Army wife living with domestic violence

[gr8kids]

Am i being unreasonable to have made the choice already that this isn't going to work? I Will give him 1 meeting with relate but that's purely just to give me confirmation that he Will say i have communication problems and we both to blame. The same old thing! Yeah he May not have hit me very often, mostly controlling/aggression over me and kids military style! But he crossed the line when he shook the living day lights out of our stroppy 13 dd on Saturday. If i hadn't of stopped him., i don't want to think about what could of happened! I feel so guilty for feeling so free these past 3 days. And yesterday i got a tattoo. Yes because i could. Now Im allowed to do what i want. Is it Christmas or am i been selfish? My children Will lose their dad., that's not good. But its been so calm in the house. Am i being unreasonable??

Remember that SSAFA can help you too.

Sorting a new life is daunting but you can do it. And if you leave first, he gets to do the march out.

Hey now that sounds like a plan. I hate doing march outs. Makes me mad because i have to get my 2 cats a new home now. My kids are going to be so upset. But once we settled they can each get a new cat.

YANBU, and you are also brilliant.

Some years back I saw a guy, obviously Army from his demeanor, at a campsite in France. He walked into the campsite bar, and he stared down anyone who made eye contact. I looked away, because I saw his family. They were standing outside, evidentally awaiting instructions. His wife had the unmistakable carriage that goes with broken ribs, and the DCs ( girl 12, boy 9) had utterly blank faces.

I knew very well that if I stared him down, he would punish them. That's what they do.

I hope they escaped. Well done for doing it so much earlier.

YABU to say controlling/aggression over me and kids military style

That's not military style. That's total cunt style.

And disgrace... You're taking bollocks. Obviously Army from his demeanour??? What does that mean? That's what they do?? That's what who do?

Good luck OP. you deserve more.

Perhaps demeanor wasn't the right word, but there's something about the stance, the hair, etc.

"They" in this case refers to the kind of abuser who replays any setback, however minor, into an attack on his victims. Some of the notable ones include Mick Philpott and the barrister George Carman, both given to smashing the house up after a bad day.

You've absolutely done the right thing. Maybe you could get some counselling to help you keep your confidence up about your decision. It is hard but you'll never look back

Disgrace, that is frankly an appalling choice of words and complete bollocks. You don't even know whether this dude you clocked was military at all.

I know literally thousands of guys in the military who have never hit a woman or child, so I take great great exception to the 'military style' bollocksery.

As mrs BW said, that's not military style, that's total cunt style.

Op, total sympathy. Glad you have started the process and understand the 93 days thing. Don't forget you can access SSAFA and normal welfare resources during this time, and they are well used to dealing with separations (not just from DV, all sorts, and initiated from both sides). You can also use the Cotswold Centre for a period after the 93 days if necessary.

These will go fast though - what are your plans after the three months is up? Are you going 'home?' You need to get schools and stuff sorted - think of it as a posting and start your usual process now.

I was the same and recently left.
He never actually hit me but shook me, tried to strangle me, grabbed me etc. I didn't realise it was abuse either.

I've been out for a month. Living with my mum with DS but move into new house on the 8th feb.

I can't tell you how good it is to be able to do what I want, go to bed when I want, say what I think rather than what he wants to hear.

You children will be better off.

Do it. You won't regret it.

I'm going through soooo many emotions right now. But I'm also experience the freedom of doing what I want, going to bed when I want, eating when and what I want and exercising when I want. It's such a weird feeling but I'm loving it. I don't have to hear his 'opinions' anymore. That was probably a nice way of putting it instead of telling me what to do, he is so persuasive and I/we ended up doing what his opinion was than rather what we intended to. Saying all this stuff makes me feel like I was living in someone elses life. Is that strange? Well I was also kept from my mum and sister for few years till last year when he allowed me contact so my thoughts are to move near them so I have all the support for the children and myself. Yesterday I had a look at schools. He seems to believe that no matter how long it takes, at some point we will get back together. This morning I had the courage to text him and tell him that the kids will be taken away from me if I go back to him. He said he'll get better and prove that he has changed then we can be together as a family. Don't understand why he's been so calm and positive about this???? Does anybody know anything about this certificate or something that will allow me to get housing quick. I know I'll be getting all this help from Welfare and SSAFA but just want some idea from anyone please? Also I understand that each county has longer waiting lists etc. Soooo much to sort out.

Can't help with the military side I'm afraid,
But DH also has said he will get help - he misses his kids, we belong at home etc etc etc.

Don't be fooled.

I used to avoid certain TV programmes because I knew I'd get a tirade about how much of a moron I was for watching it.

We are better than this.

You could pm LtEveDallas, who is likely to be the best informed and most in date poster about resettlement.

Otherwise, SSAFA is your best bet. They will have a branch covering the area you hope to move to and so the one in your location should be able to link up with the one there give advice on local housing procedures. And SSAFA also run halfway houses for those leaving DV situations which might be a useful safety net if timings don't run tidily for you.

He seems to believe that no matter how long it takes, at some point we will get back together.

This makes him potentially VERY dangerous.

2 women a week in the UK are murdered by men they had a sexual relationship with.

Leaving a violent and controlling man is a dangerous time.

Of course, you must leave him. He is abusing not just you, but your children.

