lazarusb.
I emailed him to say I'd come home and why. He replied that he was sorry and hated that I was worrying so much about this bit of it. And that he loves me.
When he came home he said that he hadn't seen her at all.
But at some point this week he will have to go to the area she works in and that he may see her then. He has promised to let me know in advance before he goes and that he won't talk to her unless he has to and that it will just be professional.
He showed me on Google Earth where his office is and where she works and they are literally miles apart.
He is a decent man. This is so out of character for him that everyone I know has expressed shock at what he has done. I'm struggling to see the 'decency' some of the time when I think of what he has done. But then I'm also having difficulty thinking of any 'selfish' behaviour he exhibited before all this which previous posters have said there must have been. I can't really think of any. Neither can a close friend who has known him for as long as me.
The closest I can come is that he has always completely compartmentalised work and home. I always felt that when he was in work he never thought about me at all. It wasn't an issue for me really though, until both the older DCs were in school and I hadn't gone back to work. And then I just put it down to my boredom. And I'm not sure that is selfish behaviour. Surely that is just normal for most people who have busy jobs... :-/ And no, I never asked him to contact me or made contact with him unless it was to ask if he could pick up something on his way home or what time he'd be home. And he always did that and never moaned about it.
That has changed. He is emailing me when he has chance just to ask how I'm doing. And to tell me about anything that has happened in work that may interest me (not just about her!). I think that's a good development.
I do feel that he has done so much to change his behaviour and is being honest with me.
And I think that he would have to be quite calculating to put us through the counselling of his own volition if he was still pursuing a relationship with her.
But the trust issue is going to be a big thing. We both know that. It is going to take time. There is no quick fix. And there are going to be bad days for both of us. But hopefully good ones too. On Monday he took the day off as the school I work in wasn't open. We went to our nearest big shopping centre, had a lovely morning wandering round some shops, coffee and cake in a lovely cafe and later on lunch out. All child free as they were in school / nursery. I honestly can't remember the last time we did that! And we talked lots. And some of it wasn't even about this!