We All Make Mistakes

[MyMistake]

I have done something silly. Had an affair with a married guy (no DC's).

I should have known better. I did know better logically but let my heart take me into it somehow.

I have been on other side of something like this in the past so feel pretty knowledgeable on the subject. But I still did it.

And now I feel rubbish. I am in a position where I will see him about quite frequently and need to get over myself. He is a good person - appreciate that many will dispute this but I do believe this to be the case and this is really the reason that it ended. Need to get rapidly to the point where I can look back on it fondly and be peaceful - but right now I'm nowhere near there.

Posting for a shoulder and hopefully to remind others that however you feel an affair is generally never a good idea.

I don't consider betrayal to be congruent with decent living and have not said that I do.

I wouldn't say that 'wise' people have affairs anymore than 'wise' people would walk across a busy road without looking. People often think that 'it will never happen to them' and perhaps people who have affairs fail to notice the signs at the start (when they would have control and could bring it to a halt), then because they've taken steps they shouldn't have - secure in the knowledge that 'it will never happen to them', they end up taking an irreparable step by which time it's too late as they're in too deep; enjoying the attention, still doggedly believing that 'getting caught will never happen to them'.

Many affairs are discovered, many are not - or not disclosed as discovered anyway.

I think arguing the point of whether affairs are 'mistakes' is semantics really; affairs are a by-product of lack of attention, craving something - newness or excitement or whatever.

I agree very much with Dahlen's affair-proofing post BUT in order to have that self-awareness, that drive to affair-proof yourself, you must have had experience somewhere along the line. In addition, people have different susceptibilities that could make them vulnerable.

As far as looking back on that time with 'fondness' goes, I can only relate to that in abstract. If you are in a relationship with somebody (clandestine or otherwise), you become close. Assuming that affairs are not just about sex (and I don't believe they are), you build a 'history' together, shared in-jokes, shared experiences, shared intimacies and talking. It isn't that difficult therefore to understand that when that relationship is suddenly ended, a person can experience grief and loss for it in the way that any other relationship would bring that about if the people concerned were close. In the same way that you can blot out the bad bits with the elapse of enough time, I'm sure you can look fondly at the bits that were good.

Whilst it may not be 'seemly' to grieve for a covert relationship or find happiness in remembering 'good times' in it, it would be foolish to dismiss feelings as invalid just because it's uncomfortable or acknowledge the basis for them.

A truth universally acknowledged... from a book. Books are black and white; people are not.

I just can't see how bad choices make somebody 'not decent'. Do we say this about our children who make the choices to take drugs? It hurts lots of people and supports and industry that we would rather not think about. Do we condemn those children as 'not decent'?

It really puzzles me how affairs seem to be the flashpoint for all evil. I've said many times that I'm no advocate for them and never will be. I acknowledge that they are harmful but lies, deceit, disrespect and lack of caring are often present in relationships where there is no cheating at all... Given that, I don't understand what it is about affairs that makes them so much worse.

It's interesting OP, how you describe yourself and your ex.

You just made 'a mistake'.

I regard it as a large error of judgement and a series of mistakes on my part. If that's wrong I don't understand that. I do not mean to trivialise it by describing it in that way.

Whereas he made 'poor choices'.

I regard him as a weak man who made poor choices.

It would be more honest to describe yourself as a weak woman who made poor choices. Calling it a series of mistakes is just an attempt to deny responsibility.

You didn't make mistakes, you made choices.

Because you refuse to acknowledge that, you also refuse to accept responsibility for the part you played in hurting another human.

You are too ashamed of yourself to even admit that you are ashamed of yourself. You are nowhere near coming to terms with this and are likely to do it again because you have learned nothing.

That all makes good sense to me. I can relate to all of it.

In particular I do think it will be much easier for me and actually MM too to 'affair proof' having had this experience. I am very aware now of the ways that something like this can happen and can see that one needs to be really careful.

To explain a little further, I have been asked out by a MM before as no doubt many have and have said no. And I have known of serial philanderers who 'stand out' as such and are obvious ones to avoid. In those situations sadly those MM are friends' or relations' H's. Unpleasant and obvious ones to avoid. This was different because I worked with the person on a project and necessarily got to know them as a result - and then friendly became more than friendly over time - I guess it was an emotional thing largely and that's where I am susceptible - foolishly I guess a sucker for a seemingly nice guy.

I don't understand how you can liken taking drugs to having an affair...

