We All Make Mistakes

[MyMistake]

I have done something silly. Had an affair with a married guy (no DC's).

I should have known better. I did know better logically but let my heart take me into it somehow.

I have been on other side of something like this in the past so feel pretty knowledgeable on the subject. But I still did it.

And now I feel rubbish. I am in a position where I will see him about quite frequently and need to get over myself. He is a good person - appreciate that many will dispute this but I do believe this to be the case and this is really the reason that it ended. Need to get rapidly to the point where I can look back on it fondly and be peaceful - but right now I'm nowhere near there.

Posting for a shoulder and hopefully to remind others that however you feel an affair is generally never a good idea.

Footie... Yes but you are NOT the OP and she DOES want to talk about it and get other viewpoints, not be told she'd be better of not posting. You wouldn't say that to another OP on any other subject, would you?

Thanks Lying. Yes I do want to talk about it.

The insanity bubble that someone upthread described does make one think that one can get away with it I think even though it's clear in one's head it's wrong.

And the secrecy of it all I think, the fact that it cannot be discussed with anyone, makes it very confusing. That certainly sent me a bit mad without a doubt. It's not an excuse but something that happened.

Lying. I agree that the OP is looking for other viewpoints....and I have given mine. I think the OP MAY be better off not trying to rehash this again and again and again. I think she MAY be better off caulking up to experience and moving on with life. She has asked how she can get past this relationship and I think forgetting about it might be a good way forward.
I may well say the same thing to other posters who are requesting advice if I thought it might be helpful. I don't ever assume to know what is best for someone as I can possibly have enough information but I try to post helpful suggestions.

Chalking not caulking

I don't think OP wants to get past this. I think she wants to keep talking about it because a) she is missing him and b) she can't talk to anyone in rl. One of the many downsides of having a secret relationship.

I also think OP would go back to him like a shot if he asked.

Forgetting about it is a very good way forward - I just need to find a way to do that.

Honestly - I can't ever see me doing this again. But I am weak where he is concerned; I fully admit that and need to not be. He won't come back though and however much I like him and feel sad about that in parallel I know wholeheartedly that it's good that it's ended. Carrying on would have created major heartache for all concerned.

Sometimes, Footie, it's not that easy to forget something or someone who had a huge impact on you. Other times, you can shrug it off very much more easily.

I don't know about you but I've had friends cry on my shoulder so much that I feared my clothes shrinking... rehashing the same thing again and again, perhaps it was cathartic for them? I don't know but I'm not the same.

I do know however that OW seeking support are very hard-pressed to find it, even amongst their friends. I'm not suggesting an OW-friendly chatboard but given that there are so many affairs going on at any one time and OW who need support too, or just a place to vent (which wronged wives can easily get anywhere), I can't just ignore somebody who asks. I have experience of this in that my closest friend had a long affair with a married man - and she fell apart at the end of it. It was hearbreaking to watch her falling off that page and whilst I'd never pat her and tell her that what she did was in any way fine, I can't write her off as vile, a shitbag, scum or any other unlovely term that would be flung at her.

I have spoken with a few people in RL about it. Not many. But I find opinions on MN very helpful as there is so much knowledge and experience here.

Look I think you're saying all the right things about you both being in the wrong, both being responsible and wanting to learn from it to avoid getting involved like this again, but what you're not addressing on here (whether you are internally I don't know) is that if he hadn't ended it, you would still be involved with him. You might even now, if he has yet another touch of the seconds.

Maybe you need to acknowledge that truth before you can find out why you could still make bad decisions if someone gave you the platform to.

A relative of mine - now in her 70s - had a lengthy affair with a married man. When I say lengthy, I mean VERY lengthy.

He never left his wife and she never left her parents' home. By the time she was 50, he had died and she had increasingly become a carer to her ailing father then, in turn, to her mother.

Last year she developed breast cancer and had a radical mastectomy. Because most people never knew about the affair people were dismissive of the effect it had on her. There was a tinge of 'why would an elderly virgin miss her breast' about the whole thing. It was awful.

Her life has been incredibly sad and her world incredibly small. When her MM died, it was like all her hope faded like a string of fairy lights popping out one by one. She has always been kind, compassionate but - above all - lonely.

When I think of her, I don't see a home-wrecking co-abuser with an agenda. I see an elderly lady who has not only loved and lost but who has felt no entitlement to sharing her feelings for fear of condemnation.

