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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

752 replies

JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 01:21

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

OP posts:
Pimpf · 14/02/2014 00:09

Glad you have people in rl to talk to

Pimpf · 16/02/2014 16:32

HOw are you?

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 16/02/2014 18:26

Have looked into the financial side of things and know now that I will cope if we do separate..

Trying to take one day at a time and mostly just feeling really tearful the last couple of days.

Thanks for asking.

OP posts:
SerenaBracken · 16/02/2014 18:37

Thing with counselling is both have to want to save the marriage and be equally truthful as both see it.

We went, counsellor surprisingly really told OH he was out of order. Quite fierce for a guy wearing grey socks and Jesus sandals. H was contrite, but we stepped outside and I was handed a betting slip.
Cash it for food as he was off skiing for a week.

Pimpf · 17/02/2014 11:51

I think you just need to keep on doing what you're doing, take it one day at a time and looking at all your options.

I know it must have been (still is) tempting to throw him out but you are n control here and you will make the right decision for you and your family

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 17/02/2014 16:34

Thanks Pimpf.

It is tempting. I think I'd be doing it to try and hurt him as much as anything else..

OP posts:
Pimpf · 17/02/2014 16:49

Understandable. How are the children? Have you got plans for half term?

tessa6 · 17/02/2014 18:12

That's brilliant of you to look into the practical stuff. Well done, Jones, at least you now know you're not forced into staying for practical reasons. Are you eating?

Trying to hurt him is kind of pointless I guess but totally understandable. Actually, he has hurt you so immensely that it makes total sense to want to level the playing field. It's even desirable. to regain respect, encourage empathy and make you feel powerful again. I'm not saying be cruel for cruel's sake, but do things which make you feel powerful, better and independent of him, whatever that involves. That will build your esteem and create an understanding in him that you are not just a compartmentalized facet of him and his life.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 17/02/2014 18:40

The children are ok. The youngest has been a bit clingy recently - wanting more cuddles. Not sure if he's picked up on the mood or whether it's just a faze.

The other two seem ok.

Another week of school here before half term. No plans really. I'm looking after my sister's children one day. I'm working the last Friday so DH has booked that day off to look after the DCs...

I am eating but my appetite has seriously diminished...

In many ways, other than financially, I am very independent anyway. My self esteem has taken a beating obviously, but I am lucky enough to have a full life outside of DH and the family as well.

If the worst comes to the worst I've realised I will be fine. I am a LOT stronger than I thought I was before all this began.

Thanks everyone...

OP posts:
Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 17/02/2014 18:40

phase not faze!

OP posts:
SerenaBracken · 17/02/2014 19:03

Thanks for your update and to read the children are doing well. As a loving mum that is what matters.
I know you cannot stomach much at present but lentil soup would slip down a treat. Protein and grate some cheese on to it for your children. If you do the grating in front of them into their bowl, they love it.

Pimpf · 17/02/2014 21:30

Pleased to hear the kids are ok. You will get there

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 21/02/2014 11:07

I know this thread is basically dead and the relationship board has moved on but I'm really struggling today.

I just want to stay in bed and sob.

How could he do this to us?

I feel he is saying and doing all the right things. Total transparency now. Answering all my questions truthfully (or as truthfully as he can as he still doesn't know exactly why). No secrecy with his phone or emails. He is saying he loves me and he wants to work through this. He is going for individual counselling next week. He knows it was his problem, that he has messed up. Has not tried to justify it, has not tried to blame me at all! He is suffering at what he has done to me / us. Feels so guilty. Regrets it (not the getting caught). Genuinely seems to have ended all contact.

I'm just not coping at all....

OP posts:
pardonmytits · 21/02/2014 11:14

Oh lady :( I'm sorry I don't have any wise words or answers. Just offering hugs and a hand to hold until a more knowledgable head comes along. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/02/2014 11:18

Oh jones Thanks what a trauma. Let yourself stay in bed and sob. It's ok. You've been so v strong - its ok to be weak too.

LineRunner · 21/02/2014 11:25

You could be emotionally worn out. I've been through it, and it was exhausting.

hamptoncourt · 21/02/2014 11:33

So sorry you are going through this. It is exhausting isn't it?

I think there is a sort of pressure that when the other party is so truly sorry and is doing what they can to put it right, you feel almost trapped into forgiving them. But you don't have to forgive him you know.

I hope it all works out for you either way, just give it more time and do what is best for you.

Pimpf · 21/02/2014 19:33

The relationship board is here for you as long as you need it.

Sorry to hear your having a particularly bad time today, you have to remember, this is still all new to you it is going to take time. It sounds like he's doing the right things, it would concern me if he was trying to out the blame on you or make excuses. However that does not mean you have to forgive him, it is still your decision to make as to what happens next.

It is completely natural to do what you're doing and feel how you're feeling. Are you also having counselling?

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 21/02/2014 19:51

I will be Pimpf.

And we also plan to have joint counselling at some point.

Thanks.

OP posts:
ThinkFirst · 21/02/2014 19:55

Take each day as it comes, don't expect too much of yourself. You will be up and down, moods changing from being angry to upset and back again for a while, it's perfectly natural. Just look after yourself

Pimpf · 21/02/2014 19:55

Anytime you need to let off steam or have a good old cry, come back here, even if it seems silly and it's 6 months down the line. There is no time limit to your feeling this way.

cakehappy · 22/02/2014 18:43

Sorry you're hurting Jones:(

cakehappy · 23/02/2014 16:02

How are you doing today OP?

lazarusb · 23/02/2014 17:44

Delurking to offer another hand.
This is still early days and the questions are still fresh in your head. At the same time you have a life outside this to get on with. You want the world to stop turning for a bit but it hasn't.

As others have said, there is no time limit here and no boxes to tick and move on from. It's normal to be up and down - this is your life. Just know that people are here and ready to listen Flowers

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 23/02/2014 18:25

Haven't seen DH much today. I was playing in a band call for a musical this morning and this afternoon DH has taken DD to stay with his mum for a couple of days. He is on his way home now.

Feeling relatively calm but that won't last once he's back I guess.

OP posts:
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