We All Make Mistakes

[MyMistake]

I have done something silly. Had an affair with a married guy (no DC's).

I should have known better. I did know better logically but let my heart take me into it somehow.

I have been on other side of something like this in the past so feel pretty knowledgeable on the subject. But I still did it.

And now I feel rubbish. I am in a position where I will see him about quite frequently and need to get over myself. He is a good person - appreciate that many will dispute this but I do believe this to be the case and this is really the reason that it ended. Need to get rapidly to the point where I can look back on it fondly and be peaceful - but right now I'm nowhere near there.

Posting for a shoulder and hopefully to remind others that however you feel an affair is generally never a good idea.

Honeysweet - 'skolastica. Interesting posts.
But surely there are enough single men to get your needs met? Thus leaving the married ones out of it?'
For me, at the time I wasn't even looking - plus lived in a very remote place.

I detest liars. I give no truck to liars. A married man conducting an affair is a skilled, consummate and practiced liar and to to reciprocate would involve becoming one myself.

I think I am worth more than that.

I agree it's important to try and understand why people become 'others' or why people have affairs, but what I'm especially interested in as an objective (and analytical) observer is challenging the myths that surround these things.

For example, not all OW suffer from low-self esteem or have any more vulnerability than an average person. Affairs happen in good and satisfying marriages just as they happen in bad, dissatisfying ones. I'd prefer it if the conversation moved beyond 'types and cliches' and people thought a bit more laterally.

So are we saying OW aren't feminists?! Seems a bit of a leap to me.

See, these types of straw men that appear on threads like this really piss me off. Sorry, but they do.

What I'm saying is that my feminism has always been such a major part of my life that for me a lifelong belief in equality just couldn't be squared with deceiving a woman who mistakenly believed she was a fully equal partner in an egalitarian marriage. Even when young and single, the blokes who used to hit on me all had SAHP wives who had sacrificed their careers to look after Mr. Would-Be Shagger's kids. So yes, I saw the tremendous inequality in that situation. How could a feminist not?

Leavenheath - I'm not sure it's all luck Skolastica. Many people would look at my childhood and say I was far from 'lucky' for example.

Fair point. Who really knows what goes into the mix.

I will be back later when I have more time but in the meantime just to answer one question asked.

Yes he finished it. Yes I think I would have DTD had things not changed between us. But I am relieved that it is over. I am actually both sad and relieved.

Leavenheath - sorry if I irritated you.

I just don't think it's really about feminism per se. For example I' m not sure why it matters whether the wife is a SAHM or not. That does not change the rightness or wrongness of the situation, so to be honest, I do not understand how it's relevant. Or how feminism is anything to do with it. Its about morality not feminism.

However I will take my straw man and disappear now!

You don't have to disappear at all.

Feminism for me isn't the only deterrent to getting involved in another woman's relationship behind her back. I thought I'd explained that reasonably clearly above. My primary deterrent is me and being able to live with my own actions and beliefs about who I am.

But sexual politics have a huge impact on infidelity and the choices people make. They really do. At the most simplistic level as a means of illustration, it bemuses me how many OW try to out-sex men's wives and how many OM try to out-'care and share' women's husbands. All of that comes from socialisation based on sexual stereotyping.

You might ask why so many women believe unquestioningly a man who says "My wife doesn't like sex" or why so many men nod sagely when a woman says "My husband doesn't show emotions". The word unquestionably is relevant here because those things might be true about those individuals of course, but there are usually reasons and contexts to those admissions. But the reason there's a presumption of belief before questions are asked is because those pernicious sexual stereotypes persist despite any gains in bridging the equality gap.

I was interested in this thread partly because this bloke doesn't seem to have fallen back on those old stereotypes- and the OP doesn't seem to have needed to believe that her would-be lover was desperately unhappy with unmet needs, before allowing herself to get involved. Truth that confounds lazy stereotyping and beliefs about men and women in affairs interests me.

I think a loss of sense of self, or a desire to break free from a sense of self you're unhappy with, is one of the primary drivers in affairs. Emotional ones anyway. It's like trying on what might have been rather than the seeming inescapably of an unhappy what is.

Actually I think that when a person like this is hurting, they just want to hurt someone else. They don't care one jot for the collateral damage, the women and children whose lives are devastated. They want to hurt another human.

These are not accidental choices, they are taken with full knowledge and consent. Not many ow will admit to that.

There are some very bitter sounding women on this thread. I feel genuinely sad for people who choose to live their lives with such animosity and anger inside them.
I also find it very puzzling how anyone on here can presume to know how his "poor wife" would feel or what her emotional state is/would be. Nobody knows who she is or knows anything at all about her. She could also be having an affair for all anybody knows. (Cheats attract cheats?) or be a foul person. Well, don't let that stop us from raising her to equal status with Mother Theresa!

Cheats attract cheats?

What total bollocks.

What bollocks.

