We All Make Mistakes

[MyMistake]

I have done something silly. Had an affair with a married guy (no DC's).

I should have known better. I did know better logically but let my heart take me into it somehow.

I have been on other side of something like this in the past so feel pretty knowledgeable on the subject. But I still did it.

And now I feel rubbish. I am in a position where I will see him about quite frequently and need to get over myself. He is a good person - appreciate that many will dispute this but I do believe this to be the case and this is really the reason that it ended. Need to get rapidly to the point where I can look back on it fondly and be peaceful - but right now I'm nowhere near there.

Posting for a shoulder and hopefully to remind others that however you feel an affair is generally never a good idea.

OP... alas, it's not going to teach anybody anything. This thread is really only for you. The next potential affair partner who may be lurking will be unaffected by what you have posted because there really haven't been any consequences other than the fact that you're feeling sad that it's over.

I think the 'we' and 'us' is very telling because that is your perception of your relationship as it was... and nobody is going to persuade you otherwise on that because it's part of the reason that the affair happened and continued for the time it did. To remove those terms of 'togetherness' would invalidate it, wouldn't it? I don't think you're ready for that yet, to have your affair (which meant a lot to you), dissembled into stark little bits of not-much-at-all.

I'm sorry for you because I think there is still a strong delusion and a little bit of the 'if only the stars would have aligned' in your posts. I also think that you're very readily accepting the flaming because to do so, prevents worse, more vitriolic flaming, and this enables you to continue posting about this man and the relationship you had. You're entitled to do that, of course, this board is for everybody but I think that a period of introspection - as well as venting as a salve for you - would be helpful.

Affairs are not ok. They're really not. No excuses, not ever. It won't stop people having them but they should own their behaviour more honestly.

... and if you REALLY want to make this a cautionary tale then post about how you felt in your darkest moments of rejection, realisation that the man you loved (and you do) was never going to be with you, the excuses you made for that and the lies you told to yourself that he felt the same, the fact that you have no control over your feelings for him, for the clock you can't turn back with a 'reset', can't ever restore his feelings for you to a time before the affair when they were genuine and harmless... post about that and it will be worth reading. People will identify with that pain, will understand better perhaps, and, if anything was ever going to dissuade somebody from an affair, those would be the words to make them think about it very, very seriously whilst they still have control.

I have noticed that your answers are very quick.
Would you say that you dont do a lot of thinking through generally in your life?

All your posts come across quite trite. Not having much depth to them.
It is like as though your skip over things so that they cant hurt you as much?

I tend to be overly analytical and introspective to be honest.

My posts might seem a bit short as I have been busy at work and am currently on a long car journey.

I am going to try to go into more depth and answer some of the points raised later once work is sorted.

When I became single in my mid-thirties, a married man appeared in my life quite unexpectedly. I had NO boundaries and overwhelming unmet needs. It was very unbalancing whilst I was already unbalanced and it's easy to see how and why I found myself deeply involved so quickly. For five years, before I found the strength to extricate myself

I think that many recently single women are vulnerable in this way - I do wish that I'd had more understanding women around me at the time.

I'm now single again, having recently ended a seven year relationship. I know that if the same were to happen again, I wouldn't be ensnared by a similar situation. It's about being older and wiser, knowing yourself better and knowing more about what you want.

There's a lot of moral judgement on here - too much in my opinion. You have to be put to the test to really really know what you will do. It's easy to say 'no' to a creep of a man, especially when everything in your world is as you want it to be, but less easy when your world is a bit empty and you find common ground and a shared view of the world with someone who really shouldn't be making himself available to you. I suspect that those of you who stand in judgement have never really been tested.

Further to my last post, OP, I think that you've shown great strength in not DTD and in leaving it behind. Well done and keep strong.

Skolastica, how do you mean you had unmet needs? What do you mean by that?

I agree that if you are in a vulnerable place it's easier to to get yourself into this sort of stupid situation, even if you absolutely know it's wrong.

People have affairs for all kinds of reasons, some perhaps even justified. I think you've seen it for what it is and want to move on. I hope his wife didn't get hurt and that he can either put it behind him and never do it again or break up with his wife and find what it is he's actually looking for.

Skolastica, how do you mean you had unmet needs? What do you mean by that?

a need for affection, a need to be heard, a need to be listened to, a need for a friendly ear, a need for validation, a need for sex, a need to share...

Maybe using the term 'unmet needs' is 'personal development' speak, or even 'psychology speak' but I think that it's reasonable to say that beneath any 'deviant' behaviour (please interpret that loosely) there is an unmet need and that the best way to stop the behaviour is to find a socially aceptable way to get that need met.

Being a sidepiece shag for a married man isn't a consideration or possibility for me, not only on a moral basis but simply as I wouldn't be comfortable with the sneakiness & lying it involves - that's not my style - & I don't like the thought of possibly colluding in causing emotional distress to another woman. I'm no stronger than any other woman who has principles. & I don't see having a man as such an absolute life essential that I'd accept crumbs, then look askance at women who say 'no thanks, that sort of thing's not for me'. Just shows hpw far women have not advanced in this world, when not messing with married men/not joining in congratulatory backslapping of women who've done it & appear with a Mills & Boon sounding story when their episode has ended, is seen as being judgmental. People can do what they like within reason and as long as its legal. Which is cool. But there are bigger and better things I'd admire a woman for than being a sidepiece & she or MM calling it a day on what was a fallacy anyway. Too many other very sad stories on this relationships board for OW sagas to move me in any particular way.

