How do I respond to this email from DH?

[catgirl1976]

DH and I have some problems. I think a few people on here might remember some of them and some of MN have the strong opinion that DH is not good for me.

However, I do love him. But I am exhausted and unhappy.

I tried to talk to him last night and this morning found the email below in my inbox.

I just don't know how to reply, or what I want. Well I do. I want things back the way they were and I want a partner.

Does anyone have any advice on how I should respond?

Hello Cat,

It guts me to see you so unhappy. It really wasn't the intention. You see there was a time when we had fun and I thought it rocked. So much so I didn't want anything to interrupt that. But you wanted a baby and reluctantly I acquiesced. Thank the stars I did. Look at DS! He is incredible and amazing.

That doesn't help you though. (Actually it should but lets move on from that).

You are right, I have changed. I have grown older, and also commercially very cynical. My entire life I have been looking for happiness, I have actually found it in our DS. I never expected this and certainly didn't ask for it, but he has had a profound effect on my outlook on life.

Its a crime that you were forced (in part by me I guess) back to work so early. I do agree you have drawn the shitty end of a long stick. The answer is simple, that being get a new job. However I fear you will be unhappy wherever you are. Certainly XX despite its shortcomings is far better than any company I have had the grace to work for. I also admit that's not saying much.

You are 100% Correct in that I could do more around the house. I hope you acknowledge the increased effort I have been putting into this. An example would be tidying up even though I have DS. Yes I could do more, but I am sure you can relate to the amount of demands he makes on one and given that its easy to procrastinate. However that said I will increase my productivity and I hope it makes life easier for you.

For me though the nub is that I feel as out of place as you do. I have said repeatedly that I would love to do your job, hell I have even advised you on it (Not that you really need it, you are more than competent, I was just trying to help). The fact of the matter is that at the ripe old age of forty I have no other trade than selling. Between you, me and the gatepost, I cannot and will not return to the environment that I used to inhabit. I cant. Call it burnt out, mid life crisis, or laziness. I simply cannot do that anymore. As I have stated, i would rather clean toilets.

Maybe I should clean toilets. It would be fairer of course to contribute financially. However the one thing that does bring me a modicum of prestige is DS. I have worked so hard (and enjoyed it, a luxury you don't have in your vocation) to help and develop him. I think I am just in being proud of my Son, regardless of bias.

You are right, I do need friends and interests outside this house. However in my experience the Muppets I worked with tended to be the opposite of my outlook in every way. A notable exception would be XX. That said I don't expect to find many “XX's” in any job I stand a snowballs chance of getting.

I can see how hard you are working and pushing yourself. Its obvious that the gas tank it empty and its not sustainable. I will do whatever I can to help, with recourse to the above. I cannot fix your career.

I cannot be the the dude you fell in love with either. I'm older, slower (still quick) and jaded. But the two aspects of my life where I raise a smile are (in order) TDS and you. You are exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally. Its not surprising give the amount of responsibility on your shoulders. It means everything to me to be able to help, but DS means everything to me too, and I want to have a real, fundamental impact on him and be the father I never had. In a nutshell that means forsaking everything for him.

I don't want to forsake you though. However if we are at the point where you simply don't see why you married me, or that dude that looked you up (and down) in halls then I get it. I am not a parasite and will bow out with as much honour as I can muster.

I love you and always will, but I cant stand seeing you this unhappy. I do believe we can grow from this position, however I respect your feelings too and If that isn't a decision you subscribe to I understand.

I Love you, and pray that is enough.

x

The bit about his initiative regarding the finances? Haven't read your history, but his emails make my skin crawl.

Throw him out, think of the savings not having to 'keep' this man-child.

I'm sorry OP. He sounds like very hard work & you deserve so much better.

Is there any way your DH could know you are posting here today Cat?

Does he always speak to you in such a patronising tone?

