Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

[JonesTheSteam]

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

When all this has settled and you read this thread back, I promise you op you'll see fiscal's post (and others) in another light. Nobody on here wants to upset you.

I agree jan45...

I do remember being really angry with my sister when she said that he only wanted me to go back to him because I was such a good wife and made life so much easier for him. Well, it worked both ways! Plus of course the children were devastated. I thought it was worth a go, and it has worked. So far...

We have now been together for 20 years, minus nine months, is the way I look at it. Ten blissful years, nine months of hell, four years of adjustment. The last six years have been calm and lovely.

But my God it's hard...

I sympathize op , have been in your shoes .

I think it quite possible to recover from things like this , but it takes a lot . Other posters are right when they say there is a typical script to these things , I think it would be really helpful for you to read / learn about that script . A good site is talk about marriage which has a section specifically about infidelity and how to cope with it . If you read that site you will note the similarities in each story . Cheaters are so predictable they all make the same daft statements.

From my experience , and everything I have ever read it is extremely rare for a cheater to come completely clean straight away , if ever . I believe the percentage Is around one per cent , and everybody wants to think their
Spouse is that one per cent. They're not . It is also highly unlikely any protection was used .

The cheater is sneaky after being busted, sometimes you have to be equally sneaky , there are ways to verify what they are saying .everything must come out as if details come out later it will take you back to square one .

In your shoes I don't think I would believe it had only happened twice , did you see the emails ? I also think telling her face to face was hurtfull and disrespectful to you , why was there any need for further contact ?

I personally would contact the ow spouse , although I know this isn't a popular opinion . Ow will be too focused on saving her own marriage and will throw your h under the bus . You need to burst their bubble .

You're using more posts on this thread to defend yourself to other posters than to discussing your true feelings and using the thread for what was presumably its intended purpose. A few of us have written what are hopefully some supportive advice, but you aren't really interacting with those very much.

I think, maybe, that Jones is misunderstanding - understandable in all the pain and devastation - those whom she believes are telling her to leave.
What many of us are saying is not that she should leave; it is that there is no way she is anywhere near being able to think about whether to stay or leave - let alone take that decision.
Time (a lot of time) and a sense of self worth are the keys.

How do you feel about the face to face explanation he intends to give her for him ending their affair?
Would you feel more reassured to listen to him tell her over a phonecall that you can witness?
I hope you able to eventually move on from this if that is what you want. I also agree that counselling may help I have been down that route myself. However a period of time between the 'catching him out' and beginning the counselling journey could be helpful.
Very difficult time for you and your dc....thinking of you.

I would like to point out that I have been in work, trying to teach 12 different groups of children, in a school with no WiFi. I'm trying to read this on a phone screen. :-/

The posters who I mentioned personally jumped out at me as attacking my decisions. I'm sorry if I have misunderstood.

I AM feeling defensive and like I'm having to justify my decisions.

When posters who have started threads saying they've kicked out cheating DHs they don't seem to have every bloody thing they do and post questioned... :-/

There is no way I'm feeling defensive of my twat of a husband. Right at this moment I don't ever want to see him again.

Just defensive of my actions... Funnily enough I am not an expert at this... I am making it up as I go along doing what I see fit for us to move forward in whatever direction that may take.

There is not a single opinion on this thread that I have read that also isn't in my head already.

Of course I may be too trusting, naive stupid. And DH may well be telling me what he thinks I want to hear.

I asked him to tell the OW face to face so she knew it was over and that the email he sent was the truth, not just something he did to placate me. He was unable to contact her at home as he deleted every available means of contacting her. He is not allowed mobile phones in his place of work. He is only able to use his desk phone so I wouldn't have been able to listen in. I am not allowed on site.

If I post any details about why mobile phones / I am not allowed at his place of work I will out his company and possibly both of us.

He may well have told her what she wants to hear as well. He may well just be telling her to lie low etc. etc.

It may be proven that I am a complete mug later on.

I am doing what I think is best to try and save our marriage. That, at the moment is what I want to do. It may change

There is no one size fits all scenario.... Or one way to deal with this. Everyone is different. Every situation is unique.

For those posters who are questioning his story that it has only been the two occasions... Those are the only two occasions DH has been out of the house on his own, unless you count shopping or going for a run.

Receipts don't lie. And neither does the run tracker app on his phone / fbook.

The OW lives nowhere near us. He'd either have to be the world's fastest runner or a very quick shopper to do a 40 mile round trip to shag her and then return home.

I do not trust him. I won't for a long time.

I have worried myself sick all day that it is just going to continue. Of course I have.

I don't need to be told time and again that it may continue and he continue to be a cheating arsehole.

I started this thread for hand holding and support.

Some posters have given it. Others just think they have.

I won't be returning.

And just to clarify. I also have not stated anywhere that we would get couples counselling immediately..

Just that I'd spoken to a friend who had gone through Relate and it is something we will do at some point.

FGS, no offence OP but honestly not one person has posted a reply that would be deemed as a personal attack on you.

I think this just goes to show you really are not ready for opinions on your situation, good or bad.

So why don't you ignore observations that don't apply (e.g. they must have met more than once) or deal with them, move on and interact with what's helpful?