But you should get advice from domestic violence experts about how to protect yourself from this man on an ongoing basis.

Could he be that dangerous? Even though he wasn't physically violent a lot? Well with the help of all you lovely people I have taken control back today and sent him a message (I'm too vulnerable right now to see him) and told him I don't want to see relate as that won't help because he needs the help not me. He sent me a message earlier saying things will be ok because we'll be working with relate and they can help both of us. REALLY???? Then I realised that wtf would I need the help. The kids aren't scared of me. So screw him, I'm not going to do the relate meeting next Tuesday. I've just phoned my welfare worker and told him I've decided it's over. That's it now. I can't go back. I've just ended my marriage. Now for EVERYTHING else to get sorted.......

Good for you :)

And yes, he could be that dangerous.

He may not have been violent that frequently, but he didn't need to be because he had you under control.

Now he doesn't.

Just be careful.

And you are dead right not to go to couple's counselling with an abusive man. No ethical counsellor would even agree to see you together.

It's probably because of where we are right now. That isn't he actual Relate place it's a similar kind of thing. But it's done now. I'm waiting for his response message back to me. Not sure what it'll say but fairly confident his pissed right now. I have locked the doors just in case and people are aware. If I do get a shitty response back then I'll be sure to let my welfare officer know. I highly doubt he would actually go to the kids school and collect them, but should I maybe let the school know not to allow them to be released with anyone other than me?

gr8kids yes, you should. Let your welfare officer know this is what you have done. Be very careful.

Congratulations on getting out.

I feel so nervous and worried about my future now with my children. What about all the stuff? I haven't paid for one thing, his paid for all of it. I don't even have a bed to my name. Shit shit shit shit!!! As much as I seem a good mother for getting out of this situation, it's not true because look at what I have to put the kids through now. No matter which way I turn I turn their little world upside down {sad}

Thing is though, he has already abused your DD. Your other children have witnessed abuse - and believe me, they know what's been going on. You're taking them out of that situation. It's the single biggest thing you can do for them. Yes, there will be financial hardship - but he will have to pay maintenance for them, and he will find it very difficult to get out from under given that he is military because he won't be able to lie and say he is self-employed or any of that bollocks.

You will be entitled to all kinds of benefits - make sure you access all the help that you have available. Women's Aid and the CAB will be able to tell you exactly what you are able to claim. Stuff is the least of your worries right now.

You say 'you haven't paid for anything' as if you believe you aren't entitled to anything - that's him having messed with your head, I'm afraid. You have looked after the children, kept the household going, enabled him to have a career. So you have done as much valuable work as he has. And without being an abusive arse. Start believing in your own worth - I know that's hard.

You're allowed to be worried, but please don't waver now. You have a daughter. Women who come from abusive families are more likely to end up as victims of abuse themselves. Please think about that.

gr8kids - well done on making the first move. This is extremely important that you get out and stay out as his abuse is not to be tolerated. It's bad enough that he has abused you for years, but he has now turned on your children.

Better to turn their world upside down by having to start again than to see a great Mum like you controlled and bullied and belitted and beaten, and then be beaten themselves.

There are loads of support networks who can give you money or furniture to make your home and get you started. Also, as his wife and partner, you will be entitled to alimony and child support despite leaving him etc. You were an equal partner in that marriage and you deserve recompense.

There are also refuges which can help temporarily in the UK.

Have a chat with your welfare officer. They can and will help you.

Stay strong!

OP hang strong! Your kids will love you for this

Fairy yay on the house! So glad it is working out for you!

Thank you everyone. I know it's not going to be easy but it's the right thing to do.

OP, I have been in your situation. Married to soldier, living abroad and having to leave. Rehoming pets, selling possessions, leaving with my DS who was just 6 months old at the time (I put a thread up about it here initially that got moved to Relationships where I got lots of lovely advice and support). Stay strong, I know it is such a difficult, overwhelming time. I too experienced DV at the hands of my H so the RMPs were involved and knew the situation, are they aware of any of this? How are your welfare being (apologies if you've already explained this, I am out at the moment so have very quickly read through the thread).

Have your welfare discussed the option of going to the Army refuge, the name of which I won't post in case that causes any problems. I went there, lots of Army wives all (sadly) in the same boat who all pull together and help each other. Lots of support, all the staff helped me with my benefits, housing options and even contact your local councils for you to assist you getting housed. Please PM me if you would like to know more, or how I found the situation in general and my adjustment back to civvy street. You're doing a wonderful, brave thing and it's hard now, but remember, anything from here can never be as difficult as the initial process of leaving so everything else kind of falls into place.

Well he's just responded to my message about it been over and telling him I won't live with his anger and control anymore, he needs help. We have a lot to discuss but we can do that over the phone as I won't allow myself to be persuaded to take him back if I see him face to face. He has come back with all positive comments about it will work out ok and just doesn't seem to accept what I'm saying to him. I tried again and said it's over I'm leaving with the kids. Still he hasn't accepted this. It's as if I've written it in a language he doesn't understand. Spotty thank you for your advice. I'll pm you if that's ok please?

They have lots of welfare advice, counsellors and assistance to get you back on your feet. If you can get a place there, I think you would find it a good stepping stone to finding your feet here agan.

Keep going gr8kids, you are doing the best thing.

edited by MNHQ