That last email especially is very condescending

Just from those emails I would say he sees himself as far superior to you and that really you should bask in the glory of his wonderfulness and stfu because you're clearly lucky to be with someone like him

It certainly doesn't sound like he has any interest in changing, and quite honestly why would he? He has everything arranged to suit him and the only downside is you occasionally having a moan at him but it seems like he can usually just get you to put up and shut up, so why would he put effort into changing when he's got things just how he wants them?

All guff. Smoke and mirrors. He's good though - note how he manages, despite not earning a single penny of them to take credit for improving the finances!!!

Gosh, if he wasn't about as dynamic as a bag of hamster shit you'd advise the guy to take up politics. But why am I laughing actually - a talent for this level of bullshitting is what's kept this guy in food, shelter and sex for years...

Catgirl, I could pull apart all the manipulative shift-the-blame, take-no-responsibility bollocks but I won't bother - it's the same guy, the same promises, the same email, you are WASTING TIME, MAKING YOURSELF ILL and letting your little DS grow up with the scraps - please just put your considerable intelligence and energies towards leaving him. You and your DS could have such, such, such a better life it's untrue.

Oh and he isn't the primary carer. Leave, take your DS and let him take it to court and explain why your son needed to go to childcare 2 days a week and to a relative one day a week if his father was a SAHD. And why if that was the case you were the one doing the mornings, the evenings, the baths. I think he'd be laughed out of the courtroom. Only he wouldn't pay the money to get there in the first place, so it's academic.

Did you yourself grow up within a relationship where one of your parents was passive aggressive and or tried to control the other?. What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?

Very much so.

DPs had a very turbulent relationship.

DM was very controlling of DF and us. She emotionally abused my DF. Sometimes physically, although never really hurt him but has hit him with hammers, chair legs etc in front of me as a child. DF also controlled my DM in other ways. He would accuse her of having affairs. A few years ago he set up a fake internet persona to try and "honey trap" her if you will. That's pretty typical behavior from him

DF was very volatile and if DM left, which she would do occasionally, DF would take me round to where ever she had gone and get me to go to the door crying saying "Please let my mummy come home"

Or as I go older, DF would threaten (and occasionally half heatedly attempt) suicide. It was always me he would ring to say he was going to do this. At work, at uni, where ever. He would ring me crying and sobbing needing my help often.

It was always me who was expected to "fix" them. As a couple or individually.

They both smashed up the house on frequent occasions. The police were often involved, even up to a few years ago.

DM is capable of not speaking to DF for weeks and weeks at a time and locking herself in 1 room for weeks and not coming out except to get food and use the loo.

This is just top of my head stuff, but I am fully aware of where me putting up with DH has come from.

CAT is there any way your DH could be aware you're posting here?

No. I don't think he would know I was posting here.

Have a look on the relationships board. There's a new thread.

Interestingly, my DSIS has responded to our childhood by not putting up with anything ever, which makes her very strong but still single at 36 as she literally doesn't compromise on anything and DBro has responded by working overseas :(

WFT? Oh fuck.

Erm, my husband works full time in a fairly high-pressure job and does more round the house than this guy does...
Admittedly I have some health issues which means though I'm home on ML it's essential DH does a lot, but even when we're both working high-pressure jobs he does all nursery runs, puts both children to bed, gets child number 1 up, bins, heavy work, some cooking, most night wakings (rare here). Baths are a joint enterprise.

I am currently at home on ML and am on crutches but I still manage to look after a small baby all day, do the shopping (on-line mainly), meal planning, 90% of the cooking, clearing away meals, the washing/drying/putting clothes away (up to 5 loads a day), tidying, preparing nursery bags, sorting medical appts etc, managing the household and calendar, buying, wrapping, thanking birthday presents, and get some limited free time for exercise classes etc. Luckily we can outsource almost all the cleaning and ironing. If we could not afford this help, and one person was healthy and at home, I would expect them to do about half this, depending on the exact circumstances.

His email sounds quite egotistical and manipulative. I don't know how you're putting up with it. You must be so exhausted.

Is it the "Where to start (my wife and I) thread?

I don't think that's him

The DCs ages are all wrong, but I am going back to re-read in case he has just changed a few details.

Or is it another thread?

