How do I respond to this email from DH?

[catgirl1976]

DH and I have some problems. I think a few people on here might remember some of them and some of MN have the strong opinion that DH is not good for me.

However, I do love him. But I am exhausted and unhappy.

I tried to talk to him last night and this morning found the email below in my inbox.

I just don't know how to reply, or what I want. Well I do. I want things back the way they were and I want a partner.

Does anyone have any advice on how I should respond?

Hello Cat,

It guts me to see you so unhappy. It really wasn't the intention. You see there was a time when we had fun and I thought it rocked. So much so I didn't want anything to interrupt that. But you wanted a baby and reluctantly I acquiesced. Thank the stars I did. Look at DS! He is incredible and amazing.

That doesn't help you though. (Actually it should but lets move on from that).

You are right, I have changed. I have grown older, and also commercially very cynical. My entire life I have been looking for happiness, I have actually found it in our DS. I never expected this and certainly didn't ask for it, but he has had a profound effect on my outlook on life.

Its a crime that you were forced (in part by me I guess) back to work so early. I do agree you have drawn the shitty end of a long stick. The answer is simple, that being get a new job. However I fear you will be unhappy wherever you are. Certainly XX despite its shortcomings is far better than any company I have had the grace to work for. I also admit that's not saying much.

You are 100% Correct in that I could do more around the house. I hope you acknowledge the increased effort I have been putting into this. An example would be tidying up even though I have DS. Yes I could do more, but I am sure you can relate to the amount of demands he makes on one and given that its easy to procrastinate. However that said I will increase my productivity and I hope it makes life easier for you.

For me though the nub is that I feel as out of place as you do. I have said repeatedly that I would love to do your job, hell I have even advised you on it (Not that you really need it, you are more than competent, I was just trying to help). The fact of the matter is that at the ripe old age of forty I have no other trade than selling. Between you, me and the gatepost, I cannot and will not return to the environment that I used to inhabit. I cant. Call it burnt out, mid life crisis, or laziness. I simply cannot do that anymore. As I have stated, i would rather clean toilets.

Maybe I should clean toilets. It would be fairer of course to contribute financially. However the one thing that does bring me a modicum of prestige is DS. I have worked so hard (and enjoyed it, a luxury you don't have in your vocation) to help and develop him. I think I am just in being proud of my Son, regardless of bias.

You are right, I do need friends and interests outside this house. However in my experience the Muppets I worked with tended to be the opposite of my outlook in every way. A notable exception would be XX. That said I don't expect to find many “XX's” in any job I stand a snowballs chance of getting.

I can see how hard you are working and pushing yourself. Its obvious that the gas tank it empty and its not sustainable. I will do whatever I can to help, with recourse to the above. I cannot fix your career.

I cannot be the the dude you fell in love with either. I'm older, slower (still quick) and jaded. But the two aspects of my life where I raise a smile are (in order) TDS and you. You are exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally. Its not surprising give the amount of responsibility on your shoulders. It means everything to me to be able to help, but DS means everything to me too, and I want to have a real, fundamental impact on him and be the father I never had. In a nutshell that means forsaking everything for him.

I don't want to forsake you though. However if we are at the point where you simply don't see why you married me, or that dude that looked you up (and down) in halls then I get it. I am not a parasite and will bow out with as much honour as I can muster.

I love you and always will, but I cant stand seeing you this unhappy. I do believe we can grow from this position, however I respect your feelings too and If that isn't a decision you subscribe to I understand.

I Love you, and pray that is enough.

x

Send Bird's reply

I wouldn't bother replying, to be honest. This guy is never going to be rational. You can't convince him.

(Your email is great. I'd send that.)

Right down to the "moving forward" and the tearjerking "I can be that person ... I need to remember who that was".

Did he say originally that he was in sales? I can believe that... it's all style over substance.

Catgirl, he is still filling your head even now, taking up your work time.

How can he possibly think that helps?

I've sent my reply.

I didn't have the courage to add Bruno's last paragraph.

I'm not sure how he will respond.

Part of me thinks he will accuse me of having an affair and / or wanting to leave him for someone else. That would be the pattern. And just thinking about that is making me so fucking angry.

Yes.

He was in sales.

He was very good at it.

'you can't carry him much longer, you risk not being able to carry yourself'

THIS.

You are heading for a breakdown. And you are the sole parent to your son (yes, you are!). You can't afford to keep on letting this waster take the support that should be going to your child.

He's a parasite on the both of you.

All these emails - the thing is OP, your reply is great in one sense - and in another the fact that you ARE even replying is awful. Because it's just prolonging the problem.

Will he change? No.

Will he talk endlessly about changing? Yes, because it buys him arse-sitting time.

Will he (possibly) truly believe he might change and is trying to? Yes, because this is such an entrenched situation he isn't shocked or appalled at the person he is. Look at his first email. He has justified his cocklodging and lack of care for his own child completely.

Emails from you stating what you want only play into his hands. I can guess myself what his long, slightly pompous, faux-intelligent, wannabe amusing/self-deprecating reply will be. And none of it will mean more than a kitten farting in a thunderstorm. Half his mind while he's writing it will be on what his score is in his latest game.

