Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

[JonesTheSteam]

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

forevermore I know a couple who were in the same situation as OP and her DH.

The husband in this couple might have carried on for longer had he not been found out, but when he was found out, it was then that he realised how much shit and hurt he was causing/had caused.

Sometimes it's only when the shit hits the fan that some men/women take stock and realise that they do not want to lose their wives, only see their DCs at the weekend, and that they truly love their wives and regret their actions.

Until that point, some cheating spouses (men & women) are in denial about the damage they are doing.

The plus side is no appetite and 3lbs lost since Friday...

Sorry that was flippant.

YOu're allowed to be flippant, Jones!

The only thing he 'loved' about her was that she was an easy lay I would imagine OP. I am sure he didn't mean to blow your life apart.

You know him best, I am sure you can work through it and if you choose to split in the end it won't be because you didn't try.

I suppose I will have doubts for a long time (if not forever) whether it would have continued had I not discovered the emails.

DH says that he was already pulling back from it. I believe him when he says that. But he hates confrontation and cowardly thought if he avoided her she would lose interest.

I guess I will never know for certain.

But I do know that since the shit hit the fan he knows exactly what he has to lose and what hurt he has caused.

And to the poster who says don't make any big decisions I won't be. It may that in a few days I'll realise I need space and he will have to go elsewhere. That's not my feeling at present. I'm just trying to go where my emotions are taking me, wherever that may be...

You are being very brave and only you know what's right for you. Some people can forgive and work through it and others couldn't. There's no right or wrong here for your actions, just overwhelming hurt whilst you try and make some sense of it all. It will take time to process the information you've had and will probably continue to receive.

And hey its your thread you can be flippant!

How are you feeling this morning did you manage to sleep a bit?

It will probably take a few weeks for the shock to wear off and you are thinking straight anyway.

And I know that being cowardly isn't very admirable.

I would never have said he was cowardly before this.

I love the fact that he is not confrontational on the whole. He balances me out as I have inherited my dad's quick temper.

I also think over the years he has mellowed me out a little and I have made him a bit more feisty and argumentative. Neither of those things are bad in my opinion.

I genuinely believe that since Christmas he has been the ostrich with his head in the sand hoping it would all go away.

Again. Not admirable. But before all this happened I would have said he had many other qualities I admire and love.

livingzuid

I did manage more sleep last night, thanks. Awake again early though and more talking. More questions in my head I wanted answers to. And then more anger. Both from me and DH. All directed at him...

Neither DH or I are eating much.

I made a cup of tea at 7.30 am. DH couldn't keep it down.

I have had two pieces of toast, a banana, a quarter of a slice of pizza the kids didn't finish and endless cups of tea since yesterday morning...

So he dumped the "I'm not sure if I love you" line before Christmas, which probably left you scrambling trying to 'fix' things, while he was having sex with another woman. Now that you have found out about his secret liaisons he suddenly "really does love you and wants to make it work".

The truth is; he would never had told you what was going on had you not found out. The truth is; the "I'm not sure if I love you" line was an excuse so he could distance himself from you so he could enjoy his secret liaisons without the guilt. The truth is; this isn't out of character for him, it's just a side of his character you hadn't witnessed before.

You have just boarded the post discovery roller coaster, what you feel now is not what your gonna feel tomorrow, let alone in the next hour.

It sounds like the "I'm not sure if I love you" line before Christmas has more affect than you realise. Then the origin of the uncertainty was unknown but that threat now has a name and body parts and you may be avoiding searching questions in an attempt not to drive him away.

Despite what he's done you're not suddenly going stop loving him or loose the urge to stop protecting him and his reputation. However, don't let friends or family thinking less of him be a barrier to getting support, he is responsible for his reputation, not you.

His remorse and devastation at what he has done could be genuine but you can't be sure of that, the presumptions of truthfulness when it comes to this man has now been suspended.

