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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he threw hot chocolate in my face

308 replies

bloodynora · 02/02/2014 10:49

This morning my partner lost his temper with me and threw a (paper) cup of hot chocolate at my face across the table. It hit me on the side of the head

The hot chocolate was lukewarm.

I am in shock. I actually have no idea what to do

OP posts:
Pickofthedocs · 03/02/2014 15:02

Nora, you have absolutely no need to feel ashamed. The vast majority I people would support you and give that git a piece of their minds. Please get some real life help either professional or personal.

DontmindifIdo · 03/02/2014 15:02

You won't be the one feeling shame you know, it'll be him. He diserves to feel shame, it is right that he doesn't get to invent a lie to make the end your fault (beyond pretending it's over because you put dry cat food on one of his mum's plates, that will just make him look crazy).

But you don't need to make it totally public, just one person and ask them to keep it to themselves, just someone you don't need to pretend to.

You haven't got your happily ever after, if you end this relationship you still might never get it but you might. If you stay with him, even if to the rest of the world it'll look like you have your happily ever after, you'll know you don't. Do you really care more about what outsiders think than being happy and safe?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/02/2014 15:08

Around 1 in 4 women will experience violence in their lifetime.

There is no shame on your part in making this public. Where are the consequences for his actions from you otherwise if you did not report this?. If he has struck one of your children you would not give this a second thought let alone chance would you?.

I think he has continued to skew your relationship boundaries along similar lines to your ex. He was also abusive, this man you have been with is the same really. You really need Womens Aid and their Freedom Programme along with the police now.

The shame is all his and his alone to carry. He though, feels no shame, any real remorse nor responsibility for his actions.

Not making this public will be a huge error of judgment on your part, he knows that you are dithering and will just bide his time until the next time.

EirikurNoromaour · 03/02/2014 15:10

Maybe it was supposed to be a happy ending but it is not one. Tell, don't tell - either way this relationship is destroyed. You know that. Fuck what anyone else thinks. You cannot stay with him to save face.

oldgrandmama · 03/02/2014 15:14

Thrown a beaker of hot chocolate in your face ... OK, it was lukewarm, big deal. Do you think he stopped, before throwing, to think 'Oh, it's OK, it's not hot ...' No, of course he didn't. Thank God it WAS lukewarm and not scalding hot. Next time it may well be. And he might aim it at you or your children.

No brainer, really. Don't let him stay in your life, please.

Holdthepage · 03/02/2014 15:15

The worry for you OP is the trivial thing that set this incident off. What would he have done if you had broken the saucer?

The fact that he has nowhere to go is not your problem, it is his & one he should have thought of before he lost his temper.

Start by telling him you both need some space & he needs to leave immediately while you think about whether you have a future together.

glasgowsteven · 03/02/2014 15:22

I worry this thread will have a more unhappy ending......

OP please contact the police now...they will arrest him, he will prob even admit it as he wont see anything wrong with what he has done

tribpot · 03/02/2014 15:32

I don't think I can bear the shame of making this public

He's counting on that, bloodynora. The silence helps him, not you.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 03/02/2014 15:34

He does have somewhere to go.

He's a solvent adult. He can go to a hotel or b&b while he looks for a place to rent. Or he can go to parents or friends while he does the same.

The people who REALLY have nowhere to go are your children. At the moment they are living with a man who can be violent with little warning. You are in charge of who they live with. They depend on you for a safe environment, and have no alternative choice to what you decide.

Put them before him.

You DON'T have to make this public in order to get the help you need to get him out. Please please please call the non-emergency number and TALK to someone there. Ask their advice. They will be able to help you get him out of YOUR home without fuss, without violence - and keep you safe. The equivalent of you being able to hiss in his ear: 'Get out, NOW. Go quietly with these lovely people before I expose you for what you are, to everyone.'

And I would think that unless he is a very stupid person, he will go, tail between legs, and leave you alone.

Right now he is working his socks off to gain sympathy. Nowhere to go. Hang dog looks. Staying out of your way. It's all as CALCULATED as it can possibly be. He's not sorry, however.

You need to hear that repeated: HE'S NOT SORRY.

That translates as he thinks what happened is ok. So if you do not get him out and end this situation NOW, very soon you will find yourself back here. Maybe describing how one of your children saw him pushing you. Or worse.

