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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

752 replies

JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 01:21

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

OP posts:
FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 03/02/2014 18:10

I am very dorry to have made you feel worse, when you are already in a bad place .

I guess I did not word it very well.

Stay strong and trust yourself.

Angry with your DH on your behalf, and with all lying cheating bastards. Have seen a few friends get hurt like this, in RL I guess I cannot be as outspoken as I can be here.

Again, I am very sorry to have upset you. I guess you really did not need comments like my earlier posts!

BuzzardBird · 03/02/2014 18:23

Jones there are plenty of us who are supporting you ^^. I hope if you have left the thread it is because you have some RL support and you don't need it anymore but we are here if not. Thanks

PS you are doing well, even though you probably don't think so.

livingzuid · 03/02/2014 18:31

Jones, sorry you are feeling so rough and hope you come back to the thread to keep us updated. Just ignore those posts that are not useful. I'm not going to turn your thread into a bunfight!

Anyway, amazed you went in today. Hope you have made it home now and at least had a bath and relax before having to face your H. Have you heard from him today and has the OW conversation happened? How are you feeling about it all? Did work help you take your mind off it - not by the sounds of things :(

familyscapegoat · 03/02/2014 18:41

I do wish you well and hope that you'll return when you're clearer in your own mind what you really want from a thread. I'm not sure that lots of posts telling you we're holding your hand or saying 'I understand why you feel like that' would be of value, because true listening involves you telling us what's in your head and possibly a flow of questions and answers between you and your respondents.

SawofftheOW · 03/02/2014 18:42

OP, I have PM'd you.

Pimpf · 03/02/2014 19:06

Jones, you are doing amazingly well. Carry on doing what is right for you, only you know the relationship and your dh.

Yes it might all go tits up then all those posters on here can say "I told you so" and won't they just be thrilled. On the other hand, you may well be right, he may have made one (ok 2) great big huge fuck ups and it will never ever happen again, but right now you don't know that, dealing with it your way gives that a chance to happen, chucking him out means you'll never know.

I think everyone needs to give jones the support she needs right now, let her come to her own conclusions rather than bully her into making the wrng decision for her right now.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 19:12

There are no "told you so" posters here and you can knock "won't they be thrilled" right on the head.

Only1scoop · 03/02/2014 19:14

"Won't they be thrilled"
Awful Hmm

FoxyTerrier · 03/02/2014 19:23

Jones, you are in shock right now...and probably completely traumatised that his has happened to you - you didn't ask for this and it's a hideous situation. I can honestly say, that whilst I only found out in October about my DH's affair, I cannot remember anything about the first week or so after it was revealed. I was shellshocked, and just trying to make it from one day to the next. I have never felt such pain and sadness - it was physical, I couldn't eat or sleep and forgot how to carry out the most basic of tasks. I too, had to go to work and try and act as if everything as fine. I confided in one close friend, and that helped enormously. Don't leave the thread - take from it what you need right now. You may revisit it later and find other advice useful, you may not. But honestly, just give yourself some time to get your head around what has happened. If you can get some time off work, I would do - I understand it's not easy for you, but you wont be able to think straight if you're not kind to yourself. Am thinking of you - it really does take over everything.

Pimpf · 03/02/2014 19:23

I'm sorry but there are a lot of ltb comments on many threads. And on many of them I agree it's the right thing to do, but it isn't in all of them.

I also know someone who cheated on his then girlfriend, the circumstances sou d very similar, she forgave him and they are are now married with children, and very happy.

Affairs don't have to mean the end of a marriage, it is up to jones to decide what she wants to do and comments like don't trust him he'll do it again are not helpful.

You're right 'wont they be thrilled' isn't a nice thing to say, and I'm not saying that everyone thinks like that, but there are some people that love a good drama and seem to feel some people's lives are like a soap opera. Not the case, Jones has had her life turned upside down and just needs some support, she said that atm she doesn't want to end the marriage she wants to see if they can make it work and she should be supported in her decision and she obviously feels she isn't.

MissScatterbrain · 03/02/2014 19:26

Op, you won't be the first or last poster to come back - I have never seen anyone on MN say "I told you so". Why would we especially since many will have been in your exact situation which sadly is not unique.

livingzuid · 03/02/2014 19:34

Op said several times she just wants to talk it out. That sometimes means just listening and asking questions. There's a fair bit of telling the op what is and isn't the situation which she has not found helpful. Just because you or I might want something one way does not mean she does and we should respect that.

There is some very good advice on the thread and perhaps she will revisit it one day when she feels able to. But right now she's in pain and hurting terribly with her life torn apart trying to hold it together for 3 dcs and hold a job down, and being berated for choosing not to accept certain comments won't be helping her. It takes time to process all of this and she is not there yet. There is nothing wrong with that.

Op hope you are OK Thanks

Lambzig · 03/02/2014 19:52

OP I have just read the whole thread. I hope you are ok. I think it's really sad that if you said you had kicked him out you would have nothing but positive support, but deciding to stay and I think people have been very harsh.

Only you know what is right for you and your family. I hope you are ok and getting the hand holding you need in RL.

kindlefire · 03/02/2014 19:52

No one would be thrilled , I'm not sure your in a position to guess peoples motivations for posting . Plus it sounds like Brown nosing .

The majority of people who've posted here have had a similar experience and are kindly sharing that , they nearly all winged it at the time and are sharing what they wish they'd done differently in hindsight.

Despite how long ago it was , or the outcome , for many people posting about their experience isn't nice . Op if your still reading it's not unusual to get pstd symptoms.

Pimpf · 03/02/2014 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mammadiggingdeep · 03/02/2014 20:03

A bun fight won't help the op

Pimpf · 03/02/2014 20:10

You're quite right mamma, but I wasn't prepared to walk away from such crap. Jones needs support, not people making her feel worse, which they have done.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 20:15

The people who have tried to help are not prepared, pimpf for you to suggest they would be thrilled if it went tit-ups for the OP

I don't whether you think you had the high ground here, but you just lost it with your last post.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 20:15

don't know

mammadiggingdeep · 03/02/2014 20:16

Not intentionally. The op is in shock and the comments are hurting her.

Op, I feel for you, I think every poster on here cares. Well done just for getting through today. Well done just for putting one foot on front of the other.

You are in control if this. You don't need to do anything yet. Catch your breath. Breathe. No pressure. No big decisions until your shock subsides and your emotions settle. I hope you have a good friend looking out for you and giving you hugs.

Sending you a virtual one...

AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 20:16

you continuing to call people out and tell them to fuck ain't helping the OP either

AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 20:16

to fuck off

argh my typing

kindlefire · 03/02/2014 20:17

Your an abusive prick pimpf , I'm not convinced you look any better trying to dress your abusiveness up as concern for the Op

If you've got an issue with what someone's said to Op it might be fairer to pm that poster instead of derailing her thread .

mammadiggingdeep · 03/02/2014 20:17

I agree with AF, there is nobody on this thread that would be thrilled. If there was I for one would've told then to F off as would the majority of other posters.

mammadiggingdeep · 03/02/2014 20:18

Yeah...lets not let this thread get derailed.

Op- are you ok this eve?

Swipe left for the next trending thread