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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Army wife living with domestic violence

174 replies

gr8kids · 29/01/2014 16:00

Am i being unreasonable to have made the choice already that this isn't going to work? I Will give him 1 meeting with relate but that's purely just to give me confirmation that he Will say i have communication problems and we both to blame. The same old thing! Yeah he May not have hit me very often, mostly controlling/aggression over me and kids military style! But he crossed the line when he shook the living day lights out of our stroppy 13 dd on Saturday. If i hadn't of stopped him., i don't want to think about what could of happened! I feel so guilty for feeling so free these past 3 days. And yesterday i got a tattoo. Yes because i could. Now Im allowed to do what i want. Is it Christmas or am i been selfish? My children Will lose their dad., that's not good. But its been so calm in the house. Am i being unreasonable??

OP posts:
forceslover · 30/01/2014 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/01/2014 12:19

gr8
He is used to ignoring what you say and only listening to himself because he doesn't think what you want is as important as what he wants. You are not supposed to have independent thoughts, wishes and needs only he is allowed that luxury. This is a very good book if you want to understand abusive relationships

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

and your DH sounds like one of the men in there that was saying all the right things until he realised that it was really over and then hospitalised his partner.

Currently he is doing the fingers in the ears "lalala can't hear you" routine because he automatically discounts anything you say that doesn't fit in with his version of reality. I would get out before he realises that this time you are not going to follow his scrip.

pointythings · 30/01/2014 12:22

Can i just second Chaz's point? I don't want to alarm you, but the fact that he is not taking in what you are telling him is a warning sign. Take it seriously.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/01/2014 12:24

script not scrip

Original poster
gr8kids · 30/01/2014 12:27

I don't mean to be so naïve but do you think he really will freak out? I am expecting him to get angry at some point but that's it. Or maybe I just don't want to believe he's capable of more. I usually do what it takes so situation doesn't get too heated. But I won't take him back and suppose that's what he's expecting.

OP posts:
wyldchyld · 30/01/2014 12:28

I would be very concerned the fact that he is living in this bubble where, in his mind, everything will be fine and dandy and happy families will be played by all. However, once it dawns on him that this may not be happen and that you are being a stronger person, he may become very violent. He's already shown a capability for violence both towards you and your children. I think it is extremely important you look carefully at your safety and security and put into place a set of plans in case something does go wrong and he shows up.

I don't want to frighten you, and I sincerely hope that everything is fine - but this is something you need to be aware of. This kind of thing happens and I really don't want you to be in a position where you could be in danger. I would try speak to your welfare officer as quickly as possible regarding security.

amyshellfish · 30/01/2014 12:31

I would stop replying to him if I were you. If you absolutely have to, keep it factual. When I left my twatty ex,, he started off asking what he could do to change. He was very self pitying and said i was cold and went wouldn't i listen to him. When he realised I wasnt coming back he then started being extremely nasty. I saw am the facets of his personality. If you go back you will have to go through this all in a few months time. I didn't see him face to face at all because he had talked me round before.

wyldchyld · 30/01/2014 12:36

gr8 you obviously know your partner better than we all do. But, to lay it out here:

  1. He has been violent previously to you and his daughter
  2. His wife has now left him and taken the children and is exploring her freedom
  3. He is in total denial it is over and fully, 100% believes you will get back together
  4. It's not gonna happen
  5. He will at some point suddenly realise this.

As you've said, he is very controlling and violent when he doesn't feel obeyed. You have broken his control and disobeyed him at the ultimate degree. My instinct is that there is very clearly a possibility of violence as in his eyes, you have been disobedient to the highest level and brought other people into your "private business".

My apologies if this upsets you - it really is not my intention - but I am very worried for you, particularly as you are abroad and away from your own support network and slightly isolated.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/01/2014 12:39

gr8
Ask yourself how has he reacted in the past if you have not gone along with what he wanted or his version of events?

Now multiply that by the realisation that this time he will be losing control for ever on your terms not his.

I think his reaction will be worse than anything you have ever seen before.

Original poster
gr8kids · 30/01/2014 12:42

Yes I understand this now and could see him getting mad. My welfare officer have made the Military police and the police aware of this address and if at any point there's a call from here they need to act quickly. In the mean time I'll keep doors locked at all times and I have already gone through safety procedure with my dd and if anything were to happen who she calls and that she must run out the house with my ds (6 years) to a meeting point away from the house and I will find her there. I did this a few days ago just in case so obviously I do actually know what he's capable of doing, it's not ok.

OP posts:
pointythings · 30/01/2014 12:45

Please, please listen to the advice you are getting. We are all worried for you.

pointythings · 30/01/2014 12:45

X-posted. Phew. Well done putting safety drills in place.

