Hi Jones
I'm sorry, I know it's hard. I think one of the things that's going to take a long time is the realization that this isn't all about him. The infidelity was all about him, and the focus should stay there. But the rest of this, the marriage and the future, is about you.
I'm not sure you have fully accepted that you could leave him.
I'm not saying I want you to. I don't care. I'm not saying leave the bastard. But I think you are still caught in the terrifying place where you cannot imagine this marriage being over, where you are hoping it can be like it was before, or unable to move on from your thinking and assumptions pre-affair. and so are having to deal with horrendous memories and realizations and fear over his true emotions towards you with no sense of control at all. he is absolutely and completely running the show, intentionally or not. Every doubt, every admittance, every text will pull at you like a leash. Because he is essentially the one with options. And you are the one wondering if the man who has cheated on you and betrayed you horribly and lying to you is staying with you out of guilt. What about you? What about the one who is faithful and kind and clever and compassionate? Why are you the one worrying about his love for you?
You are so caught up in the illusion that his affair makes you vulnerable to losing him. His affair should make him vulnerable to losing YOU.
And I say this with compassion, I promise, but there is every chance he is torn about his feelings. There is every chance he is still communicating with her and unsure what to do. That guilt is playing a part because he hasn't snapped out of the fantasy of the affair. Because he does not truly believe or understand what it is to lose you. I know this is hard and I'm sorry. I don't know enough about what's going on right now to say.
I want you to start thinking in terms of leaving being an option for you. Understand I'm not saying you should leave. I know this seems counter-intuitive, because you think you should make the decision to stay and then 'work at it'. But that's actually the wrong way round, in my view. In order to 'choose to stay' you have to actually genuinely have gone to the place in your mind where you could have been okay with leaving. It's a big psychological difference. To choose properly. It's hugely empowering. That's the only way it's a choice. Otherwise you are putting yourself in a position where you are going to stay with him no matter what he does, no matter what you discover, and obviously that's crazy. You are still incredibly early in the process and reacting out of instinct.
I know this is a difficult thing to accept right now and it seems unhelpful. Of course you don't trust him right now. you'd be mad to. That's okay. It doesn't reflect on anything. It's a totally sane response. You need to protect yourself right now. And slowly it will become clearer the stronger you become.