sick.

Yet, when I was under the weather with a cold and a temperature at his house, he was really attentive and looked after me. He was lovely.

I think that's what it is. It's lovely when I'm with him. But when I'm not there's an emotional distance even when we do communicate. I think I feel like there's a subtext of "don't get too close FG".

There have been more emails this week than any other previously. And he told me last weekend that he was really going to miss me this week.

In the end, we had a reasonably lengthy exchange last night. I think that what I was thinking yesterday evening, along with my other doubts are what is making me think he's just not that into me.

It makes me a little sad to think it, because he is so lovely when I'm with him. But I'd rather get out now, than when I've fallen for him if it is just wrong. I just don't really think he sees me as anything more than someone he spends a couple of days a fortnight with. And whilst he likes me well enough when I'm there, the rest of the time, I'm just not that important.

Folkgirl I didn't reply because I agreed with mademan, some people just aren't very expressive in written form. It doesn't matter that it's an email and not a text message, the medium is still wrong for them. I will email, text a lot but I'm not loving in the written form, whereas face to face I'm very physically affectionate. The problem is you don't know your chap well enough yet to know if he's just a talker or doer more than a writer. I can see that at face value not saying "sorry to hear that, hope you feel better soon", is odd and cold, but if I'm honest it's the kind of thing I'd forget to do!

It sounds like the intimacy is generally building up nicely and you haven't posted any red flags about him. It seems like the pace is wrong for you, but I think you have to step back and ask whether your preferred pace for relationships is actually healthy. The idea that you don't matter to him in between dates seems to be coming from you, not him. What would he ideally be doing?

I think you also have to be aware of mixed messages. You've said repeatedly on here that you don't want to fall for him. But I get the feeling from your posts that you want him to act like he's totally fallen for you. Is that realistic if you're holding back (which he may very well be picking up on), but also is it fair?

"There have been more emails this week than any other previously. And he told me last weekend that he was really going to miss me this week."

This sounds good though and he did look after you when he was actuially with you at his house.

"...he is so lovely when I'm with him."

This also sounds good.

Apart from him not emailing about how you were feeling when you were off sick from work, it all seems pretty good, don't you think? Maybe he doesn't want to be thought of as too needy. Perhaps you're an important part of his very, very busy life and two days a fortnight is all he can do for now.

"But I'd rather get out now, than when I've fallen for him if it is just wrong."

You might regret that though and in a way it would be bottling it and doing a runner. Part of forming relationships unfortunately is opening yourself up for the possibilty of hurt and if you hold back your feelings or run away then you might be doing yourself an injustice.

Damn it Stranger, you're right.

I don't know.

I don't really want him to have fallen for me, but I can see that that's what would have needed to happen to see what I'm looking for.

I'm just really struggling with it all, to be honest!

I hadn't really thought about it, but I think when we're together he 'gives' a lot more than I do.

I'm just going to stop thinking about it now.

Thank you...

To be honest, MadeMan, the couple of days a fortnight is driven by me (children). He said he'd like to see more of me. I think I've been guilty of thinking "well that's easy to say given it's not going to be put to the test..."

I think that because my exH lied about everything - including how he felt about me and said things because he thought it's what I wanted to hear/what he should say, rather than because it was true that I'm projecting that onto him too.

I think I might be being horribly unfair to him.

You do seem suspicious of what he says to you FolkGirl and that's not a good thing for relationships, although it's understandable if your ExH was lying to you and telling you untruths.

You sometimes hear about judging people by their actions and not by what they say. If he's honestly nice to you when he's with you then surely it's a good thing.

I also think modern technology generally doesn't help with romance either; it just seems to add an extra layer of unnecessary worry.

Hey all. Well I texted him re: this Friday and he hasn't responded. Valentines Day. Too much too soon after just one date? It doesn't bother me. I don't think it's significant. But he's maybe thinking its a bit intense!

I suggested going to a gig. Kind of made a joke about v day and said its my only free night but I'm happy to just go out with some single friends otherwise! ;-)

Does this sound ok? (Total amateur! Help wise people!)

Sounds fine to me Green. I'd just wait and see if he replies. He might not reply for another few hours/couple of days yet. I quite often waited to reply so I didn't look too keen.

Maybe he's doing the same...