Why is him not going out a sign of his determination for not letting this happen again, does he really need to do this to stop himself falling into random vaginas? Why is him temporarily leaving not on the table? Are you afraid that he would view this as just cause to sleep with other women, if it is, then despite what you say deep down you don't trust him.

Right now you're desperate to relegate his infidelity to some kind of abhoration. Naturally he is more than willing to go along with this because it has less impact on himself.

You don't have to LTB but if you really want to save your marriage than honesty is required on both sides. If the cost of saving your marriage is a life of living in denial then that is a high price.

Isetan

There is no denial on either side.

You don't know me or DH.

I haven't made any big decisions.

I have said time and time again my fundamental feeling is that I want to save the marriage.

DH appears to be on the same page.

Time will tell...

I was hoping to use this thread as support but I am now sick of defending my actions so far...

And your second paragraph is a conclusion we have already arrived at re DH's actions. So that is not something I haven't already considered.

i agree that there is a distinct lack of facing up to the facts going on ( from what i read obv i dont know the OP)
she is trying to brush under the carpet as midlife madness and keep this MAJOR affair ( 5 m is long to me) as a blip
I dont think you necc need to LTB at all, but stop protecting him

I think OP needs a little time to think things through and just needs support for now. I am pretty sure that one by one all of these thoughts are going through her mind without any coaching from anyone else. Can't we just support her whilst she needs it? The rest will come later I am sure.

The "I'm not sure if I love you" could have been him wondering how he could do what he has done to someone he loves...we don't know.

Please continue to post Jones, if any of it helps?

FFS... I am facing up to the facts.

It is 5 months. It's awful. I'm not stupid.

If you knew the pain I am in you would not be saying I am making light of this.

Just because I am not knee-jerk pushing DH out of the door does not mean I am writing this off as something inconsequential...

It is not what I want to do. I don't believe it is right for us.

Neither is telling my close family because if we do get through this I would like us all to remain welcome at my parents' house...

If you just want to post on here to make snide comments about the way I am handling it, go right ahead.

It is only 3 days since my life as I knew it imploded.

Thanks to everyone who has offered support and posted great advice without judging and sniping.

I am not sure I will be coming back to this thread...

Buzzardbird

Thank you.

And your second paragraph is again spot on....

You are protecting him by not telling people.
But it's your choice.
I really hope things work out for you op, but be aware the odds are not good.
It is laudable of you to want to save the marriage.
You are becoming defensive and angry at those who are pointing out the - frankly - obvious.
He didn't confess.
If you hadn't found evidence this wild still be going on.
He isn't sorry, he is sorry he was found out.
He is panicking like mad now as he realises the mess he is in.
See how many of those statements are about him? :(
Also....if this was your child and their spouse had done this, wouldn't you want to know so you could help and support them?
Good luck op x

I am sorry this is happening to you on here where you came for support. I got the same unhelpful comments on my thread (under a different name) a few weeks ago. I am still not thinking straight and every thought under the sun goes through my mind daily. I am very 'self aware' as you seem to be and I am going to make my decisions when I am good and ready and not before. Knee jerking is not helpful or a good idea.

Take your time Jones, as long as you feel you need.

Support is here when you need it, just ignore what you are not ready to hear.

Badvoc

He is sorry for what he has done.

Buzzardbird you have been great. Thank you...

And I am protecting him by not telling everyone.

What help is everyone in my close circle vilifying him... :-/

He has enough of that from me and himself...

It is what he deserves.

You are entitled to your opinion.

I am entitled to mine...

Good luck op

Jones
You have to do what you feel in your heart is right for you and your family. Your feelings over this may very well change back and forth over the coming days and weeks. But NO-ONE else knows your relationship - you're a sensible, intelligent woman, and eventually you will find your path through the hurt.
LTB doesn't take much effort to type - and is really not much help.
Take time to breathe and take one step at a time.
I hope that your DH appreciates - and proves that he is worth - the faith you are showing in him.