Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

[JonesTheSteam]

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

Yes, keeping it from the DCs. They think I have a stomach bug.

Went for a walk today and then to a friend's for a cuppa. He has been through something similar was helpful and non-judgemental as he doesn't know DH very well.

He was also able to offer some advice on going to Relate...

That all sounds very positive. I had a good experience with relate.

Hope you slept well and have a distracting day at work today.

Thanks livingzuid.

Am terrified of what today will bring.

DH is going to tell the OW face to face that it is over and that he loves me and wants to make it work with me.

I have to try to believe that even though his behaviour of late has been reprehensible, cowardly and weak, he will find the strength to do this.

I feel like throwing up.

Have barely slept again.

Spent much of the night in tears.

Just a word of warning re relate. A lot of the counsellors' training in infidelity is very out of date. Also joint counselling isn't recommended while its still early days - much more useful later on should you both have relationship issues to deal with. It does not mean individual counselling isn't useful at this stage though.

Have been following your thread. Sorry you didn't sleep well.

Please recognise how early this is. Unfortunately, your h put you on this roller coaster ride. Take each day as it comes.

With regards to being worried about him contacting her- the only way you can deal with this and stay sane is to realise that if he's going to contact her you cannot control it. It is his choice. You have to let him make that choice. If he does he'll do so knowing what it means. It's out of your control. That's the shitty part about working it through with him. You'll go mad if you agonise about what he's up to though so there's no choice but to 'trust' him (of sorts).

I know it will be a shitty day for you Jones. At least it will be done by tonight and then you can both concentrate on what to do next. Hopefully work will help distract you a little. Take care of yourself.

Hi Jones. I hope you've got through the day okay? Just wanted to add to the list of 'others that have been through the same'. There are too many of us. I found out about my DH's affair 4 months ago, when OW's husband phoned me at work to tell me about it.

We are trying to make things work - like you, I didn't want to chuck him out. I needed answers and details and endless discussion. He has been remorseful, broken it off straight away, etc. We went through the hysterical bonding bit, and are probably moving into the 'cold light of day' bit now. It has been the worst few months of my life, but I feel we are coming out of it stronger...we had a good and close relationship up until that point, like you, I don't want to throw it away. But it's not easy sometimes when I think about the risks he took and disregard he showed for me and our children. I just want to offer support really - there is a comfort in knowing you're not alone in experiencing this.

You sound strong and clear thinking to me. Good luck x

If you would have asked me, which was easier when a spouse cheated -staying or leaving - before I had ever heard of mumsnet, I would have said staying no hesitation. After reading these threads for over 3 years now, I would say leaving is the easier of the two.

I couldn't stay, but I have an slight admiration for those that try to work it out. Not because I think they are doing the right thing, but because it is a long, hard, unknown road, that I just couldn't face putting myself through. nor could I trust myself not to clonk the bastard over the head with a blunt instrument I'd also never be able to get past the fact that he isn't worthy of me anymore.

I hope he turns out to be one of good ones Jones

one of the good ones

Hi OP. I just wanted to join and offer support. I was in a similar position to you 4 years ago & chose to stay and work it out. For similar reasons - I'm not a black and white person (I can't bring myself to use the phrase 'shades of grey' anymore), we'd been together for a long time before hand and although awful what happened didn't wipe out all the good things that had happened before. Then again, I have friends who have cheated & I accept that good people can behave really badly - so for me it seemed logical to extend the same to my DH.

That doesn't mean to say it was easy or that we swept what happened under the carpet. I resisted (boy was it hard) sleeping with him during the hysterical bonding phase as I knew it would make me feel worse. We basically unpicked our entire relationship & there were things we both needed to change. That does not mean he ever ONCE blamed me for his behaviour, he didn't, but there were changes I wanted to make to protect our relationship from problems in the future.

I have a clearer idea of what I mean by trust in a relationship, and for me the most important thing is that I trust WHO he is. I actually can understand how he did what he did, under our circumstances at the time, and I accept it. I know that we've both learned from the experience, that we handle problems differently & I do trust him to be faithful.

But I did think on a number of occasions it would have been easier to leave, I would probably have been happier more quickly but the bottom line is I did what felt right for ME. It was at least a year before I stopped being angry or hurt on a regular basis. I don't remember when I made the decision to stay permanently, but I know for a long time we were just taking it a day at a time, which is what I needed.

Just wanted to wish you all the best.

I wish you all the best. Just because he's ended it with OW, please don't feel like you need to keep him. I'm not meaning to suggest that you do feel like that, but I'm just trying to say that you get to decide whether he's in your life or not. It's not him choosing who out of you and OW to stay with and because he's chosen you then that's that. It's your choice, and you don't need to decide straight away.

