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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Army wife living with domestic violence

174 replies

gr8kids · 29/01/2014 16:00

Am i being unreasonable to have made the choice already that this isn't going to work? I Will give him 1 meeting with relate but that's purely just to give me confirmation that he Will say i have communication problems and we both to blame. The same old thing! Yeah he May not have hit me very often, mostly controlling/aggression over me and kids military style! But he crossed the line when he shook the living day lights out of our stroppy 13 dd on Saturday. If i hadn't of stopped him., i don't want to think about what could of happened! I feel so guilty for feeling so free these past 3 days. And yesterday i got a tattoo. Yes because i could. Now Im allowed to do what i want. Is it Christmas or am i been selfish? My children Will lose their dad., that's not good. But its been so calm in the house. Am i being unreasonable??

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Jux · 11/02/2014 15:34

You go for it! Whole new life for you and the children. Free to make it exactly what you want it to be, with only people worth having in it. Clean slate. What an opportunity!

May I suggest that when you get back here (UK?) you find the Freedom Programme and go on it? It'll help you reset your boundaries and sharpen up your Twunt Radar.

gr8kids · 11/02/2014 17:14

That is my plan, Im really looking forward to it. Definitely something i need so i can live a twunt free life

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gr8kids · 12/02/2014 18:28

And now he's insisting that i meet with him without the welfare officer so we can talk privately. Honestly we don't have anything private to discuss anymore, everyone knows our business now! I keep telling him Im not ok seeing him alone.

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Funnyfoot · 12/02/2014 18:32

Hi gr8kids. Keep telling him that. The second he gets you on your own he will try to manipulate you or worse. Stay strong (hug)

FanFuckingTastic · 12/02/2014 18:47

And you know not to do that, he's just silly to try to get you to do something you know he isn't supposed to do right now. He thinks he's above those rules, and you know he isn't. He might escalate a little bit as it continues, he probably has an idea of timescales for leaving if he is smart enough to know the forces process. Keep safe and keep talking to us.

I've been taking my little steps each day too, I'm getting closer and closer to being independent again. One day maybe we can both raise a glass to each other to toast our freedom.

gr8kids · 12/02/2014 19:00

Thank you Fan wish i could be more support to you as well. I knew this calm state of his won't last much longer. He does know Im leaving very soon and probably stressing out that this time i actually mean it and am leaving him for real. You're a strong woman Fan x

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Jux · 12/02/2014 19:02

You have no need and there is no requirement for you to do anything he wants any more, gr8kids, so you're not going to are you? Keep notes on any contact at all, though, and tell the welfare officer that he has been badgering you.

I am picturing you and Fan getting together a little further down the line and having a mighty piss up putting the world to rights session Grin

FanFuckingTastic · 12/02/2014 19:06

You re strong too gr8. I'm getting loads of support here, and I know when you get back to the UK, so will you. In a couple of months we can hopefully be talking about decorating our new homes, what we did that day and what our plans for the future are. I know I want to study while I can take advantage of that, and hopefully find a way to work with my disabilities.

gr8kids · 12/02/2014 19:26

Yes you are right, i do what i want now and not what he commands of me. Ha ha Jux that sounds like a plan, why not hey seen as we can do what we want now. Fan you can do whatever you want now as well and having a goal to work towards is what its all about right, fulfilling YOUR dreams.

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gr8kids · 13/02/2014 19:30

Oh no, i don't feel very strong right now. Been ok all day but all of a sudden my heart feels so sad. Will i miss him, could he change, he loves us so much, maybe in the future he Will change? It hurts!!

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Jux · 13/02/2014 22:12

I'm so sorry. Yes, it hurts.

No, he won't change. No, he doesn't love you so much. That's not what people do to people they love. What he does is love having someone under his control, it makes him feel like a big strong man.

Even if he were to do the whole hearts and flowers thing, as soon as you were back trusting him, it would all start again, the little digs, the 'accidental' pushes, the minimising of your feelings, the bullying, the anger. And so it would go on.

It's not what you want for yourself or your children.

