Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

[JonesTheSteam]

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

So he has given up the other woman, does not want her and intends to remain in the marriage if ou can accept that. It is a better position than many find themselves in when their husband or wife is torn and not sure if they want to stay. However it is up to you whether you can accept. Are there changes he could make you could impose as conditions - eg that he never stays late at work, that he changes jobs, that he does all the washing and cleaning, that he gives you a lot more free time at weekends or whatever would work for you both?

I don't want him to change jobs, as it is very well paid and he loves it. It is specialised and he would struggle to find another as well paid.

He doesn't stay late at work anyway.

He has always allowed me lots of free time at weekends as I frequently play in concerts so have commitments. He has always done so happily.

He does all the cooking (I do all the ironing!) and the rest of the housework / childcare we share equally.

I'm struggling to accept it's over with OW. Partially due (understandably) to his behaviour, partially due to my paranoia, and partially due to reading lots of threads on here where it wasn't over, I guess...

You will take a while (as long as you like) to get your head around this Jones, don't rush yourself, there is no imminent threat to life.

Be angry when you need, be numb when you need to be.

Take every day one step at a time.

Take whatever time you need.
Dismiss any ideas about your 'paranoia' - this is real, he did it, you aren't paranoid. Call it anger, suspicion, jealousy but not that. You haven't created this situation, he did.

I haven't read all the pages on this thread but has he said what happened? Did he fall in love and was torn between you both?Or was it occasional sex? How long did it last? Is she married?

Take each dy ate a time, it will get easier but it will take time, whatever you decide to do

Laura. She is married with two children. It 'lasted' 5 months. Sex on a drunken night away with work in September. Emails and texts from about 3 weeks after that. They had sex again in December after the work Christmas do, pre-planned that time. They have also met up twice for coffee and the emails / texts / phone calls continued. Although there were no texts and phone calls for approx. a week before I found emails. (I've seen his phone bills).

He wasn't torn. Once discovered he ended it immediately. He didn't fall in love with her. He told her he loved her post shag the second time and signed his emails 'love DH'. He told me two days later he wasn't sure he still loved me. That is the part I'm struggling with most at the moment, strangely.

He never thought about leaving me and it was never discussed apart from some jokey comment about they'd never find a house with enough bedrooms for 5 children and he'd have to do all the ironing as her husband does that!

Writing all that has made me feel sick...

lazarusb.

You're right. Paranoia was the wrong choice of word.

Thanks. Okay so he didn't really love her. If he did he'd be planning to be with her. Does her husband know?
It sounds as though he clearly wants to stay. The fact once he said he wasn't sure he still loved you probably isn't significant. He will now realise how much he stands to lose (he'd end up in a bed sit not living with his children and probably with both you and her having dumped him)

So it's down to whether you can forget about it and just get on with things and ensuring he realises this is not carte blanche to do this again and again in the next 20 years as he's realised he won't be kicked out but be better at hiding it next time but the one last and only chance. Make sure he has an STD test and you. Make sure he accepts you can read his phone/texts. Perhaps put key logging software on his computer. Make sure you know all about the family finances in case things go wrong - see his P60s, his pension statements and savings.

Gosh those circumstances are so classic - the work trip away and the work Christmas party. That might suggest at least at the start it was not too serious.

You are probably better sticking it out if you can live with it.

Jones Just want to make it clear I wasn't criticising you. It just seems to be a word commonly applied to women who have been or are being cheated on. In which case, they have every reason to behave the way they do and feel they are on a rollercoaster. You are a strong person, even if you don't feel like it right now. This isn't your fault.

Jones, from what you say I think he probably does want to stay. But the remarks about the practicality of it (kids ironing etc) are depressing and telling, even if they're jokes. Possibly there's something inherently lazy and selfish somewhere in him, so although I 'm sure there's masses of love there, I think he might also take what he can get in life. And he's got a better deal with you. I think he should be encouraged to examine this life as a 'taker' in counseling if possible.