I'm sure no one knows better than her the devastation and heartache affairs lead to. I also think she is entitled to grieve not only for her lost love but for her optimism, youth and hope - all collateral damage in the battle to make memories she can never share with impunity.

You are well out of it OP. But that doesn't mean you can't mourn. Thank you for sharing your feelings. It has given me a renewed sense of perspective and helped me to relate the feelings of the person I know above to those I've been cuckolded by in the past.

That's true Leavenheath - I would still be involved with him if he hadn't ended it. But I am glad that he has despite still having feelings for him at the moment.

I completely acknowledge that I liked him and what I felt 'we' were although I also knew it was wrong. It made me happy and unhappy at the same time. Somehow I found him very caring and understanding and receptive to me and that's what appealed. Those positive thoughts somehow outweighed everything else.

That's a sad story Tinsel. It's awful to think of someone being in that situation for all of that time.

I always saw MM as a short term relationship; I had to and he had to for it to make sense to us I think. That may sound strange but it's how it was. Equally I can see how these things can take on a life of their own and how once 'in it' it's hard to get out.

Is there anything more to be said then? You are regretful the relationship has ended - not that you had an affair.

You are nothing more than a sum of the choices and decisions you make in life.

Take ownership. You want this guy and the fact he is married is inconsequential to your decision making. You acknowledge and consider all the various moral and ethical parts and you still choose a relationship with him.

But a mistake? You don't consider any of it a mistake. The only mistake, in your mind, is his breaking things off prematurely.

That's not true.

I'm sad that I'm not seeing MM more because I like him and miss him.

I'm glad it ended because it was an affair and wrong.

So if he came back and said 'I was a fool! We can do this!' you'd do and say what?

I have seen a lot of people who have been cheated on become cheaters .

I'd have to say no. I really would. I'd find that very hard because I like him. It's not something I've thought about much to be honest as it's not going to happen.

I really can't ever see me doing anything like this again with anyone else as I have said before. To me a big part of this was the specific circumstance in which we met and the specific connection. I have been approached before and rejected opportunities completely. I have actually just remembered the main previous approach I had. This was a time many years ago when I became over friendly with my boss and we became quite attached to each other. That was something that could have become a full blown affair for sure but I backed right off once I realised where it could go.

It makes me cringe when you use the words 'we' and 'us'...he is somebody else's husband, life partner, best friend. Your 'we' was a fantasy...their 'we' was the reality. I started off having very little sympathy for you but it has grown. I feel sad for you- I think you've been lied to and led on as much as his poor wife. I still think it was your choice and you don't sound very sincere in your regret. It's just you sound sad and a bit deluded- that makes me sad for you. What an utter waste of your time, energy and feelings. A cautionary tale I think.

It is a cautionary tale I think for sure. And that's one of the reasons for my OP. To show others who should know better, like me, than to get involved in something like this.

yy mammadiggingdeep

I think that we'll never know whether OP would be with him if she could; I think she probably would but realises that this isn't going to happen so is protecting herself by saying she wouldn't.

I don't think that 'life partner' or 'best' friend' comes into it though. If it did, HE wouldn't be doing this at all, no matter what the temptation or provocation. Sometimes the title of 'husband' or 'wife' is just that, a bestowed title that really doesn't mean a lot or confer the respect and ownership that people think it does, sadly.

OP... one foot in front of the other and keep going. Put this man out of your head, fill it with any other activity that will be beneficial to you. You must look into what happened to engage you in this affair in the first place to protect yourself from doing this again because you do sound very sad and deluded but mostly hurt and trying to manage your own pain, hence the lack of remorse. I understand.

I agree on the 'we' comments also actually. Much to learn from.

I do feel very uncomfortable about the situation I became involved in. I think perhaps that because I am not sounding that angry or upset it is not coming over that way. I think that's a personality thing possibly rather than it being really a lack of regret on my part.

Quite clearly the title 'wife' and 'husband' often means something to one spouse and not the other- just read the other threads :(

I feel a lot of remorse actually.

In terms of going back to him and my earlier comments ... I know that I couldn't and shouldn't go back to him. Logically it's obvious to me. I was being honest earlier in saying that I would however find it extremely difficult not to. It won't come up anyway. But I am thinking a lot about how I would stop myself in that theoretical scenario. I know it would be wrong to go back for the ultimate heartache it would cause all round and also because it is just 'wrong'.