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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Army wife living with domestic violence

174 replies

gr8kids · 29/01/2014 16:00

Am i being unreasonable to have made the choice already that this isn't going to work? I Will give him 1 meeting with relate but that's purely just to give me confirmation that he Will say i have communication problems and we both to blame. The same old thing! Yeah he May not have hit me very often, mostly controlling/aggression over me and kids military style! But he crossed the line when he shook the living day lights out of our stroppy 13 dd on Saturday. If i hadn't of stopped him., i don't want to think about what could of happened! I feel so guilty for feeling so free these past 3 days. And yesterday i got a tattoo. Yes because i could. Now Im allowed to do what i want. Is it Christmas or am i been selfish? My children Will lose their dad., that's not good. But its been so calm in the house. Am i being unreasonable??

OP posts:
gr8kids · 30/01/2014 14:36

Really hating all this!!!!

OP posts:
wyldchyld · 30/01/2014 14:37

I know, gr8kids, it's really hard. This is why he's doing this - to make it hard and to make you hate it so you will go back. Stay strong Thanks

bibliomania · 30/01/2014 14:47

I strongly suggest you avoid exchanging texts with him. You're doing really well by refusing to meet him face to face - don't leave yourself open to manipulation any other way. What can be acheived by it? You'll never get him to see the light or accept your point of view. The risk is that he'll wheedle his way back in.

You've got enough to concentrate on at the moment. One step at a time, and use all the help you can get.

FanFuckingTastic · 30/01/2014 15:14

The only way to deal with these things is one step at a time, and keep going. I'm currently dealing with an abusive ex partner, and there's lots of support out there, it seems really overwhelming, but you have to break it up into manageable steps and just keep moving away from him, emotionally, practically and physically.

I felt like I was deprogramming for a while, people explained to me why he did stuff and it made me realize other things he did to keep me under his control too, and boy did he react when he realized that I was out of his control permanently. Make sure you take safety precautions, for practicality and for peace of mind also. I felt much better once I'd talked to the police and found out he was a fantasist about some of his history, making himself out to be "badder" than he was. Not that I'll let that lull me into a false sense of security because I know how he can just flip in temper too.

My mum left my dad while we were stationed in Germany. Three kids and we left with our suitcases. We were housed within two weeks, permanent housing with a council local to mum's family. It wasn't too bad, I was just so happy we were getting away from him! Best choice she ever made. Means I learned that I don't have to put up with that sort of stuff either, as my ex is finding to his dissatisfaction.

Hissy · 30/01/2014 15:45

Why would he not transfer the money/put it in your account?

He will have been told not to approach you, yet he has done so. report this to the welfare officer and the RMP. please

thinking of you lovey

gr8kids · 31/01/2014 11:42

So last night I had the chat with my dd about leaving here asap and starting over again. First she was quite shocked to know that there is a place out there that have people that have been in the same situation as us. Then she got quite excited knowing that she's going to meet these people and be able to relate to them and get all the support we all so desperately need and she's super excited this morning about the new start we doing together. Good times are ahead. And today I've started getting all my paperwork together and sorting things out so we will be ready to go anytime.

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/01/2014 11:52

gr8
That sounds like a really positive conversation. It must be a real relief for your DD to know that she isn't trapped in this situation and that there is a way out.

gr8kids · 31/01/2014 12:00

Thank you. It's tough not knowing what to say. But all I can do is what I think is right for my children. I'm interested to know how this script goes that everyone seems to know about. Could you explain to me please. So right now even though he knows that it's over and I've made that clear, he still seems to be in another world convinced it'll all be ok. Quite strange.

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FanFuckingTastic · 31/01/2014 12:30

I'm finding that not knowing what to say to my ex, I tend to say nothing at all. It's easier than getting bogged down in conversations that leave you feeling confused and upset. I've been no contact for over a week now and I feel much safer and better about myself.

I don't know the script exactly myself, but in this deprogramming stage I am starting to recognize certain things he did that I thought were okay at the time, actually really really weren't okay. Like how he tried to make me believe my family were no good, using things I'd said myself about times when I found them difficult to wear me down into believing that I should have as little contact with them as possible. And when he would argue with me, he would become unreasonable and I would be forced to walk away feeling bad about it, then come back to him being reasonableness personified, apologies and tears, but actually he would end up making me feel guilty for even answering back and like I was being the unreasonable one when I walked away. And over time it would show that he didn't actually believe any of the "reasonable" things he said to me. Like when he told me to take some time to sort my head out, and then would be constantly in touch making me feel bad for being away or not contacting him all the time every day, which eventually morphed into me being completely unreasonable and abusive towards him for distancing myself and not replying to the constant guilt and accusatory conversations he would have with me.

I'm waiting for Women's Aid to get in contact, and I plan on asking for some sort off counselling to help me understand his behaviour and my own weakness for believing in him, so that it never ever happens to me again. Having people on here pointing out "why he does that" helps a great deal for me to understand and distance myself, so keep posting and be strong. You are worth more than a man who wants to hurt you, you are capable without him, your daughter will be happier having a happy safe mum, and there is so much support out there for people in your situation. I wish it hadn't taken my mum twenty years to realize all of this, I was almost nineteen when we left and she is so different now. She got her degree in nursing, she is independent and happy, she has had good relationships after a few non-starters, and recently got married to my step-dad, who sadly passed in November, but she was so happy with him, but in a healthy two way relationship. As her daughter it was so beautiful to see her with a man who respected her and treated her well, and it was good to see her confidence change into something that drove her into doing what she wanted to do, when she wanted to do it.

