How do I respond to this email from DH?

[catgirl1976]

DH and I have some problems. I think a few people on here might remember some of them and some of MN have the strong opinion that DH is not good for me.

However, I do love him. But I am exhausted and unhappy.

I tried to talk to him last night and this morning found the email below in my inbox.

I just don't know how to reply, or what I want. Well I do. I want things back the way they were and I want a partner.

Does anyone have any advice on how I should respond?

Hello Cat,

It guts me to see you so unhappy. It really wasn't the intention. You see there was a time when we had fun and I thought it rocked. So much so I didn't want anything to interrupt that. But you wanted a baby and reluctantly I acquiesced. Thank the stars I did. Look at DS! He is incredible and amazing.

That doesn't help you though. (Actually it should but lets move on from that).

You are right, I have changed. I have grown older, and also commercially very cynical. My entire life I have been looking for happiness, I have actually found it in our DS. I never expected this and certainly didn't ask for it, but he has had a profound effect on my outlook on life.

Its a crime that you were forced (in part by me I guess) back to work so early. I do agree you have drawn the shitty end of a long stick. The answer is simple, that being get a new job. However I fear you will be unhappy wherever you are. Certainly XX despite its shortcomings is far better than any company I have had the grace to work for. I also admit that's not saying much.

You are 100% Correct in that I could do more around the house. I hope you acknowledge the increased effort I have been putting into this. An example would be tidying up even though I have DS. Yes I could do more, but I am sure you can relate to the amount of demands he makes on one and given that its easy to procrastinate. However that said I will increase my productivity and I hope it makes life easier for you.

For me though the nub is that I feel as out of place as you do. I have said repeatedly that I would love to do your job, hell I have even advised you on it (Not that you really need it, you are more than competent, I was just trying to help). The fact of the matter is that at the ripe old age of forty I have no other trade than selling. Between you, me and the gatepost, I cannot and will not return to the environment that I used to inhabit. I cant. Call it burnt out, mid life crisis, or laziness. I simply cannot do that anymore. As I have stated, i would rather clean toilets.

Maybe I should clean toilets. It would be fairer of course to contribute financially. However the one thing that does bring me a modicum of prestige is DS. I have worked so hard (and enjoyed it, a luxury you don't have in your vocation) to help and develop him. I think I am just in being proud of my Son, regardless of bias.

You are right, I do need friends and interests outside this house. However in my experience the Muppets I worked with tended to be the opposite of my outlook in every way. A notable exception would be XX. That said I don't expect to find many “XX's” in any job I stand a snowballs chance of getting.

I can see how hard you are working and pushing yourself. Its obvious that the gas tank it empty and its not sustainable. I will do whatever I can to help, with recourse to the above. I cannot fix your career.

I cannot be the the dude you fell in love with either. I'm older, slower (still quick) and jaded. But the two aspects of my life where I raise a smile are (in order) TDS and you. You are exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally. Its not surprising give the amount of responsibility on your shoulders. It means everything to me to be able to help, but DS means everything to me too, and I want to have a real, fundamental impact on him and be the father I never had. In a nutshell that means forsaking everything for him.

I don't want to forsake you though. However if we are at the point where you simply don't see why you married me, or that dude that looked you up (and down) in halls then I get it. I am not a parasite and will bow out with as much honour as I can muster.

I love you and always will, but I cant stand seeing you this unhappy. I do believe we can grow from this position, however I respect your feelings too and If that isn't a decision you subscribe to I understand.

I Love you, and pray that is enough.

x

Oh and yes, what others have said - you know that your son is spending the time with his dad staring at the telly and being distracted with a few toys, yes? While he plays on his computer.

Thank god he does go to childcare.

That's how brilliant this 'dad' is.

And he thinks his son is his one big achievement.

FFS get him gone!!!

I also think you need a trial separation. He sounds like a huge energy drainer. I am sure you will feel so much better without him around. You will also find it easier to do ALL the chores/housework on your own without him around. He MUST be adding to your weekly workload.

In fact, the more I read his email, the more cross I am on your behalf. He's only bloody forty; he has a quarter of a century of working life available to him. He is taking the piss Cat. He is NOT an amazing father!!!!

