Hi Jones, been thinking about you loads and was very sad to read your recent message. I totally agree with LauraBridges - I know that chucking him out is the standard advice on MN but it was never a route I went down as the danger is that (a) it really does throw them into the arms of the other person, and (b) he is your husband and to fight this you need to do it together. I know some men do need to be told to get out, but those are the men who have refused to give up the OW. Your husband sounds very different to that.
And yes, you did know him and you do know him - you just didn't know the monster he became temporarily when he was flattered by the OW. It doesn't mean that your marriage was a lie in any sense of the word but I totally get your pain about his telling her he 'loved her' and telling you he didn't think he still loved you. My DH did exactly the same. Sat in a car outside a pub one evening and said, 'I don't think I love you any more'. I was so stunned that I simply couldn't believe what he had said. He, of course, was already telling the OW that he did 'love' her, unbeknown to me.
My counsellor told me that men who have always set a very high store by fidelity are very much the type to tell the OW that they 'love' them and their wives that they are no longer in love with them as they simply can't cope with doing something that they have long despised. Therefore sublimely they 'regularise' the new relationship by turning it into a love affair and convincing themselves that they no longer love their DW's. My husband now tells me that he never loved the OW, was in the throws of infatuation, and bitterly, bitterly regrets telling her he did.
For what it's worth, the issue I still struggle with nearly 3 years on is the fact that he asked her to marry him. And told me they had been looking at property together big enough for our three children and her three. They had also been looking at OFSTED reports of schools local to where they planned to live. We had another row about this only last night as it remains like a supperating wound in our marriage. So I really get where you are coming from.
But do hold on - he clearly adores you and you adore him. Doesn't mean you can't hate him and despise him and want to kill him as well. You WILL get over this but it just takes so much time. I really do believe that Anti-Depressants do a lot to assist and time, ultimately, begins to dissolve the acute pain. But it will always be there. However, it doesn't mean the end of your marriage so ignore those who tell you it does. Me, my sister and my two best friends have all been through this and we are all still with our DH's. Interestingly, we all have richer relationships with our partners, irrespective of the occasional/frequent spats about the affair. All have had our certainties and foundations fundamentally shaken and sometimes shattered, but new foundations and a more passionate love can follow. Hand holding xx