The OW isn't party to your private conversations and you aren't party to hers with your husband. The only person common to both those relationships is your husband. And given he's already demonstrated his capacity for lying and cheating, I would caution against depending entirely on what he tells you. I suspect he could be telling the OW something far from the entire truth also. Didn't he tell you he didn't love you any more or didn't know if he loved you any more? Is that still true? Was that true then? Why was he saying that? Did he plan to leave you at that point? I think you need to get to the truth because it sounds as though he's minimising his involvement. And you seem quite satisfied with his minimising as though you don't really want to face all the things that are wrong.

I think you have to talk. Then talks some more. Then some more. You both have to be entirely honest. You can't just go back to the way things were because that place has gone.

As I said, re read this thread in a few weeks and I bet you'll view the posts differently.

Such a shame you feel unable to continue posting as there is so much support and wisdom...even if you feel some aren't helpful now I promise you you'll feel differently very day for months to come, maybe you'll be ready to engage with some of the opinions you're not ready to now. I really don't think anybody was wishing anything other than the best for you. When MN posters read a thread like this they actually hurt for you...just because their viewpoint differs from yours/other posters you shouldn't feel annoyed with them. They're just giving a different viewpoint.

Re the how does he have time to shag OW question.

Its amazing how deceitful they can be e,g many now use their working days to conduct affairs via afternoons/days off work, fake seminars/courses etc.

I am not satisfied with his minimising.

We have done nothing but talk and talk.

I have no idea if he's telling the other woman what he wants to hear.

The last post is a prime example of telling me what I already know could be the case. How is that remotely supportive.

Please credit me with some intelligence.

I feel awful enough without everyone weighing in telling me the obvious..

I am asking for support in the way I am tackling the situation... Why is that so unacceptable to some people...?

People tell you what you consider to be the obvious because they've been through it and got 'caught out' by not being suspicious enough.

I truly believe that nobody is seeking to make you feel worse.

OP, I can see how hurt you are

I can see you closing ranks with the person who deceived you

If you carry on like this in RL, pushing away those who are trying to help you even if it is hard to hear, the only person you will be able to lean on is him (the one looking least like he has your best interests at heart right now)

That is a very unhealthy situation to be in

Well they've succeeded.

Every time I open this thread it is like ripping open a wound.

I couldn't feel worse.

I feel sad, scared, permanently sick, bloody furious, tired; I feel so much hatred for Dh I didn't think it was possible. My whole world has been ripped apart and it feels like some posters just want to make me feel worse. They may not want to but that is how it feels to me...

Every time I think of what he has done its like a blow to my stomach.

I want to call her every vile name under the sun. But ultimately this is all down to him and his inability to keep it in his f-ing trousers.

I have spent all day in a crappy school just waiting for the final bell. I cried all the way home... I cried in front of a colleague who is lovely but I barely know her. I have eaten nothing apart from a banana today. I have lost 6lbs since Friday.

I feel physically drained and weak.

I can't think straight.

I don't need to be told every possible scenario.

They are already in my head...

Not one person I have spoken to in RL has regaled me with tales of how I'm deceiving myself, fooling myself. Of how stupid, naive and weak I'm being.

They have listened and listened and supported me.

They may think I'm a complete part but heigh ho.

And how I'm closing ranks with DH?

F-ing stroll on.

If I could wipe him off the face of the sodding earth right now I would, as long as I could have my three amazing children...

I think you're doing brilliantly Jones - amazed that you're still at work, although I appreciate you'd probably feel you were letting others down if you didn't go.

I'm sorry that so many MNers have had such crap experiences, but you know your DH, and you will work through this and find the right way for you and your family.

Wishing you strength.

You would likely have felt like that even if you hadn't started a thread on Mumsnet. It's a bit rich asking for hand holding then slapping people down for holding your hand in the wrong way.

And btw my comment about being uncomfortable with women assuming repsonsibility for their men's fidelity was in response to another poster, madeofkent, who said:

"We are still together, we still love each other, he has been perfection itself ever since but it is hard, so very hard, because you cannot keep bringing it up, you have to force yourself to move on and not refer to it. As he said, 'I made a huge mistake and cannot live with being reminded of it every day by you, I am very much aware of it all by myself'."

I dislike the idea of the injured party contorting themselves to accommodate the cheat, assuming responsibility for ensuring it is always cleanly swept under the carpet. I didn't say you did that.

De-lurking to say this:

I didn't come here after discovery. If I had posters would have said the same to me. I told no-one except one very close friend and it was never spoken about again. At the time it felt like a fight for survival but one in which I was the only one on my side as it turned out.

Jones, I can well imagine what it's like right now. The thread is like a mirror of what is happening in your life and it ain't pretty. There's so much at stake, you question what's real and what's downright duplicity, the anger and dismay just eats at you and you feel compelled to make the bastard SEE what he's done and repent.

For me, I regret not posting on MN and using the collective voices of people who'd been there, those who could support me and who would have held that mirror up for me to see. Maybe your ending will be better than mine, I hope so.

Good luck and please take care of yourself.

The way you're feeling is very natural but really, if the thoughts are in your head why is it inconceivable that posters on here would say it? Not to hurt you but because they're important points to be made.

In my experience, people in rl weren't as honest and as blunt as people in here but I needed to hear it to be honest- there is no making this situation any better. I wish I could magic it all away for you I really do.

Please, just take an hour at a time and please look after yourself

Ps- I also work in schools...very hard to put a front in. Be kind to yourself- can you call in sick tomo??