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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

752 replies

JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 01:21

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

OP posts:
lazarusb · 27/02/2014 16:01

How are you doing Jones? Did his counselling go well?

JonesTheSteam · 27/02/2014 16:14

Hi.

He said it went well. We were told not to discuss straight away but to let him (or me when it is my turn) mull over what had been said.

He said the counsellor was easy to talk to and he felt comfortable with her.

I had a long talk with one of my SILs yesterday as she (ironically) has been through something similar with her DH (my DH's brother) and she texted me to ask if I wanted to talk.

They are 4 years on from their crisis and are happy now, albeit in a different way from how they used to be.

It was good to get someone else's perspective.

She didn't offer advice really. Just gave her experience of going through it.

I'm all out of anger at the moment. I just feel really tearful all the time but am bearing up. I cried in a bloody advert at the cinema on Tuesday just because it showed a happy family. Thank God it was dark!

Am out tonight, playing in a dress rehearsal of a show I'm doing tomorrow and Saturday (paid work otherwise I'd have knocked it on the head this week!) so don't really know when we'll have chance to talk about everything as the next few days are very busy! Rubbish timing.

I've read loads of stuff about how to tell if remorse is real etc. and I do feel DH is being honest. My SIL felt that too (she saw DH on Sunday) but I guess time will tell.

I'm still struggling more with him telling me he didn't love me before Christmas than what he actually did.

Sorry this probably wasn't very coherent!

OP posts:
JonesTheSteam · 27/02/2014 16:15

We are both reading the Shirley Glass book...

OP posts:
tessa6 · 27/02/2014 16:41

Hi jones, glad you're still out there, holding it together. You sound busy but at least there's a lot going on. I wonder what sort of experience the brothers had growing up that might make them a little bit selfish or entitled…(?!)

Anyway, thinking of you. Well done for getting through.

What is it, do you think, about what he said to you is proving so hard for you to reconcile?

JonesTheSteam · 27/02/2014 17:23

I've had a think while I'm driving up to my dress rehearsal but the signal here is rubbish so I'll attempt to answer that tomorrow.

Thanks tessa

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 27/02/2014 18:11

Re the I don't love you line - it could be because he had emotionally detached from you in order to create "space" for the OW (this is usually done unconsciously).

Also sometimes cheaters might think that because they felt attraction/lust/infatuation for someone else, then surely this must mean they have stopped loving their partner.

tessa6 · 27/02/2014 18:53

No problem, jones, good luck with the dress. Mis scatterbrain is right, though Im sure you already know all that. But since only you know him, and your relationship, t's likely that if you can locate the real cause of your unease and distress at him saying that to you, you will be closer to discovering what it is that you fear and resent most about who he is and what he's done and what you need moving forward, for you.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 27/02/2014 18:57

Certainly, 'I don't love my wife' is more palatable to someone who sees themselves as 'good' than, 'I feel like a bit on the side and why not?'

JonesTheSteam · 28/02/2014 10:18

I have no idea if I'm going to be able to explain myself well at all.

I think it's because it was so hurtful at the time. And it just seemed such a final thing to say to someone. I fell apart and struggled with it for a few weeks until we spent more time over Christmas together and then things seemed to improve greatly and he told me then that he hadn't meant it to be such a stark statement, but maybe it meant his feelings had changed slightly from what they used to be years ago. Which I think is understandable given the 20 years we've been together. Mine have too in some ways.

But I could see that we had got stuck in a rut of being parents rather than husband and wife a lot of the time in reality. And I can understand that made it easy for him to detach and 'make space' for the bitch from work the OW. Not that that excuses it in the slightest. And he accepts that it is no excuse for what he has done...

And I guess now a lot of it is to do with trust and my self esteem.

She is prettier than me, taller and slimmer (or at least she was before the weight loss I've had since Dday!). I just look exhausted and old at the moment. She excited something in him that I obviously don't (or didn't at the time!). He told her he loved he and then two days later told me he didn't. He says now that of course he didn't love her. That it was just exciting and shiny and new, and he liked the flattery and attention. That in reality he barely knew her, only the part of her that she chose to show him on the occasions they were together.

And I'm finding it hard to trust that he would give it up so easily due to all the threads / comments you read where people discover the affair is still ongoing. And just because he says he loves me and never stopped loving me how I can trust that it is really true. When I obviously don't trust him yet and it will take years to build that back up, if we ever can.

OP posts:
JonesTheSteam · 28/02/2014 10:22

I think in some ways reading threads on here about people on similar situations has become a bit of an addiction and probably not a good one as I feel sometimes it sets me back a couple of steps.

Not making much sense probably...

OP posts:
JonesTheSteam · 28/02/2014 10:26

And I don't want anyone to think that my low self esteem is down to DH saying she is more attractive than me or anything.

It's just how I feel atm.

He has said repeatedly that none of this is down to me. It's his selfishness and stupidity that has made him do this.

He gets a bit cross with me if I try and say that maybe I could have done anything different.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 28/02/2014 11:55

You have so many questions and doubts and stresses etc and it is normal but tbh I think while you are still together you are both kind of clinging to the wreckage and willing it to go away. Waking up every day wishing it could be erased. This is why I truly believe being apart is the only way to work through these feelings honestly without the other person being there.

JonesTheSteam · 28/02/2014 11:58

I don't believe that.

OP posts:
nomdirkplume · 28/02/2014 12:09

Jones, all these things that you're feeling are absolutely normal. How could you not feel drained and tired. Coupled with the inadvertent weight loss, you are not going to be feeling perky and at your best are you.