Hi, OP,

He has effectively walked away as actually we had a crunch moment where he realised that DTD would have taken us too far - a kind of moment of no return

So, was it him that decided to end it? Would you have dtd with him?

Well I have to say I have been put to the test several times, both as a single and married woman. Which along with what friends and relatives have told me about their own indiscretions is probably why I understand how people like this bloke can get involved despite having a good marriage and also why the OP just can't rationalise all these frothing posts about him being a creep or a shitbag, anymore than she can rationalise posts that write her off as a person because of what's happened.

When I analyse why I have never got involved with married blokes, the common denominator that completely transcends all variables such as the relationship I was in at the time, age, circumstances, self-esteem etc. was me and the relationship I have with myself. It would just never have been acceptable or bearable to me to collude in another woman's pain or misery, or to enable someone else in lies and deceit. I agree when people say affairs are selfish borne out of selfishness that's already there, but for me, not getting involved in someone else's relationship is also selfish in its own way. No way would I allow a relationship to let me lose my own sense of self. That cost would be far too great.

Good post, Leavenheath.

OP, if MM did walk away from you, do you not feel bitter.

It seems to me (and I could be wrong) that if he had not put the breaks on, you might have been happy for it to go further.

I personally feel that you have been used

No way would I allow a relationship to let me lose my own sense of self. That cost would be far too great.

Leavenheath - that's pretty much exactly the case for me too. People are often asked the question "if you could have a really fabulous affair and be guaranteed that you would not be found out, would you?"

I would still answer no because I would know, and I know that the dislike of myself I would feel due to betraying my self-view would be far harder to live with than giving up that fabulous affair.

FWIW, I have never cheated on anyone, nor been cheated on (to my knowledge, anyway), but I have had the opportunity and I have seen the fallout in others' relationships, which is why I've thought about it so much.

Leavenheath ' No way would I allow a relationship to let me lose my own sense of self. That cost would be far too great.'

Very valid - it's where I am now, but I wasn't 14 years ago. Having a strong sense of self is all important, but wouldn't you agree that not everyone is lucky enough to have it. And I mean lucky - some people are brought up in environments which destroy their sense of self, or else they are never allowed to develop it.

Very presumptuous of you skolastika.

I've been out to the test- both in a relationship (could've been cheater) and as a single woman. I'll say it again: it's a choice and I sincerely believe a persons principles should be enough to make you walk away- however tempted.

Skol, I agree with all you say. I think a loss of sense of self, or a desire to break free from a sense of self you're unhappy with, is one of the primary drivers in affairs. Emotional ones anyway. It's like trying on what might have been rather than the seeming inescapably of an unhappy what is.

How real that makes those emotions or interactions, I don't know...

Mamma - it certainly is a choice and one that probably can never end well for anyone, least of all the deceived person.

However, I think Skol was examining why some may make that choice rather than justifying the behaviour.

I think that's important in helping people make better choices - or meet their needs in more positive ways - in future.

When I found out about my exes affairs, I came up with every excuse in the book for him: crap childhood, crap relationships, etc.

What it boiled down to was he did it because he wanted to and thought he would never get found out. If he had rode off into the sunset with anyone of these 'women', I would have felt less hurt. But, no, they were all either in long-term relationships or married.

That said to me all I needed to know. He wanted them for sex. And they probably wanted him for a bit of escapism. For some people, the sneaking about it almost as fun as the deed itself.

It is all very sordid

Levenhealth/Dahlen, I think what you've said is very pertinent and the right way to think about things.

But I still can totally relate to what Scolastica is saying. If you are in a vulnerable place, if you are lonely, if your self worth has taken a blow because of a bad break up or something of that nature then it could be all too easy to get involved in this sort of situation. I am not saying it's right, but it does happen (seemingly all too often from these boards) and it's important to try and understand why, is it not, rather than just writing off the OW as a 'bad person'? (I'm not saying you were doing that Levenhealth/Dahlen but a lot of people on here basically are.)

Also I don't think there is any congratulatory backslapping of the OP going on, some people are just empathising, is all.

skolastica. Interesting posts.
But surely there are enough single men to get your needs met? Thus leaving the married ones out of it?

I'm not sure it's all luck Skolastica. Many people would look at my childhood and say I was far from 'lucky' for example.

I'm fairly certain that one of my constant drivers was feminism and the friendships I've made with women. Even as a skint teenager trying to find my place in the world and when feeling far from certain about who I was or my value as a worthwhile person, if a married bloke tried to get too close, even then I was able to identify with his wife.

So are we saying OW aren't feminists?! Seems a bit of a leap to me.

I suspect that those of you who stand in judgement have never really been tested.

and you would be wrong