What Bruno said. That is a much better draft.

My other half worked yesterday from 2pm until midnight, came home and after his dinner popped the dishwasher on. Baby woke about 4:30, without asking he went and got her, popped her into our bed where we all slept until around 6:30, at that point he got up with her and sorted out the other 2 whilst I was asleep. I didn't ask him, I actually felt guilty when I woke up at 8. He's now gone off to collect some furniture for me, go onto work and then will work until 8:30pm. I don't call myself lucky, we've 3 children and a home to run and just because I don't work as many hours as him he doesn't see it my problem to do everything. From day one we've shared lie ins, house work is divided up as and when, bath and bedtimes he mainly does, and because of this - we've a huge amount of respect for each other because we both pull our weight with no resentment.

Do you want to look back and see this is how your life was you may work full time OP and feel you're not around much but I bet my bottom dollar you set your DS a better example by going out to work, and doing all you do at home than his dad ever will.

I'm so sorry catgirl, but I think you're fundamentally coming from two different places. He's saying this is him, he's changed as much as he's going to. You're saying he needs to change more. I think you're at stalemate. Where do you go from here? I know what I would do, but this is your life.

And I did notice that nasty little point he made in his email, about only having a child because you wanted one. That, to me, seems to be him saying 'Look! It's all your fault!'.

My mum suffered from depression and left a professional career. She took a pt job in a supermarket. It was a drop in status but it boosted her self esteem, got her active and socialising and brought in some money to help support her family. She got back on the career ladder later. It was a very positive move. If your dh were to do that on his three days he could pay for a cleaner and would probably find the more he did, the more motivation he would have to do more .

He has to at least try, that's the bottom line. He can't just say this is it and he is too busy being a father, as this is just not true. Either he commits to being a proper SAHP or he gets a job - otherwise your lives stay the same which clearly isn't sustainable for you (and how could it be?)

Bruno's email is spot-on. I'm so sorry. I know you love him, but right now, he's so bad for you and your DS

Could you at least find out what would be your entitlement to tax credits if you were to separate and he were to 'bow out?'

If you google 'entitledto (can someone do a link?) you will find a benefits calculator and you may well find you're financially better off without him and then perhaps look at dropping some hours?

I would focus on yourself and why you would accept someone treating you like this.

I agree with solomondaisy. His email reads like it is purely to put a good spin on himself to use in a future custody battle, it doesn't read like he wants to help you. Your reply should be the same, set out exactly how little he does to counteract all of his "I am wonderful" points

cat just a point, you've put your son's name in that email response you just typed out. You can ask MNHQ to change it to "DS" if you report and ask them.

argh, sorry, fast moving thread and slow moving me. Your post at 0932, I mean.

There are some really good responses on here - especially the 2 re-drafts of my e-mail.

I'm sorry I can't reply as much as I want to and I have to go into a meeting now, but this is really helping me clarify how I feel and what I want to say, so I am really appreciating it

I will try and re-draft at lunchtime when I get a break

To quickly answer a couple of questions, I take DS to and from nursery on a bus. DH is not actively seeking work and has nothing preventing him from doing so medically. On the 2 days DH has him he does take him to the park and he is very good with him, but doesn't take him to any groups or anything. I will try to answer any more when I get out of this meeting

How can you have any respect for this parasite, cos that's what he is, he's bringing nothing to the table, does he think he's some kind of child guru cos he's not, he's like every other dad, a dad, that is it.

His email is full of crap, basically making out he can't work cos he wants to concentrate on raising his son, what a load of bollocks.

He's a freeloader and has no intention of helping you, it's plain to see that in his email to you.

I honestly could not have any respect or admiration for a man that was spending 3 days a week at home playing on a computer, ffs, you're out working full time and paying for everything.

Get rid honestly, you'll be happier.

So the real problem is that you have a husband but feel like a single mother. He has many roles in life, husband, dad etc but he just isn't acting like a husband to you is he. The other problem is he is a man trying to survive in a woman's world and he just isn't behaving accordingly!

His overall contribution to your life is lacking and it's not good enough for you. I'm sure if you left him you would feel a massive relief. I would like to see him have a full time j

Job then come home and carry out the work you do! Somehow I don't think he would be willing to do that.