Joules68 · 30/01/2014 12:46

I was in the stepping stone home too. It was fab!

When I got rehoused I got carpets paid for by ex's regiment, appliances from British legion women's section, beds from SSAFA.

Don't worry op, help is available.

Joules68 · 30/01/2014 12:47

Welfare also took my ex off armed guard duty as I was so worried ( request this if he works with arms)

But he knows your routine so it's best to go sooner rather than later

wyldchyld · 30/01/2014 12:48

gr8kids, might I suggest you look at getting the locks changed as well? If he's adamant to get in, he would but that might give you some peace of mind and also slow him down. I might also look at having a discussion with your welfare officer about if you genuinely believe there is a distinct possibility of him becoming violent and approaching you, would there be any scope to move you for your own protection to another location and help you to make plans and ideas from there? If the military police etc have been alerted, it would suggest that they also believe there is a possibility he may approach you and that the welfare officer was concerned enough to advise them.

Thanks to you and your DCs for all this stuff! I'm so sorry you've got this happening

SpottyPony · 30/01/2014 12:54

OP I have pm'd you back, just saw your latest update here and well done for putting safety measures in place. When my exH returned from abroad and was known for DV I also made my neighbours aware of what was going on (as they were trusted and I knew them well, hopefully you too have someone trusted also?) so they kept an eye out too and when he arrived at the house one time demanding I let him in, they sent him on his way. They had no DC and I wouldn't have asked anyone vulnerable but it was good to have someone else looking out for me too.

SpottyPony · 30/01/2014 12:56

I say I also made my neighbours aware as I also had in place help from the welfare officer keeping an eye on him and RMPs were informed of what was going on so took all precautions I could.

Original poster
gr8kids · 30/01/2014 13:34

I'm quite embarrassed to tell anyone what's being going on but I have told my friend living across from me so that in case the kids can go over the them. She's a good friend of mine but doesn't know the whole story about how controlling and angry he is. She knew a bit about his anger and then about what he did to my dd. Every morning she asks if I'm ok but it seems the look she gives me is a look of disbelief that things have gotten so bad because to everyone else my husband is quietly spoken. Like a gentle giant really. Not sure if this is my just seeing things but I'm sure if other people found out they would look at me just the same way.

OP posts:
Hissy · 30/01/2014 13:48

She is probably concerned for you and worried that you needed help and didn't ask her. Her look is of concern, not disbelief. she wouldn't ask you every day unless she wanted to know.

open up, tell people. YOU didn't do this, remember? HE CHOSE TO DO THIS TO YOU.

call WA for advice and someone to talk to in RL

Inertia · 30/01/2014 13:48

You need to be really careful about the contact he makes by text and phone. He is already minimising the fact that he has assaulted you several times and shaken your daughter- just so that you are aware, the acceptable number of times for a man to assault his wife and child is ZERO. You can't control whether or not he gets angry- chances are he'll get angry whatever you do, he's been angry with you plenty of times before you left him. All you can do is take steps to ensure you and the children are safe.

By the way, you're married- the stuff isn't his, it forms shared assets. When you're married, your property and money belong to both of you. You earned it just as much as he did , by providing childcare for his children while he went out to work.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 30/01/2014 13:50

It's as if I've written it in a language he doesn't understand.

It's not that he doesn't understand the language, it's that he doesn't think you get a say in the matter.

captainmummy · 30/01/2014 13:53

Why are you embarrassed about what he's done? Is it because you feel that you should have done something about it? If you'd been a 'better' wife he wouldn't have hit you? Forget that. He does it becaues he wants to, and can do. He is the one who should be ashamed.

(When my dad (army captain) left my Mum for a young girl 3 years older than his eldest dd I made sure everyone on his camp knew about it. Mum had a breakdown, and I told his commander that too. DF lost out on his promotion - blames, me, but never mind. )

OP - If he realises he has nothing to lose (ie, you are going anyway) he may well turn nasty. Please be careful.

Original poster
gr8kids · 30/01/2014 13:54

He was just here now but not trying to get in, just put some money in the shed. Then sent me a message telling me there's money and when I need more to let him know. It's driving me mad that he isn't accepting the fact that it's over. I don't want this anymore, enough already.

OP posts:
wyldchyld · 30/01/2014 14:24

gr8kids, the money giving is another form of control. He wants you to believe you are reliant on him and cannot afford to lose him, both in the monetary way and in the general way. It's also slightly strange to put money in the shed then tell you where it is - he's not had a discussion with you about your needs / wants etc. He's trying to make it impossible for you to leave. It's all about his exerting control again

Plus if he acts as reasonable as possible, you will stop what you're doing and return to his control. Please, please, please do not be taken in

JoinYourPlayfellows · 30/01/2014 14:26

Leave the money where it is.