I also think that if you have a feeling it you should be very aware that affairs are hard to give up, there is an addiction quality. If you are feeling they're in contact, it's probably so. And he's going to be feeling pretty bad about himself right now which will lead him to be want to offset that guilt with not being horrible to ANYONE, including OW. I would assume contact is ongoing unless you have incontrovertible evidence that it isn't. And I would think hard about what the continued contact at work means for you, psychologically in the long term. He has a LOT of work to do if he is going to come back from this, and I would say in the circumstances you describe you should carry on building a life for yourself out of this, before looking to take care of him too. It can be done, there is hope, but it's not in your hands, it's in his. And if he doesn't do all that is required, you must eventually think of it as the gift of telling you he never will be the man you deserve, and no more time of yours will be wasted.

I don't think they are in contact. I have no feeling that they are. And then I read messages like your last one, and other threads, and it just makes me feel I must be wrong as you make it seem so unlikely that he has given it up so easily.

I know that isn't your intention but it is how it makes me feel.

Time will tell I guess.

He has his first individual counselling session Wednesday night.

Until all this happened I really wouldn't have said he had any selfish traits at all.

It also makes me wonder if I know him at all. I've known him for 24 years in total. I would have said all his recent behaviour is very out of character for him. Maybe not, eh?

And they don't see each other in work every day. She works in another building and the site is enormous so he never worked closely with her. He has no meetings with her this week. And when he does other people are present.

lazarusb.

It's ok, I knew you weren't being critical.

If you want to know if he is in touch with her surely things like being able to check his texts etc will help you decide one way or the other. It does not sound as though he is.

LauraBridges (A Jilly Cooper 'Riders' fan?)

Her husband doesn't know.

He also works for the same company.

It's so bloody incestuous it makes me ill.

I have her phone number saved on my phone under 'bitch'. Not that I plan to do anything with it. It just makes me feel better! :-D

I have access to his phone, his texts, his phone bills, his email and his fbook account so he is being very transparent.

And he's had an STI test. I saw the spare labels from the centre. He got the person taking samples to write down what he was testing for. I have also seen the text saying that all results were negative.

Did he offer to move out when you first found out? I think he should move out temporarily. His presence sounds like permanent torture for you. Perhaps you could more easily reflect on your futures with some time apart.

Tawnydee.

I haven't said that anywhere...

I'm sorry, Jones, I thought you DID have a feeling they were in touch upthread. If you really don't then I would definitely trust that. It sounds like you've got a really good shot at it and all the right things going on. Keep having whatever conversations you need to have with him and hopefully it's onwards and upwards.

I agree Jones - some breathing space (for both of you) might help you both see things in perspective?

So sorry you've had this shock x

I don't feel that asking him to move out atm is right for any of us.

That may change. We'll see...

Thanks

I imagine this is the worst bit now, Jones.

You're three and a half weeks into this (but I bet it's feeling like a lifetime already.)

I imagine it's much harder now than when you initially found out.

It must seem like a mountain to climb, but you can achieve whatever it is that is best for you.

I posted in the early days of your thread about how good friends of mine got through it and came out much better at the end of it all.

They had time apart, and both went through a range of different emotions and intentions...they were staying together, then he wanted to move out, then he wanted to get back together and she didn't...then he moved back...eventually they worked out that they both wanted to be together, but it took a good 12-18 months for them to both want the same thing at the same time, and even then there were still all the underlying problems that the affair created, that still needed working through.

I've read your DH wants to make it work.

Whilst this is good, I imagine it puts a fair bit of pressure on you. Through not fault of your own, it must feel like the whole of your family's future lies in the palm of your hand, and the weight of all of that on your shoulders must be a huge emotional burden.

Don't try and fight your emotions, work through them.

Sorry for the awful cliche!
xx

I think moving out escalates things and throw the person into the arms of others. I don't think it is a good idea. It entrenches things before people decide. Many many couples do work things out after something like this and stay together.