We All Make Mistakes

[MyMistake]

I have done something silly. Had an affair with a married guy (no DC's).

I should have known better. I did know better logically but let my heart take me into it somehow.

I have been on other side of something like this in the past so feel pretty knowledgeable on the subject. But I still did it.

And now I feel rubbish. I am in a position where I will see him about quite frequently and need to get over myself. He is a good person - appreciate that many will dispute this but I do believe this to be the case and this is really the reason that it ended. Need to get rapidly to the point where I can look back on it fondly and be peaceful - but right now I'm nowhere near there.

Posting for a shoulder and hopefully to remind others that however you feel an affair is generally never a good idea.

I was responding to a point by a poster who said that someone hurt could want to hurt. The point I was trying to make was that I didn't feel hurt and wanting to hurt.

Yes, that other poster was me and I was clarifying to you that you did choose to hurt.

If you say that you weren't hurting, fair enough but you knew that your actions would hurt another and you did it anyway. That is a clear choice, you cannot deny that.

It's certainly true that I knew my actions could hurt others. That is true of anyone having an affair me included.

I think it's fair to say there's a difference between motive and consequence. I would accept that you personally might have had no motive to hurt anyone else, but I think you've accepted that hurt was likely to be a consequence of your joint actions. I also think you were prepared for that hurt to get even worse for another person if it meant remaining in a relationship with this man and developing it further; a pleasure gain for you.

That's probably the area to tackle in your personality, looking also to see if there are any repetitions with other instances in your life when you've been willing to let others suffer a detriment if it meant a gain for you personally. The 'I Win-You Lose' dynamic of competitions.

Or alternatively, whether there might have been an internal rebellion going on that regardless of your marriage difficulties, you played it straight and received no reward for it, so why should you continue with taking the moral high ground? A kind of displaced and totally misdirected punishment?

I've seen a fair few posters on this board wax lyrical about how they are happier now that they are out of unsatisfactory marriages with unfaithful men, but have nevertheless gone on to be the OW in others' marriages- sometimes more than once. I often think those women are far from at peace with their marriages ending, otherwise they wouldn't be trying to re-enact drama triangles so frequently.

Interesting. I do think that I somehow accepted that hurt could be a consequence. Whilst at the same time being uncomfortable with the whole situation throughout. The more I think about it I believe that I got caught up in 'our connection' and the insanity bubble that others have mentioned and that his reassuring words kept me in it.

The 'internal rebellion' point re my marriage doesn't resonate.

I do think I am conscious of needing to put myself first nowadays. It's not so much to do with the marriage but to do with other family trauma that has happened previously and more recently where I have been advised to put myself first and focus on me rather than upsetting situation which I have unavoidably been in. I guess it is possible that that concept of putting myself first did have an impact here. I need to have a think about that.