It's hard. There will be times when you will feel very very sad, but look carefully. What you are sad about is what could have been, what you had expected. Not what you got.

Leave now, knowing you are doing the right thing. I promise it will get easier. Time. It's always down to time. Keep a diary now, and look at it again in 6 months - you won't recognise yourself.

Funnyfoot · 13/02/2014 22:24

Hi gr8kids
I am sorry you are having a bad time. I know it is difficult but you need to remind yourself of why you started this process.
You haven't left him because he's a wonderful husband who loves and supports you. Protects you, looks after you when you are scared. Hugs you when you cry.

You are leaving him because he does none of those things.
You are leaving to protect yourself and your children.

Remember you will have help and support when you move. (hugs)

gr8kids · 14/02/2014 12:27

Hate Valentines day!

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captainmummy · 14/02/2014 13:49

Me too ! The world is suddenly full of 'happy' couples, desperately looking loved-up, paying double for the same meals as last week, with scent-less roses, and sickly chocolates, and a card that they think excuses them for the rest of the year...
Is that what you meant? Grin

gr8kids · 14/02/2014 17:10

Yeah kind of! Plus i don't think a real relationship actually exists.

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captainmummy · 15/02/2014 07:41

Oh I'm sure it does , just that in a real relationship the attention is there all the time, not just on one day!
It does get better, op, and you don't need a man to be happy.

gr8kids · 15/02/2014 08:54

I only at other couples and genuinely think that happiness is all an act. Yes i don't need a man to be happy. I need to do some serious soul searching and find out who i really am.

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gr8kids · 15/02/2014 08:55

Look not only *

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FanFuckingTastic · 15/02/2014 15:13

Concentrate on yourself first gr8. You deserve some time to focus on you, learn what you want and put things into place to achieve them. Right now a relationship is only a distraction from that. You are setting up a new home filled with happiness and minus the fear from before. Make that a wonderful place that you feel at peace in. Grow you strength into being able to say no to people who don't have only the best at heart for you.

Valentines Day is nothing. Just an excuse for cards that go in the bin, flowers that die, and chocolate that gets eaten and is gone. Today is here already and all the spoils of Valentines will be gone soon enough.

What won't be gone is your freedom, your choice and your future. Sure you feel sad, I do too. Not because he was a decent man, but because he was what I knew and going into the unknown is lonely and scary. I wouldn't for a second turn back, but I do feel sad that he couldn't have been a better man for me, and that he felt he had to abuse me to keep me, and that he had no idea how to truly love me and accept me as I was.

Don't mistake that sadness for regret, you should never regret standing up for yourself and your children, for saying "actually, we deserve more than this" and for leaving the violence and abuse behind. He's a damaged man, maybe he can be fixed, but that is no longer your remit, if he wants to change it's up to him, and it's too late to do it to keep you, you've been through more than enough in your time together and you deserve more than that. Keep taking your tiny steps, you are doing so well. Every single one takes you closer to a life you deserve to have, to the freedom you are entitled to.

Be sad, but don't let it swamp you, don't let it take away the clarity of what kind of person he is and was to you. You are strong and you will be so happy very soon.

gr8kids · 15/02/2014 15:37

Thank you Fan. Been so emotional. When i thought there weren't anymore tears, i cry a river full.

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FanFuckingTastic · 15/02/2014 17:19

You are mourning for what you should have had, but he never gave you that, instead he was selfish and treated you in a way you should never have treated you. That's heartbreaking, of course you feel emotional about it. Tears are cathartic. xx

gr8kids · 16/02/2014 19:52

Hurting so much again today. Does it ever fuckin stop! What i really want is to be cake to watch a few couples lives that have this so called relationship and pen how its ment to work. Cause i don't have a freaking clue how to work this life out. Im no good at relationships. The only 1 thigh know Im good at and that's being a mother. Im not perfect but Im trying.

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gr8kids · 16/02/2014 19:52

Able not cake FFS predictive text

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FanFuckingTastic · 23/02/2014 23:28

I've not been around, half term coupled with illness. Are you doing okay? Where are things at now?

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