How do I respond to this email from DH?

[catgirl1976]

DH and I have some problems. I think a few people on here might remember some of them and some of MN have the strong opinion that DH is not good for me.

However, I do love him. But I am exhausted and unhappy.

I tried to talk to him last night and this morning found the email below in my inbox.

I just don't know how to reply, or what I want. Well I do. I want things back the way they were and I want a partner.

Does anyone have any advice on how I should respond?

Hello Cat,

It guts me to see you so unhappy. It really wasn't the intention. You see there was a time when we had fun and I thought it rocked. So much so I didn't want anything to interrupt that. But you wanted a baby and reluctantly I acquiesced. Thank the stars I did. Look at DS! He is incredible and amazing.

That doesn't help you though. (Actually it should but lets move on from that).

You are right, I have changed. I have grown older, and also commercially very cynical. My entire life I have been looking for happiness, I have actually found it in our DS. I never expected this and certainly didn't ask for it, but he has had a profound effect on my outlook on life.

Its a crime that you were forced (in part by me I guess) back to work so early. I do agree you have drawn the shitty end of a long stick. The answer is simple, that being get a new job. However I fear you will be unhappy wherever you are. Certainly XX despite its shortcomings is far better than any company I have had the grace to work for. I also admit that's not saying much.

You are 100% Correct in that I could do more around the house. I hope you acknowledge the increased effort I have been putting into this. An example would be tidying up even though I have DS. Yes I could do more, but I am sure you can relate to the amount of demands he makes on one and given that its easy to procrastinate. However that said I will increase my productivity and I hope it makes life easier for you.

For me though the nub is that I feel as out of place as you do. I have said repeatedly that I would love to do your job, hell I have even advised you on it (Not that you really need it, you are more than competent, I was just trying to help). The fact of the matter is that at the ripe old age of forty I have no other trade than selling. Between you, me and the gatepost, I cannot and will not return to the environment that I used to inhabit. I cant. Call it burnt out, mid life crisis, or laziness. I simply cannot do that anymore. As I have stated, i would rather clean toilets.

Maybe I should clean toilets. It would be fairer of course to contribute financially. However the one thing that does bring me a modicum of prestige is DS. I have worked so hard (and enjoyed it, a luxury you don't have in your vocation) to help and develop him. I think I am just in being proud of my Son, regardless of bias.

You are right, I do need friends and interests outside this house. However in my experience the Muppets I worked with tended to be the opposite of my outlook in every way. A notable exception would be XX. That said I don't expect to find many “XX's” in any job I stand a snowballs chance of getting.

I can see how hard you are working and pushing yourself. Its obvious that the gas tank it empty and its not sustainable. I will do whatever I can to help, with recourse to the above. I cannot fix your career.

I cannot be the the dude you fell in love with either. I'm older, slower (still quick) and jaded. But the two aspects of my life where I raise a smile are (in order) TDS and you. You are exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally. Its not surprising give the amount of responsibility on your shoulders. It means everything to me to be able to help, but DS means everything to me too, and I want to have a real, fundamental impact on him and be the father I never had. In a nutshell that means forsaking everything for him.

I don't want to forsake you though. However if we are at the point where you simply don't see why you married me, or that dude that looked you up (and down) in halls then I get it. I am not a parasite and will bow out with as much honour as I can muster.

I love you and always will, but I cant stand seeing you this unhappy. I do believe we can grow from this position, however I respect your feelings too and If that isn't a decision you subscribe to I understand.

I Love you, and pray that is enough.

x

Aaaarghhhhh! Your threads always raise my blood pressure, catgirl1976, and that's because I feel soooo cross for you! I've read your other threads and it makes me feel v sad. You look absolutely lovely in your photos and really don't need to be with this waste of space of a "D"H. And breathe..... On a calmer note, I really can't see any change in his behaviour - his emails are all me, me, me, whiney and manipulative. Horrible. He is, categorically, not a fantastic father - not when he treats the mother of his DS like this. I know it seems so massive, but I really wish you could leave and get away from him, really I do.

Oh, catgirl. I've read various of your threads over time on MN.

Other than the fact you loved the man he used to be, I don't understand why you are still with him

You are practically a single parent now. How much different would life be if he moved out?

If I vanish off this thread for a while now, it's because I've got meetings all afternoon

I really, really appreciate all the support and advice

My cynical head say he is talking about the family finances because he wants something - and that if there are any economies to be suggested he will want you to make them...not him.

This smacks of passive aggressive control in a big way.

The sub text of his email was "lets work out how I can be happier, and your role in that". He also talks about what you are doing - but offers no suggestions to make this change and certainly no suggestions that mean he would have to do anything differently - except the toilet cleaning which is written in such a way as to invite you to respond "of course you don't need to...".

the bit that I find really galling and annoying is the bit that refers to "prestige". he seems to be saying: if I were to go out there and get a job, it would be a low status one, and I'm not doing that, but calling myself a SAHD is pretty cool as ds is a credit to us. and I deserve prestige.

that is so annoying on so many levels.