More straw men...

It wouldn't matter if a bloke's wife was Myra Hindley reincarnated as far as I'm concerned. I'm still not going there.

To answer a few points that have been raised.

I have been tested previously and never done this before. I never thought I would do something like this. Up until this happened I would have said I would never do it like many of you have for the same reasons.

I felt uncomfortable about him 'cheating' throughout. It always felt wrong. So why did I go along with it? I'm still trying to figure it out. Some thoughts... attraction, a feeling of being very wanted, a feeling that he was an exceptionally nice guy in a strange situation, a physical, emotional and intellectual connection... the fact that he was very kind and reassuring.

I wasn't on the rebound at the time this happened or looking for a relationship at that time.

What bad things did I feel during it? A sense of unease about his ability to cheat. A feeling of frustration that I was hidden away. An inability to task with him when I wanted to.

Talk not task.

To answer another point. I don't think I was hurting when this relationship started. And I didn't feel like I wanted to hurt another human. I was concerned about the situation but still had the affair despite that. To a certain extent I think I was a removed from reality to some extent because I knew nothing at all about his wife. Likewise our contact was primarily during his working hours and I think that this enabled him to compartmentalise relatively easily.

And yet, it didn't end until he dumped you ?

And you have admitted you would still be in it, and progressed to a sexual contact if he hadn't done that ?

You obviously saw the question mark Owl, before putting forward your well thought out reply

Yes

Wombat...

That's right, be side you have a strong opposing view you must be an angry, bitter woman.

You're not a man per chance??

No, i'm not a man. I am a married woman. I don't engage in affairs and I would be devastated if I discovered my husband was cheating on me. Reading this thread objectively, some posters sound extremely bitter. I have seen the damage caused by infidelity and would certainly never encourage it, but I don't believe we should, blame unknown people for the hurt and misery we may have witnessed from our friends/family or presume to know what the other person in the marriage might be thinking or feeling

don't let that stop us from raising her to equal status with Mother Theresa!

Why are you making things up? You're the only one that has mentioned saintly comparisons

And I didn't feel like I wanted to hurt another human. I was concerned about the situation but still had the affair despite that.

You did want to hurt another human because you considered it and decided to go ahead and do it.

Who's blaming the op/inknown people for hurt inflicted on family and friends??!!! You seem to have twisted things.

I've been cheated on, I've had friends that have been cheaters, I've got friends that have been ow, I've got friends whose lives have been shattered through infidelity...BUT and this is important, I know I would have held the same views if I this wasn't the case. My parents have been married for 40 plus years, my siblings haven't cheated, my parents bought is up with honesty and loyalty being a very strong virtue instilled in us. Loyalty is everything to me, I have a friendship groups spanning back to primary school. I just wouldn't want to be an ow/ cheater. It's nothing to do with being bitter or angry. I just have strong principles and stick to them. The op however is admitting the affair was wrong but confirms she would have dtd if he hasn't have stopped it. She's aware of her principles but was happy to throw them out the window for a man she was 'connected' to.

You obviously saw the question mark Owl, before putting forward your well thought out reply

Yes. You can tell by the fact that I included it in my quote. And your point is...?

Putting that forward as a hypothesis is a nice bit of victim blaming.

Re the comment on hurting earlier. I was responding to a point by a poster who said that someone hurt could want to hurt. The point I was trying to make was that I didn't feel hurt and wanting to hurt.

I couldnt care less why women have affairs or about any of the justification of it - which seems to mostly involve, bitching to other women about it but no doubt keeping their mouth zipped when men are present - particularly their own "1/2 a man" who theyre accepting crumbs from. Its bullshit that sets women back 100s of years, nothing to be proud of, & if being femininist or judgmental amounts to not wanting to lay on your back for a man who's made vows with another woman & is lying to her to get diversionary sex on the side...then Im staying in the feminist/judgmental camp.

Theres a comment Ive seen on these boards goes something like "Are we in the 1950s here?". Well yes, we must be if some women are promoting that if you dont see having a man as such a be all & end all that you'll sneak around with him on HIS timescale , then you must be bitter, or angry, or sad, etc. Ive yet to meet a woman who HASNT been approached by a MM - its not a rarity. I find it easy to say no, as Im not degrading myself like that & anyway, Im not a cheat. Not in my nature & I know Im not the only one who thinks like that. I still cant fathom why some women jump through hoops to justify, and then other women back them up. Oh sorry yes, I do...its easier than facing men, isnt it? Sad indictment of 'modern' times. Most OW start off ok on here then start ranting...& later on are probably all doe-eyed with the MM they need to keep interested. The OP hasnt ranted, I'll give her that. Its just all a bit too Mills & Boon for me when the reality is, she's just fallen for a MM who's now dumped her. The usual sordid stuff. Its just some of the replies (esp the 'hijacking thread' ones) that make me . Still, its a man's world so they say...thats certainly true.