I think we are indeed looking at semantics here at time. I made mistakes, errors of judgement and poor choices. Certainly true. A weak woman? Maybe. In XH's case he has proved himself to be weak time and time again so somewhat different IMO but not the subject of this thread. I have mentioned him only really as my closest RL previous affair experience was living through his affair as his wife.

"You are too ashamed of yourself to even admit that you are ashamed of yourself. You are nowhere near coming to terms with this and are likely to do it again because you have learned nothing."

I have certainly not come to terms with it yet. It is too fresh and that is unrealistic. Do it again? no chance.

Lyingwitch yeah the grey, as though by acknowledging the grey we can ignore certain truths in life. Fraudulent people often inhabit the grey and dismiss those of us who live in the black and white as lacking in understanding or imagination. I can see. I understand. I just don't pretend it is something else. The drug analogy doesn't work really.

Again, OP, I have remembered something that a MN poster said to me when I was getting over my ex: that choosing someone unavailable suits us if we are afraid of commitment.

It took me a while to appreciate the wisdom of that, but it changed my life. At the time, I was all caught up in how much I wanted my ex, but I have had to face that I fear commitment. And THAT'S why I spent 20 years obsessing over unavailable men.

If you had a bad marriage, take some time out. Please read the book (daft title, I know, but it is so very useful). Don't go into another bad relationship. You are better than that. You sound intelligent, rational and humorous; I bet you're bloody great.

By the way, 'ex' doesn't refer to ex-DH.

What rainbow said ^

I have wondered about the fact that I have chosen someone available here too and about the significance of that (or not). I'm not convinced that it is significant in this instance to be honest. Certainly I am nervous of commitment; I know that to be true and I am very unsure about my ability to be happy in a long term relationship. I'm sure this is because I was very unhappy in my marriage and spent much of it in a daze to be honest.

I need to read the book sort myself out and certainly then work towards being with someone appropriate.

I think I need a sense of humour to post on this thread WiseFiver.

Of course, you may not be my emotional clone at all but ... dunno. It took me a while to get the commitment fear and it was certainly helped along by that book. I have a copy right here: if you want to DM me your address, I'll send it tomorrow. It is gold.

Or, you know, order it anonymously on Amazon. But I feel rather evangelical about it. You must have the book.

Thanks very much - I will do that.

I did not mean that I find the thread in any way 'funny' by the way when I made the humour comment. Just that I need to sometimes be able to smile at people's comments as both supportive and flaming / uncomfortable posts come in.

mammadiggingdeep... I meant about bad choices. We know some things are not good, we choose to do them anyway. I mentioned about our children taking drugs because we emote with those, not with affair partners. Even though I said 'children' these can be adult children so still aware of right and wrong, good choices and bad ones.

Re affairs being the flashpoint for all evil. Clearly they are awful things. But they do happen. And better surely to discuss why they happen and get an understanding than to pretend that they do not exist.

No, that still doesn't work...taking drugs is a bad choice, if course but you know that although you'll be hurting others as in they'll be disappointed, worried etc...you're not messing directly with their life in the same way. It isn't their health that will be directly affected, it's yours. By making the choice to get involved with a married person you're straight away involved in somebody else's marriage- it affects THEIR life, possibly their mental health, financial future, children's future, etc etc... The drug analogy just doesn't work here....I get where you're coming from on the choice thing though

Mmm, if I were you OP I wouldn't bother with all the navel gazing and analysis, does it really matter why you did it? As long as you have no intention of doing it again and as long as you actually DONT do it again then I don't see what the point is of spending time trying to find an excuse a reason why you did it this time.

Are you really going to feel better by rehashing this over and over? It sounds self indulgent to me. You screwed up, it's over, now its time to look forward and start afresh.

I don't always think that self analysis is a waste of time but I don't see that you are very objective about the situation so you might as well put it to one side.

I am posting because yes, it's important to me to understand why I did it. That will help me get over it and learn from it.

^And better surely to discuss why they happen and get an understanding than to pretend that they do not exist.

How can you get an understanding when you accept no responsibility, or show any remorse. Your lack of empathy is why it happened. It was a selfish act, pure and simple.

You know it's a very nasty thing to do to another woman. You just don't care enough to not do it. It really is that simple.

Mammadiggingdeep, I'm not great at explaining things; they're clear in my head but nowhere else. One of my colleagues lost her 22 year old son to drugs. It's destroyed her family. Obviously, when her son was dabbling and then fully into them, he made those choices, not thinking of the consequences because he was convinced he could handle it. Collateral damage of his family. That was my point of reference. Affair partners think they can handle it, won't get caught so nobody gets hurt... and more often than not they do hurt the people they were convinced they wouldn't.