And this summer, this time next year you will still be here. Or maybe you won't be because you will have had a breakdown and had to leave your job.

What then?

So you are anticipating yet another way in which he will blame you?

Cat, I was you. 2 DCs aged 3 and 4. In my case he works and held all the money though but I was you (also working).
Your emails, conversations etc will change nothing. He doesn't want to change. He's told you - if that means that you leave he accepts it.
20 years I was with mine. Left 3 weeks ago. Have not missed him or wavered. Its hard work and ex withholding money but so right. I cannot believe I stayed so long. I think you would feel the,same.
You sound like a high achiever - this is the thing that you can't change or make work. Good luck.

I'm actually feeling a bit scared now I have sent that. God knows why

I would take the advice Armadale is saying.

Have it in the back of your mind that you will probably be leaving him and start putting your foundations in place.

It's not actually anything which is not true. How can he expect DS to respect him?

My initial thought was to put him in nursery less but agree this should be more if you can.

He needs to get a bloody job, not pin lists of how to be a pleasant human being to his computer.

I would be tempted to go home and break whatever console he is playing games on, or sell it.

Tell him to sell it and get a job.

Take him up on his offer. Put baby in childcare so he can get a cleaning job as he says that is preferable to sales. He could work a split shift if necessary.

Then when you split up he cannot claim that he is the main child carer. Expecting you to pay maintenance for baby and him whilst he shoots the baddies on call of duty!

I suspect he will want full custody if he realises he may have to work for a living.

I'd guess you're scared because it shows you aren't going along with his pretence that he's a good guy any longer.

Is he scared when he writes this tripe to you, I wonder? Or does he think he can do no wrong?

Sales is very stressful but he could do a customer service or part time telesales job - they pay comparatively well for part time work. Its not cleaning toilets but its not high pressure full on Sales.

He could of course just clean the house and look after the DS he is SOOOOOO devoted to.

If you have any chance at all with this man he needs to get a job I think. He cannot cannot cannot expect to sit at home for three days.

And yes - play the game - put DS in full time childcare and write email saying its to take the pressure off and give him a chance to find a job and of course you will continue to do majority of care outside of the childcare setting to allow him time to recover and recoup . Then Bam 3 months later divorce the bastard and keep custody of DS

Catgirl to be honest, I wouldn't bother continuing the dialogue with your H anymore - it's not going to get you anywhere .

And I suspect whatever he says now, you probably know that you don't actually want to live the rest of your life with this man now anyway.

I would do what others are saying and get some legal advice.

Play him like he is trying to play you !

Cat honestly, I've read your threads about your H before - not DH

You do know that he is using your son as an excuse to live this tiny, marginal, useless existence?

All of this shit about how he could do the dishes, but what with him being such a brilliant hands-on dad, he just can't spare the time.

Lies!! He is lying to you, absolutely without shame. He isn't a brilliant Dad. He has no desire to be a brilliant Dad. That would interfere with his sitting around time.

I've never liked the sound of him. Now, having read his emails, he is a horrible, smug, self-satisfied twat and he does not deserve you

I really hope that in a few years you're happily settled into a genuinely happy relationship with a proper partner and look back and shake your head in wonder at why you ever put up with it all.

Not sure if this was suggested - only got through the first page.

I would get him to do less. Can you make other arrangements for your son's care on the 2 days he does? ATM, he sort of sounds (on paper) like the main carer. Go home, suggest he ought to look for work and to help him you'll get DS in nursery... and then give him 3 months to establish a pattern where he isnt' the primary carer, and then kick his sorry butt out the door.

He sounds a total arse.

When people kick you down a lot, and royally take the piss, sometimes it is hard to recognise how unreasonable their behaviour is. You could even argue that you letting him treat like this is encouraging him to do it.

Yes, and get some legal advice.

I agree it's a very long e-mail that reallys says not a lot. Except he is unhappy and discontented with his lot. He really has to pull his weight a lot more in the day to day running of the home and/or earning the money. Or else it's a complete waste of time staying together.

Sorry. I agree with everyone else. Don't fall into that trap of thinking he is a good father because your son loves him and he plays with him. He is not. He is emphatically NOT.

A good father would not treat the mother of his child as this man is treating you. Please don't waste any more of your life.

Oh, Catgirl. I joined MN three years ago and you were one one of my very first pals on here.

Please end this relstionship, take some time, and grow into yourself properly and kindly.

You are amazing. Be good to yourself.

What does this man bring to your life?
Apart form stopping you finding a man who actually likes you?
And as for him being a good father, he is NOT. Proximity does not equal good parenting.

I think you would be better ditching him and getting a decent au pair - your workload would halve instantly.

I also notice everything is your fault - gosh, that's nice of him, what a gittish, arrogant tw*t he is. And he writes it in an email - "my diatribe on why my wife should feel guilty and inadequate for supporting me being a lazy sod".
No wonder he has no friends, you must be the only one who could stand him.

I expect if you had no son he would not be working either, he stays at home with your son as an excuse to do nothing.

I really really can't see what you see in him. A man so lazy he doesn't even have any male friends - that says it all really.