Regardless of what anyone on here says, you know your DH best and are more well placed to feel if you can trust what he's saying to you.
For what it's worth he is most likely hating himself and he probably said he didn't love you any more as he was thinking how could he love you if he was taken up by a shiny and new infatuation. It sounds as though he's totally owning his bad decisions and you should let him do that.

Be a little kinder to yourself and remember, you don't have to rush anything.
Take your time and please don't feel under pressure to make decisions about your future, or push yourself to move forward if you haven't reached that stage.

noddyholder · 28/02/2014 12:22

Ok well it is different for everyone. I have experience of both scenarios so thats probably why I think this way. Interestingly once apart I ended it and have never been happier. The most obvious choice isn't always the right one

JonesTheSteam · 28/02/2014 12:38

The only decision I have made is that I would like to try and work through this.

Whether we succeed or not.

Taking one day at a time...

OP posts:
noddyholder · 28/02/2014 12:45

Yes I wasn't suggesting you don't stay together btw just that sometimes the working through is easier apart Smile

JonesTheSteam · 28/02/2014 12:51

It's ok. I knew what you meant noddy...

OP posts:
tessa6 · 28/02/2014 13:05

Jones, I understand that reading threads can be become an unhealthy addiction. Look into older ones like whenwillifeelnormal for evidence of when it works out, and also books like I Love You But I Don't Trust You take a more positive approach to making the decisions you are going to have to make every day.

it sounds like you are aware that he is saying and feeling the sort of things that make it possible to work at it. The lack of trust you feel is necessary to protect yourself and totally understandable, not a barrier to returning to 'normality'. It is a long, difficult journey and one that he's set you on, so don't beat yourself up. Just be aware your gut is a really really good guide on these things, listen to it more than old threads.

Now that you understand what the 'I don't think I love you' was about, the fact that he had said he loved someone else and so couldn't hold in his head the idea that he loved two people, there are many ways to react to this. Pushing forward with what you say above, the emotional conclusions to wrestle with are that either 1. he fell out of love with you and in love with her. Therefore how could it really be over? 2. He thought he was in love with her but wasn't really, in which case, how could he be so wrong, how fragile is his supposed love for you that he can deny it or get confused like that? or 3. He was saying it to test things or leave you or get you to leave him or some other manipulative way to get out of the situation which was becoming intolerable to him. In which case, how cold and hurtful and cowardly.

Because all of these realities cause emotional pain, it's a very difficult thing for you to forget. There's no doubt that it's possible to think oneself in love with someone due to novelty, attraction, passion that is false and a bubble. And it's possible to think because of this that you 'must' not love your partner at home. There is a positive spin on that which is that those people are naturally monogamous in some way, that they would prefer just to be with and 'love' one person, and they freak out when it gets more complicated so have to rationalize. It's possible that you DH is like that and now, through the understanding and reality of his potential loss, has realized his truer, deeper love for you.

That is why people keep going on about the separation thing I think. It's not to chide you I think, but because it is this realization of TRUE loss, that can quite often clear the back and forth fog from a cheater's mind and make it very clear what they really want and will commit to fully. If your DH knows, as we do, that what you really want is to make it work, he has a lot to work with, but also a lot to take for granted too.

Sounds like you're doing really well and I hope you continue to get RL support. Don't be afraid of demanding what you need to keep going. Lots of hugs.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 28/02/2014 14:33

I still think its also partly an option four:

He was shagging another woman. This is not normal behavior for him. He's usually a nice guy. So he has to either think 'my marriage is shit' or 'Im a shit'.

Wrestling with his whole identity, he decided, (temporarily) to go for 'My marriage is shit.'

MissScatterbrain · 28/02/2014 14:42

John - I agree this could be an option, especially when you think about how cheaters often want to look like the good guy.

All of this takes time to unravel and this is why individual counselling, reading books and reflection is important for the cheater - that why he gets to the bottom of why he gave himself permission to cheat and what changes he need to make to his character. The more work he does, the less likely he is to cheat again - all part of the trust rebuilding process.

As Tessa says, rebuilding trust takes time and even if he does all the right things, you probably will never have that blind trust again - no bad thing IMO.

tessa6 · 28/02/2014 14:48

Yes, sorry, I agree, for me I was implying that with Option 2. If he thinks he's in love with OW but now realizes he wasn't 'really' the implication is he rationalized it using the thinking you describe above. He must be in love, and his marriage must be flawed, otherwise, well, he's a philandering shit.

So it's not entirely impossible he IS a philandering shit, just one with a very well functioning self-delusion and self-esteem maintaining system. That's what makes it so hard to tell after the fact and why only actions and gut feeling counts. Words are so easy for a philander or narcissist as they support their (false) view of themselves anyway. As George Costanza always said, 'It's not a lie if YOU believe it.'

Pimpf · 01/03/2014 08:47

Just wanted to say I think you're doing really well and so pleased that you're getting the support you need, on here and in rl.

lazarusb · 01/03/2014 10:51

I understand that this is a really hard time for you but remember that this is a process, a long and difficult one at that. Take each emotion at a time and give yourself a break, you are climbing a very high mountain at the moment and I guess you feel you're doing it alone at least some of the time.

Trust takes time and effort and you're still in the relatively early stages of dealing with this.

themaltesefalcon · 02/03/2014 18:55

How are you today, OP?

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