There is too much snidey sort of superiority in his tone. he is trying to sound nobly humble but it isn't coming off because he thinks he is better than most people.

I agree with the people who say you should cut him off. He isn't really even pretending to want to change.

OP, if he likes being a father so much, why does he only care for your son 2 days per week?

because he's rather play computer games. I think he only tells you what you want to hear. and it works - you mention how good a father he is.

cat , armadale is right.

When I read the second reply I thought it was very ambiguous. He is painting himself as a very integral part of the home almost for some one else to read.

He either thinks you are very pliant and is using his 'sales' bullshit on you
OR
He has seen this coming and placing him self in position.

I must say his replies were very well structured for some one with depression and no motivation.

I would be very careful cat. Go seek a solicitor as you could very well end up paying for him to be a SAHP and paying him CS

A real parent willingly sacrifices their own selfish goals, in order to provide the very best environment for their child to grow up in

^^^^^. Abso-fucking-lutley

I agree in your situation I'd insist that his being out of work was temporary and make other care arrangements. Really can't see what you are gaining, this sounds like a huge drain on your energy.

Cat I really, really think you have to stop trying to make this better, stop communicating about this by email and TAKE ARMDALE'S ADVICE.

I don't think you've seen the half of what he's capable of and I think he's playing cat and mouse with you. Please see a solicitor and don't for fucks sake tell him what you're doing.

If you took your DC out of nursery your 'DH' could look after him full time & the money saved spent on a cleaner. That's if you really see a future with this lazy, selfish arse because he's made it crystal clear he isn't going to get a job of do any more than a quick tidy

I read his email as a custody battle evidence email. He's staking his claim on how much he does for your DS AND maintenance from you.

Do not reply that he is a great father! He's not. He's shit. He hasn't worked for four years already while you run yourself into the ground. It's shocking. He basically retired at 36 without a pension and with you working and doing everything! There's no reason for him to go back to work. Life is great for him.

Get some serious legal advice.

Ok I don't know the history from previous postings but going on this post and the emails, well at least he's trying. I think he deserves a chance to change. But it's the op who is (sorry op) allowing and facilitating this behaviour so it is really both of them who need to change. And the depression is definitely a factor in some of his behaviour. So he deserves some slack for that.

I do hope you get the future yous all want and deserve op

JoinYourPlayfellows, I absolutely agree with you.

I think it might be better though if you PM the OP this idea and report your post for deletion so the idea isn't readable on this thread, just in case.

i'm hugely paranoid

quite are you serious ?

join I agree

Agree with Armadale and Join - I expect that it is a good thing for you that he does actually do so little childcare in the event of a custody battle, so don't rush to take ds out of nursery. (disclaimer: not qualified legal advice)

He seems like an 15 year old who wants his mum. You don't have a husband you have an annoying teenage son in a 40 yr old man's body.

What Thurlow says bears repeating: "You are practically a single parent now. How much different would life be if he moved out?"

What do you want your kids to learn, as you learned.

I agree he is being highly manipulative in advance of a contact fight and sponging of you forever. Get the thread deleted, PM people you trust.

Get in writing, from you to him, that he had just one obvious idea about cash spending, woopey doo; however you still actually do the main caring, virtually all the domestic work that your son relies on to live in a decent home, all the emotional housework, and all the earning.

And your partner plays games.

"You are practically a single parent now. How much different would life be if he moved out?"

This is a bit naive. What on earth makes you think this cocklodger will move out? He has his home, food, DS, hobbies, clothes etc funded by someone else. Why would he go?

Worse than that, with a good solicitor behind him he could make a case for being primary carer, because he has sole care two days a week and shared care two days a week, which is more than the OP. I would hope the OPs solicitor would counter with the fact that the OP deals with medical appointments, nursery, clothes shopping etc, but it wouldn't be a clear cut case of OP staying in the home with DS and the cocklodger moving out.

I don't say this to alarm the OP, and really hope it doesn't stop her from leaving him. There may be things the OP could do to make her the more obvious primary carer though, such as increase nursery/grandma days (inadvertantly giving cocklodger more idle time, but worth it in the end?), making sure clothing/medicine etc are bought on her account not a joint one, making sure she is primary contact for nursery/doctor/dentist etc.

I really feel for you OP. I hope you find a way to be happy with your DS without the extra baggage. Take care.

How long does a pattern have to be in place to be 'established' with regard to deciding residency and access? I would think now in term of shifting the pattern for the next 3/6 months so that a claim on his part to continue as full time SAHP can be challenged. More nursery days, more time with GPs, whatever. Agree with advice to delete thread and start again somewhere more secluded too. Good luck.

Having read about your parents and the fact that you still have a relationship with them my advice would be to completely ignore your h for now and get some counselling asap. Not as a couple, on your own.