You really really need to find a way to step up and protect them and get him out of the house. Please call the police.

msrisotto · 03/02/2014 15:47

Oh Nora, i'm so sorry that this is happening to you. And I'm really angry that he hasn't left yet. He doesn't seem to care that he threw an object at your face. It will only get worse unfortunately. Tacit acceptance of being treated like this, the bar will be set for the 'norm' and his behaviour will escalate and escalate. :(

Can you call the police and ask them to remove him before it gets any worse?

hedidit · 03/02/2014 15:54

i doubt doing what I would do will lead to any good. I would pour hot chocolate over all his clothes and bin bag the up and have them delivered to his best mates house with a note saying he will be along shortly and to get the spare room ready. Then text him you have changed the locks.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/02/2014 15:55

I am sorry but lightning does strike twice, and assuming he knows about your previous abusive partner, this has got to be where you take the upper hand now, or he will play on your fears.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 03/02/2014 15:59

What if the hot chocolate had indeed been hot?

EITHER he was so out of control that he would have thrown it at you even if it was boiling hot, leaving you potentially badly burned and possibly scarred.

OR - he would not have thrown it at you if it was scalding which means he actually made a conscious decision and choice to throw it on you.

Either way, it was reprehensible and inexcusable behaviour and his choice to behave the way he is now behaving is also inexcusable.

Joysmum · 03/02/2014 16:02

You need to be a lioness for the sake of your kids. Get this man out of your children's lives ASAP.

livingzuid · 03/02/2014 16:04

Dear lord he tries to excuse the inexcusable by something as lame as using a saucer for cat food? Oh op please find the strength to boot him out. Your dcs need protecting from this man. You hold all the cards not him. Thinking of you Thanks

qazxc · 03/02/2014 16:19

Of course you feel the way you do OP, I did too. abuse does not start with a slap (or a cup of hot chocolate), he has been manipulating and conditioning you long before this.
You have nothing to feel ashamed about and if you can't bear to tell someone you know please get in contact or look up advice from Woman's Aid.

Original poster
bloodynora · 03/02/2014 16:25

he says he did not mean to hit me with the cup. I find that difficult to believe since I was about 2 foot away from him. He says he lost his temper because I was "going on and on". He says that what he did was 'pathetic and childish'. If someone did that to his (adult) daughter he would go mad. I think it made him think a bit when I pointed that out to him - that why was his DD important enough that to throw hot chocolate in her face would be terrible, but I was not that important. I am someones daughter too - though my father is dead

I did break the plate. I threw the cat food into the garden after he made his ridiculous accusation and then chucked the plate into the sink (where it broke)

He has gone now, temporarily, I feel scared that it is really over and so anxious and fragile. Thank you for being there

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/02/2014 16:28

While he's out of earshot, please phone someone you know and tell them.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 03/02/2014 16:28

Aw Bloodynora You have done the right thing. I know it's hard but you are doing your best to safeguard yourself and your kids. Stay strong.

msrisotto · 03/02/2014 16:29

I know it is scary, but the reality is that the idea you had in your head of your future together is gone, whether you stay together or not. If you stay together, the violence will get worse and worse and if he goes, you will have the chance to find someone who wouldn't dream of hurting you. He needs to go permanently.

wontletmesignin · 03/02/2014 16:34

Omg he is still blaming you for his behaviour. You did not make him throw the cup by going on and on.

What a plank. Dont let him back in, whatever you do. Well done for standning your ground. Stay strong!

expatinscotland · 03/02/2014 16:37

He needs to go for good, because your KIDS are in danger as there is an abusive man in their home. Put his stuff in bags, put them out and call the cops. He is only saying this because his little gravy train is about to come to a halt.

ouryve · 03/02/2014 16:44

There is no shame for you in making this public. He's the one who should be afraid to show his face. He's the one who has plenty to fear from other's reactions. Yeah, there's the slight matter of kicking yourself with the embarrassment of putting up with/overlooking the behaviour leading to the hot chocolate incident. There is no shame in being unprepared to stay with an aggressive, abusive bully of a partner, though. Having the inner strength to banish such a lowlife from your life and your children's lives is something to be immensely proud of. It's one of those situations where you have every reason to hold your head up high because you've done the right thing.

Logg1e · 03/02/2014 16:45

I share the same concern glasgowsteve

OP please, please believe that the danger is real. Of course he will seem caring and plausible. Abusers don't go around looking like abusers and behaving aggressive 100% of the time, it'd be easy to spot them if they did and they wouldn't be out there abusing.

ouryve · 03/02/2014 16:53

While he's gone, pack up all of his belongings. Every last thing. Let him know they're in the shed, which you will leave unlocked for him.

And change the locks. It does need to be for good. You've not had a single word of apology and he's put an awful lot of effort into minimising.