Feeling sick now

I've read that thread.

I really don't think it's him

Thank god.

There is the use of the word 'dude' in that other thread but otherwise it doesn't really sound all that similar.

Thank goodness, I read it and worried about you. What a relief. And sorry for making you panic.

I did have to read it a couple of times, just in case, but I think there are too many differences

(2 DCs, different ages, the bit about them being virgins, him going to the gym, wife losing weight etc)

No - don't apologise - I was glad to check and be safe not sorry

Appreciate you alerting me x

Oh god cat, those are the roots of your problem now. Small wonder therefore that you went onto marry someone like your H although after a dysfunctional childhood with your toxic parents who both failed you and still do abjectly, a marriage to a man, no matter how unsuitable, would have been preferable to you. You learnt an awful lot of damaging stuff from your parents and that has been transferred into this relationship now.

Your H reads exactly like how a narcissist would behave. You cannot have a relationship with a narcissist, its just not possible. He expects you to "fix" him as well just as your parents did. You to him do not matter.

I sincerely hope that you do not have any sort of relationship with either parent now.

Also I note that your DH like them too have smashed household items on occasion. This is your childhood being repeated here in adult form.

If you are indeed aware, then you need to take firm and decisive steps now to extricate yourself from this non marriage to this man. He will not change, your parents never changed did they?. They just got older.

I do still have a relationship with both DPs.

Funnily enough they have changed, though I thought they never would.

DS seems to have had some profound effect on them, and since he was born they have hardly had a cross word

I just hope it stays that way

And you've just made me realise why I got married at 18!

(Not to current DH - that little mess lasted 6 months past the wedding).

I had never really made the (blindingly obvious) link before

If you won't walk away yet (and I do understand that that might take time to come to terms with), then do what he says. Call him out on this one.

Load Word, get one of the weekly calendar templates, write all of the chores in it. Everything he needs to do. Give it to him to stick above his computer.

Hey, if he needs encouragement, he could even get a sticker for every week he completes well.

It probably wouldn't hurt to turn the internet off while you were gone, either, or adjust the NAT settings so that he can't game online...

At least then he can fail openly, and stop wibbering on about how he wants to help, but he needs his hand held every step of the way...

Reading his last email - whilst he is finally acknowledging that things are hard for you, he isn't addressing the fact that he has spent the last 2+ years watching you exhaust yourself, become mentally and physically ill and hasn't lifted a finger to help. The first thread of yours that I read detailed how he had a massive go at you one night for not having sorted out dinner so having to stop for chips on your way home from work. Then you explained how you work ft, do all the housework and all the nights and mornings with your son. The fact that he allowed that to happen for all that time and made that your experience of motherhood is unforgivable and he isn't addressing any of that. He seems to be saying he has had a harder time than you and that simply isn't true. Even if he changes now, how will you get over the resentment and anger?

Oh, another one of your threads that stands out in my memory is when you were really I'll but couldn't take time off work (having used up your sick pay having a breakdown caused by his awful behaviour) and he wouldn't let you lie in and get the rest you desperately needed to get better. I have always wondered how he could live with himself watching you suffer like that and wonder if his move towards fixing things now is because he knows you might finally go and he will have to start looking after himself . Also, your son is at a less demanding age so if he starts pulling his weight it won't be as hard anyway.

I imagine to make it work he would have to be prostrate and begging for forgiveness but instead he seems determined to insist he has suffered as much as you. What's missing in all of his emails is a proper apology.

Well, I'll say again for a man crippled by depression he does seem to be able to motivate himself to reply to emails when they are in his interest in an alarmingly quick fashion.

Stop responding- this isn't actually a dialogue.

Put NOTHING in writing as you have no idea when/if it might reappear.

His bit about how he has taken pressure off you by arranging the finances means:

To you- that simply means he suggested taking a cash budget out per week

To a skilled solicitor- they could suggest from this wording that part of his portfolio of responsibility (which meant he could not re-enter the workplace) was to manage the families finances when you had failed to do so.

Be careful with this prince.

dear dh

get a job

nuff said imo