I hope it all works out for you in the end OP

He's a manipulative parasite. If you stay with this creep you'll never be happy. He's telling you that in his email - and placing the blame firmly at your door.

Get rid of him before your DS starts to see this useless arsewipe as a role model. Urgh.

Ah I get it. So basically he's saying "Here's a shit sandwich Cat. That's all I'm going to give you because that's all you deserve whilst I deserve to live the life I want. Eat it or throw it, it's all the same to me".

What an awful man and what a way to live. I'm afraid if you stay it IS on you. Sorry.

So your DH doesn't even do the contact with nursery - you do that as well! You take him to nursery, go and do a full day's work, bring him home from nursery and then set to at home cooking a meal and doing the laundry.

Primary carer my arse.

How do you not stab him? That is actually a genuine question. I would be so consumed with fury that I think it would push me to violence.

If he wants to be at home - that's fine but it means he does the childcare (5 days a week, not 2) and runs the house, not sit on his arse playing computer games.

My BIL decided 10 years ago when his youngest was 1 that he would be a SAHM as his wife was a high earner. Not only did he look after both their children, he did everything domestically - cooking, cleaning, shopping, school runs, maintenance/DIY, organising birthdays/Christmas and trained as a childminder so he could also contribute financially - he is now fully booked with a waiting list and registered 'outstanding' by Ofsted. They did hire a cleaner a couple of years ago but otherwise he still does everything around the house.

It sounds like your DH wants to be an overgrown student, not a SAHD and responisble partner.

A translation of the email:

I am unhappy that you are unhappy.

Our relationship was great but then you wanted a baby and I gave in. It turns out that I think being a dad is great and you should be grateful for that but you're not.

Anyway in spite of the fact that I didn't want DS he makes me happy.

You had to go back early to a job you hate and while you will say that's my fault I think it's your problem. Why are you complaining? Your company isn't as bad as the one I worked for and anyway you can always find a new job.

I consider the fact that I look after ds two days a week a huge achievement. I know you expect more but looking after him is hard and you should be grateful that I manage to tidy up around him.

I refuse to get a job, I think looking afte DS two days a week is enough.

I will help you with housework. I won't take any responsibility for it though.

I know you want me to have friends but I have no intention of doing anything about it.

I know you are utterly exhausted and have too much responsibility but I don't want to do anything besides looking after DS two days a week. I didn't have a dad, remember? Think about that.

I know when you met me you thought I was great. I'm not. Tough luck.

That's the way things are. You can leave if you want. But remember, the decision will be on your head.

What do you call 'being very good with him'?
Does he do some crafts with him, does he bake, dies he play with him? How he does he encourage his social development? Dies he talk to him all the time?
Or do you mean he is feeding him, ensure he has a nap and take him outside for half an hour?

Seriously, if he really wanted to change, his email would have:

• examples of what he is intending to do, eg from now on I will do all the shopping and you will always find a nuce wRm meal waiting for you when you come back from work.
• examples on how he intend to make his ds the center if his world, eg from how on I will have ds everyday, start taking him to activities whilst I will also do a minimum of tidying up.
• the start if a discussion about work and income. There is no issue with him being a SAHP as such but it is an issue if he only does to be able to do fuck all rather than to be there for his ds. So a discussion on how he could bring done money home (such as cleaning toilets 3 days a week whilst he doesn't have his ds) is non negotiable.

But there was none of it there at all :(:(

Your confidence is shattered and it's this mans fault! He had no intention of making u feel better! Your much better than t his! U deserve much better than this and so does your son!!!

You and your son come first!

cat!! Wake up love !!!!

I haven't read your previous posts but just on the bearing of your first post I was gob smacked !

It's the most self indulgent email I've ever read !

He is not a fantastic dad and he is using his son as a get out clause for getting of his lazy fucking arse!

Why is your dc being fielded out when dh is available full time ? What will be his excuse when dc goes to school full time?

Basically he is saying I'm not changing , you can leave if you want, so fuck you!

cat I'm fuming on your behalf

Do you want your son growing up think that this is how grown men behave?

What a cunt!