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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

752 replies

JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 01:21

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

OP posts:
livingzuid · 12/03/2014 16:18

Oh Jones, sorry it was hard today. Do you have a session tonight with the counsellor?

You are perfectly entitled to vent. Every new piece of info is opening the wound again.

JonesTheSteam · 12/03/2014 16:27

DH did tonight but it has been cancelled as our counsellor is unwell.

It's not even as if it was a huge new piece of info. It was tiny in the grand scheme of things. Miniscule! It makes no difference to what has happened. It just reopens the wound slightly.

OP posts:
tessa6 · 12/03/2014 17:04

Of course it does, that's natural. Your immediate emotional response is perfectly valid, as is your more considered, intellectual one after a bit of time has passed.

Consider having the counseling session yourselves? Maybe sit down (WITHOUT alcohol) and try and address things for an hour. Or maybe some people find a really useful thing is to write each other long emails, and very slowly engage in a written communication that allows a more considered, safer place to express feelings.

JonesTheSteam · 12/03/2014 18:17

DH came home early as I was feeling very distressed. We have had a chat.

To be honest I am sick to death of talking about it.

I miss just being able to talk about mundane crap.

Feeling so sad...Sad

OP posts:
tessa6 · 12/03/2014 18:24

i'm sorry, jones. It's horrible, isn't it. Ugggh.

Can you ring a friend or go for a drink with someone you can talk mundane crap with? Have a laugh at the weekend or something?

lazarusb · 12/03/2014 21:18

I think you need to try and get away, even for a couple of hours as tessa says. Go out with a friend and have a rule that you can talk about anything but this - politics, weather, books - anything. Sometimes your own head can drive you mad.

JonesTheSteam · 12/03/2014 22:51

Well he's left.

I asked him to leave as he still isn't sure he loves me. He loves me as a friend and the mother of his children. Not sure about the love and romance bit.

OP posts:
JonesTheSteam · 12/03/2014 22:59

Feeling weirdly calm... :-/

OP posts:
Logg1e · 12/03/2014 23:03

I think that this is the best thing, it feels as though all of this time has been like hell.

Nobody can say you haven't tried, least of all you.

Logg1e · 12/03/2014 23:04

I think that this is the best thing, it feels as though all of this time has been like hell.

Nobody can say you haven't tried, least of all you.

badbaldingballerina123 · 12/03/2014 23:05

Aw jones , I really feel for you.

badbaldingballerina123 · 12/03/2014 23:12

I think that when they say stupid shit about not loving you , what they mean is so and so made my heart go fast and I felt like a teenager , and I'm now questioning if I'm in love with you , because they are comparing a stupid dopamine fuelled crush , which isn't real , to a long term mature love.

Something similar was said to me after a partner had a very brief encounter with someone he had only just met. Sometimes they'll say it before they've even cheated because someone's caught their eye and flattered them.

Bogeyface · 12/03/2014 23:12

And know you find out if you still love the him he is or the him you thought he was.

Good luck, take care x

JonesTheSteam · 12/03/2014 23:13

I love him so much.

He just can't see that what we has was really special before all this.

Maybe this will be the wake up call he needs but I think I've done the right thing. And I'm going to live my life and concentrate on my happiness and the kids.

What will be will be.

Not waiting around for him to decide what he wants...

OP posts:
CurtWild · 12/03/2014 23:17

I've lurked on your thread jones and I'm so sorry. Sending you strength and a ((hug)) x

tessa6 · 12/03/2014 23:51

Jones, I'm so sorry. But I have so much respect for you and I offer huge support. This is exactly the right and only response to what you've been told. It is clear and it is firm. And this sort of loss and detachment is the only way that happiness, in whatever form will be found down the line.

Many many congratulations, however strange that sounds. This is the beginning of something, not an end. This will be a hell of a ride but it is SO much better than sitting at home, fretting, fearing, wondering what he's doing at work. (Not that I'm saying you were).

The adrenaline will see you through a short while, then terror and despair might creep in. Soon hopefully rage too.

Please come here for support and please please find and share with real life people who you can trust. They will be invaluable and you MUST find people to support and share with you who are not him. Otherwise in your bleakest moments you are going to confuse loneliness, shock and grief for missing him.

You can not do anything more except detach at this point. Trust me, please. If you find yourself negotiating, begging or doubting, be aware that he expects you to do that. That he has had two women loving him for months now and eve after leaving, he will still then have two women loving him. He loses nothing. You need to let go. Even if you two were to make it work it would come through you first letting go. I believe this.

I am so sorry for the horror and pain. We are here. You will be okay, I promise. It is honestly better things happen this way. Please also be aware that it is not to be assumed he is always telling the truth. Massive hugs.

JonesTheSteam · 13/03/2014 00:25

Already feeling the terror... Sad

OP posts:
tessa6 · 13/03/2014 00:31

Don't worry, it's okay. You just need to ride this out. Nothing worse is going to happen to you that what already happened. You are perfectly safe. Try and eat something and get some sleep. The panic is a natural response to anxiety. But you need to focus on you being okay and just be utterly kind to yourself. Whatever happens now will be right and you can't control it. There's a really good book called When Things Fall Apart that's worth ordering online now. I know it's horrible. you'll be okay.

Logg1e · 13/03/2014 07:01

Tessa what form will form does this "huge support" take that you are offering to OP?

Pimpf · 13/03/2014 07:33

Jones, please remember, it's only been a month since you found about all this, do what you need to do to get through each day. It will get easier whatever the outcome and I hate saying this, but its going to take time.

lazarusb · 13/03/2014 08:16

Just wanted to quickly send you my best. You have a clear decision and the responsibility to live life for you and the children is your main priority now. He will come to a decision in time but don't sit around waiting for him to suddenly change, you are so much better than that.

livingzuid · 13/03/2014 08:23

jones I just read this on the bus and swore loudly Blush

You are so brave. Many women would have kept him at home trying to persuade him otherwise. The distance will give you space to think about what you want and deserve from life. This is hard to believe but it is a good thing.

Time to focus on you. Do you have a friend you can meet to discuss this all with and decompress? Plan something fun with dcs? Holiday?

So, so sorry Thanks

noddyholder · 13/03/2014 08:39

You are doing the right thing I hope everything goes your way and you find peace for yourself for a while now.

themaltesefalcon · 13/03/2014 13:50

So sorry, Jones. But you did the only possible thing you could. There are limits to what a decent, honest person can stand.

Jan45 · 13/03/2014 13:57

Have read your thread but not had much input, I think it's the best thing tbh, he can't keep you in limbo like this, it's not working out just now so a bit space between you in this instance, is a good thing.

You will be alright I'm sure, you both have to be committed to making it work, doesn't sound like he is, let him go off and work out what he wants, you in the meantime, can do the same, without being reminded every day about what he has done.

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