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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

752 replies

JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 01:21

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

OP posts:
Pimpf · 03/02/2014 20:29

How am I abusive? Ive expressed concern for someone who feels like she is being ripped apart by other posters on this thread.

The only poster I've referred to is Kindle, who accused me of brown nosing.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 03/02/2014 20:37

Jones - I think staying is a lot harder than leaving tbh and this is your life. No one else's. In a few months some people posting on here won't even remember your name so certainly don't go against what you want to do because someone thinks you should leave your husband.

Good luck.

kindlefire · 03/02/2014 20:40

Ok .

I think you are abusive for the following reason . The Op stated that she basically felt attacked and that people weren't being supportive . People posted to reassure her that this wasn't the case and sought to comfort her . You, however , went out of your way to CONFIRM that people were attacking her and not being supportive . You even went as far to suggest that some people would actually be thrilled , therefore confirming her fears .

Pimpf · 03/02/2014 20:44

You continue with your agenda whatever it is, kindle. Well said toffee.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 03/02/2014 20:53

I really don't want this thread to turn into a bunfight...

Please forgive me if I've annoyed anyone by seeming to be selective with the advice you think I want to hear...

OP posts:
Misfitless · 03/02/2014 20:57

OP, I suggest, if you come back at all, that if you read a post that offends you, you ask that person to leave the thread, and that that person should respect your wishes and just opt out of commenting further.

I don't know if that would work in practice, or not, but maybe worth a try.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 20:59

I think the bite size bunfight has died out now, Jones. A mild skirmish only. An agreement to disagree ?

Please believe everyone wishes you well.

mammadiggingdeep · 03/02/2014 21:04

Jones- in your situation people understand that it was hard to read some posts, it's natural. Forget it and the bun fight.

Lets focus on you. What do you want from this thread? How are you? Have you eaten today? Any chance of a day off of work tomo?

Misfitless · 03/02/2014 21:08

Jones, as the OP, it's your prerogative to pick and choose which bits of advice to follow/respond to/agree with/disagree with and/or ignore.

I never understand why mners get all shirty when their advice hasn't got the response they think it deserves. Post your advice, but it's up to the OP to respond to your advice and comments however she likes.

It's pretty lousy that when she's going through this hellish time, the OP is now in the position where she feels she needs to apologise for how she's responding to advice she's been given on here.

Sorry to talk about you like you're not here, Jones, and I know you can stick up for yourself, but sometimes these things just need to be said, I think.

I don't really have any advice that hasn't already been said by many, and then picked apart by others. Just take care of yourself, and take all the time you need. Do what is right for you and only listen to the bits of advice on here that help, and ignore everything that makes you feel shittier or drags you down even further.

Pimpf · 03/02/2014 21:14

Take care Jones

kindlefire · 03/02/2014 21:21

No bunfight here Op .

tessa6 · 03/02/2014 21:30

Jones, you are the one who has been hurt here. It's horrible to feel you want a hug and a hand hold (which is the least you deserve!) and feel yoga re being lectured. I'm sorry.

There's no 'right' way of dealing with this. You are not naive or stupid to want to believe him and to want to save your marriage. Those are completely sane and logical and warm-hearted things that make sense in the narrative of loving someone and your whole life. It is not stupid to trust someone. It is totally sane. it is stupid to betray them. And so it's really weird to amble out, choking on betrayal, when it seems one person has been living a part lie.

The truth is that you need to do whatever you need to do. And you are not stupid, not foolish and nothing but wronged. He has messed up, you've done what makes sense. How is it stupid to truth the one you love?! It isn't.

When I say things like all cheaters minimize I'm just stating a fact, it has no bearing on you and your intelligence or anything. They all do. It's horrific and nightmarish to deal with. The only reason I say that is so you don't feel like you're going crazy when he says something you know in your gut can't be true, or that you don't feel destroyed down the line when the evidence doesn't match up to what he's said.

What you need right now is compassion and time. The only advice I would say, not patronizingly I hope, is that the support and compassion should come from people outside of your marriage as much as possible, because it is impossible to be healed but the same person who is hurting you.

You will always be welcome here. Give yourself time. And know you are not at fault at all. You are the person who was faithful, who trusted, who loves. Those are beautiful things. And speak well of you.

Hugs.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 03/02/2014 21:38

When I started this thread I just wanted to vent my feelings really...

I'm not sure now.