You can do it too. You've made some really big steps towards that emotional freedom. I don't know you, but I am really proud of you anyway for being brave and stepping into this unknown world of being the one calling the shots and doing what you need to do for yourself and your daughter. Keep stepping, I am too, and I'll bet in six months time we'll both be so much happier.

wyldchyld · 31/01/2014 12:35

gr8kids, the conversation with your daughter must be helping knowing how pleased she is to be leaving! Stay strong for your kids hon, you're doing the right thing

gr8kids · 31/01/2014 12:40

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

captainmummy · 31/01/2014 12:55

the script There you go. Have a read, OP.

And be careful. Don't tell him your plans, then he cant scupper them, or become abusive/violent when he finds out

FanFuckingTastic · 31/01/2014 12:59

That relenting a bit to look like the good guy, when actually he was the cause of the whole situation in the first place is very familiar. How could he be the good guy when he stopped you from contacting them in the first place? He is just trying to manipulate your feelings into accepting the situation, and it's not actually acceptable at all to lay down the law about who you can and can't contact. That's your own right as a human being.

Mine tried to make it about "protecting me from harm", but I'm a grown up, I can decide what is harming me and what isn't. If I want to speak to my mum or my sister, that's my business.

By cutting you off, what he is doing is cementing control, because you have no one to discuss his behaviour with, so you can't question it. I think that is part of the so-called script they follow. By making you emotionally dependent on only them, it becomes harder to cut yourself off and be independent when you do realize they are being controlling, so not only do they manage to make you not question them, they prepare for when you do begin to question them, by putting you in a situation where your emotions, finances and home life are all so dependent on them, that it is so very difficult to take that decisive action to step away from them.

That's why you are so worried about him owning all the furniture, about what it will be like for you and your kids if you leave. He has programmed you to believe that he is the only one who can look after you, when actually you can look after yourself. Be prepared for him to seem reasonable and giving you things like the money, it's all part of his campaign to get you back under his control again. Once he does that, he can punish you how he chooses for what he sees as you not following that script he has given you. Not straight away while he is being Mr Reasonable, but afterwards when things settle down, I guarantee that's what he would do. Because that's who he is and what he does, and he may say otherwise, but you've experience it haven't you. He isn't reasonable and he doesn't respect you.

Life is going to be so good for you when you have the freedom to do as you choose. I love eating and drinking whatever I like, I love sleeping when I need to without being told I am lazy, I love being able to leave the house without permission and not having any concerns about taking too long or having to explain what I've been doing, and worrying about whether he will take exception and punish me. Won't it be so nice when you can do the same?

gr8kids · 31/01/2014 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gr8kids · 31/01/2014 13:28

Ps. Thank you captain.

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FanFuckingTastic · 31/01/2014 13:42

Lists are definitely your friend, I have bought a notepad specifically for sorting out my life. There's a lot to do, which can be overwhelming, but ticking things off makes me feel like I am achieving stuff, and reminding myself that it's not a easy solution I am aiming for and that it's okay to take it step by step, so long as I go forwards and not backwards helps too. Some days I have a bad day and I feel crap and wonder how on earth I can achieve this, but they only last a day and I make sure I look at what I have achieved already and make plans to do something else the next day, and here I am six weeks into leaving and still okay, still surviving and doing it off of my own back (with the very welcome support of my family, friends, MN and charities).

My ex told me I'd never manage on my own, I'd be homeless, penniless and I'd lose my children without him to help me. Actually none of this has happened, I have friends who love me, a family who cares and my children are my ultimate inspiration to keep going, do something positive with my life, and make the changes I need to not be such a vulnerable person in future. I may never be as amazing as some people, because I do have health problems, but I feel amazing because at least now I have the control over what I do. If it doesn't work out, that's my own problem, no guilt trips, no put downs, no rules and punishments. Just me, getting up and trying again if I do fall down.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/01/2014 13:42

gr8
I love hearing you sound more positive. I would think carefully about letting the schools know where you are that you are planning to leave if there is any way it could get back to him via the school or gossip. I would play your cards very close to your chest as I would imagine that you are in a reletively closed enviroment where news spreads quickly.

gr8kids · 01/02/2014 15:14

I know now that i shouldn't of done it but i did and i really regret it now! I spoke to him on the phone today. And i came off the phone in tears and once again questioning myself as to whether I've overreacted about everything. Feeling so angry and confused Sad

OP posts:
Joules68 · 01/02/2014 15:19

Why were you in tears?

Fairy1303 · 01/02/2014 15:21

You are NOT over reacting.
I felt like this too.
Write a list of all the times you had to be careful about what you said/did. All the times he hurt you.

He hurt your DD.
You can do it.
Pm me if you like. We can do it together x

gr8kids · 01/02/2014 15:26

Because i do still love him but hate how he makes me feel. I didn't think it would be so bad over the phone. He kept saying how we Will get help then it'll be better. I said its not me who needs help its him. He apologized and said he knows his to blame but then a few times again he would say we need help. Also that he was there for me when i needed support and i need to be there for him. He's so very sorry and loves me and the kids. I need to get away from him.

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Joules68 · 01/02/2014 15:28

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pointythings · 01/02/2014 15:46

This is all part of the script, gr8kids. And he can't help showing his true colours, can he? Pretending to accept the problem is with him, but falling back on 'we need help' when he forgets the act. Implying that you share the blame in all this when he has been the violent abusive one. Doing the emotional blackmail thing. This is what they do. Don't fall for it. It is part of the pattern with men like him.

It took my husband's cousin 8 years to finally make the break and what did it for her was watching him beat up his own DD. You've reached that point now, don't let it drag on.

gr8kids · 01/02/2014 15:47

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joules68 · 01/02/2014 16:09

Well I guess we get used to rationalising things on their behalf don't we. Well to us it's rationalising.... To those on the outside it's making excuses