I'm another one who would deter you from going to Relate or going for couples counselling at all, at this early stage.

You are still in a state of shock.

I hope your husband communicates the right message to the OW. Not just the words he uses, but that how he looks and sounds is congruent with those words.

I'd also advise you to be a little more circumspect about your husband's apparent remorse and sorrow.

I agree that it's a normal human experience for him not to have understood the true enormity of his actions until he'd seen the effect of them on you. This must not be discounted or trivialised. We have no trouble understanding this concept when it applies to criminals feeling extra remorse when they see the impact on their victims and their families and this is no different.

However it is also normal at this stage for your husband to regret you finding out about the affair - both for his own sake and yours.

It would be revealing for you to find out how much he regretted what he'd done and how much guilt he felt the day before discovery. If you have any correspondence written by him just before discovery that supports anything he is saying about feeling remorse before being found out, so much the better and therefore more likely it is that his remorse is completely genuine.

If you don't or if he has deleted it, I hope he is honest about this aspect. I also hope that you have enough additional evidence than just his word for it. For example, if he was trying to cool things off with the OW, you would expect to find fewer texts and phone calls to her on his bill.

I know that I have been advised not to go to counselling over my dads death til it's been 6 months...
And what you are going through is a type of bereavement after all. You are mourning the life you thought you had, and the future you looked forwRd to.
So perhaps the same idea applies?

Yes I think it does apply Badvoc. Bereavement evokes a huge range of responses that although might differ from person to person, are normal and not unusual or unhelpful. They need to be experienced and not averted.

There are similarities with this experience (having been through both bereavement and infidelity) but one of the biggest reasons why for me, counselling would have been unproductive at this juncture was my internalised 'story of the affair' was so different in the initial weeks after discovery, to what it became a few months later and what it is now.

Likewise my husband.

I think my own therapist would have challenged sufficiently to help me re-write a more truthful and accurate version of events, but we would then have had less time to focus on the really helpful therapeutic issues.

"DH is going to tell the OW face to face that it is over and that he loves me and wants to make it work with me."

You make it sound like a competition, with him the prize. And you sound rather appreciative of him ending it face to face, what a gent, eh?

He should be telling her their relationship is over because it's based on lies and it's morally reprehensible. Instead he's been rumbled and he must end it.

Does her husband know?

devil's advocate here, but how can you be sure what he will tell her?

He might just say they need to lie low a bit until you have calmed down.

Or he might say that though he truly deeply loves her, he is choosing to stay with you for the sake of his kids, thus keeping her interest in him alive.

How can you trust him, after all?

Why the need to tell her to her face? Why does she deserve this special attention? A phone call would do? And then you could listen in (after al, he has nothing to hide?)

sorry, but this may not be as good as you think.

You are still very trusting.

Sorry to be harsh. I worry about people who are too trusting.

Been there done that, still together ten years on.

I think men are either serial adulterers or one-off-ers, my 'current'OH is the latter, previous OH was the former and he had to go.

I still love OH2, we did separate for quite a few months but missed each other hugely. That break however was really needed, to clear thoughts and head. I stayed in the house for children and work and schools, while he moved away for work. We joined him the following year. We are still together, we still love each other, he has been perfection itself ever since but it is hard, so very hard, because you cannot keep bringing it up, you have to force yourself to move on and not refer to it. As he said, 'I made a huge mistake and cannot live with being reminded of it every day by you, I am very much aware of it all by myself'. It's probably a bit like waking up every day and being told you are fat.

So only stay with him if you think you are tough enough. Most women find it easier to just walk away. My OH is lovely, it was completely out of character, everyone who knew us was astonished but although we are happy, I no longer take him for granted and was very suspicious for at least four years after we got back together.

My MiL going for him and telling me to clap his willy between two bricks was a great boost, too.

I'm uncomfortable with women believing they must assume responsibility for their husband's/partner's fidelity.

Fiscal

I don't know any of those things. But I'm not so bloody naive I don't know any of them may be true.

Why don't you carry on pointing out the blindingly obvious and making me feel just great for handling it my way...

TheBeautiful Visit.

Where have I accepted responsibility?

Actually I don't really care if you think I have or not.

I know damn well I haven't...

And...some men actually stay faithful, whether married or not.

Jones remember it is your life and your marriage. It is still very, very early days. One day at a time is your mantra. No decisions need to be made until you are good and ready. There is no rush.

it is not me making you feel bad, it is your DH.

You are misdirecting your anger.

I am worried for you, genuinely sorry if it came across as having a go.

Please just don't believe everything he says.

Sorry but I think Fiscal was just giving you an honest opinion, and not trying to upset you at all.