I just want to feel I can post without being judged as weak and a pushover...

That may be me feeling defensive more than what posters are actually posting. Unsurprisingly I'm feeling very fragile.

I managed a banana and half an apple all day. I couldn't eat the whole apple... It made my teeth hurt.

DH made cheese on toast earlier and that hurt my teeth too... Can stress cause sensitive teeth all of a sudden?

DH has spoken to the OW. I'd rather not go into great detail about what happened exactly. It was a short meeting, about 3 minutes. She seems to accepted it is over and has told DH that if we don't work out it doesn't mean he can go running back to her. But that she would remain professional at work. (They will have to see each other in meetings about once a week, but there are lots of people in those meetings.)

He phoned a clinic is going to get tested for STIs tomorrow on the way home from work.

He has booked a relate session for us both to attend next week so that they can work out some sort of plan for us to go for counselling. Separately probably in the first instance.

I know there are posters who think I'm being too trusting. But I think for us it is best that I at least attempt to believe everything he has said so far.

That doesn't mean I haven't accused him of just telling me what I want to hear. Of questioning him constantly about his 'story'. This story hasn't changed from the moment I first confronted him. Obviously, i am far from trusting him.I have to appear to to give him the chance to prove himself... I hope that makes sense in some bizarre way...

I have cried and cried several times today. My colleague, who I only really got to know in September, was amazing. This evening I really had to struggle to hold on in front of my children a couple of times.
I am hoping tomorrow in work will be better as it usually a much busier day and hopefully I will be distracted.

I feel very shaky and shivery. I have lost at least 5lbs this weekend. And half a stone since I last weighed myself two weeks ago.

Sorry if this is a bit rambly. On my.phone and very tired.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 03/02/2014 21:42

OP I think you are doing brilliantly. Please don't try to fight the roller coaster. Is there any chance you can plan a day off soon, or as a sickie? This situation is already taking it's toil on your health.

Logg1e · 03/02/2014 21:43

"Toil"??

Logg1e · 03/02/2014 21:44

Oh, was going to post the usual advice about soup and smoothies and milkshakes. Try to keep your health up.

familyscapegoat · 03/02/2014 21:44

Why Relate?

How do you feel about them continuing to work together?

I remember the teeth thing! I lived on cereal, water and rescue remedy.

tessa6 · 03/02/2014 21:44

I'm sure you're not a pushover. You're hurting and it's totally understandable.

Down the line if you want him to move jobs that would be entirely reasonable and not weird or controlling.

You don't have to do anything. not here with us and not in appearance to him if you don't want to. Just get through this first couple of weeks, then you will might begin to get a semblance of self again.

No one should be judging you. A lot of us are or have been in the same boat. On both side, if that's not mixing metaphors too much!

Also you should feel free to have whatever counseling you would find helpful. This is about you.

Eat something, small and often. I know it feels like being hit with a truck.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 03/02/2014 21:45

My post about the meeting makes it sound like he was expecting to be able to run back to her.

That is not the case. He made it very clear that it was over and he wanted to make our marriage work. She asked if he was sure and when he said yes, she then said that he was not to come running to him if we didn't work out.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 03/02/2014 21:46

You've done so well to get through the day. Try to eat more tomorrow...even a bowl of cereal and a couple if bananas. Drink tea with sugar in it. Your teeth hurting and you not managing to finish food is shock. Your body is reacting.

It does make sense what you say you're feeling. If you don't believe what he's saying it would open a whole other can of worms- I get that. It must seem unbearable right now.

You have to do what is right for you. Just continue to listen to your heart. Be kind to yourself- put yourself first.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 03/02/2014 21:47

family scapegoat

If he worked in close proximity to her I would worry. They don't...

OP posts:
Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 03/02/2014 21:47

I don't work Wednesdays so will have a day off then...

OP posts:
Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 03/02/2014 21:48

Why not Relate?

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 03/02/2014 21:50

Glad youll get a day off on Wednesday. You can be lazy and try to rest...

cjel · 03/02/2014 21:51

I haven't read all this and missed the 'bun fight' I just wanted to say that there is no 'weak' or 'strong' thing to do any more than a right or wrong. Go along with what you feel like doing now - make sure you really check with yourself that it is you and not him leading the way. Take care of yourself anyway you need to, take comfort any way you want to and don't be afraid if what you want today changes as the days and weeks go byxxxx