Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Army wife living with domestic violence

174 replies

gr8kids · 29/01/2014 16:00

Am i being unreasonable to have made the choice already that this isn't going to work? I Will give him 1 meeting with relate but that's purely just to give me confirmation that he Will say i have communication problems and we both to blame. The same old thing! Yeah he May not have hit me very often, mostly controlling/aggression over me and kids military style! But he crossed the line when he shook the living day lights out of our stroppy 13 dd on Saturday. If i hadn't of stopped him., i don't want to think about what could of happened! I feel so guilty for feeling so free these past 3 days. And yesterday i got a tattoo. Yes because i could. Now Im allowed to do what i want. Is it Christmas or am i been selfish? My children Will lose their dad., that's not good. But its been so calm in the house. Am i being unreasonable??

OP posts:
gr8kids · 01/02/2014 16:28

I'm going through all the suvivor stories on womens aid and I keep comparing mine with theirs. Mine just doesn't seem as bad.

OP posts:
gr8kids · 01/02/2014 16:37

Wish there was a way to move this thread to relationships. Should of put it there in the first place I think.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 01/02/2014 16:53

gr8kids

Report your OP to MNHQ and ask them to move it.

gr8kids · 01/02/2014 17:04

Thank you Auntie I'll do that. You know I just found Lundy Bancroft book " why does he do that? on facebook and I'm not going mad. My pathetic husband is so much like Water Torturer.

OP posts:
pointythings · 01/02/2014 17:08

I hope knowing that helps you, gr8kids. Now you can trust your intuition.

gr8kids · 01/02/2014 18:10

Can anyone recommend some books for me to read please?

OP posts:
FanFuckingTastic · 01/02/2014 18:16

Remember how he makes you feel, and how you feel when you are on your own.

That freedom of choice you have should be there all the time, even in a relationship, so the fact that it doesn't happen shows that your relationship is disordered.

It's not you that took away that freedom, it was him, and he still doesn't recognize he is wholly to blame, because he keeps bringing it back to you both needing help, when actually it's not you at all.

By trying to bring it back to you both getting help, he is trying to make you believe there is something at fault with you and how you are in the relationship.

Did you take away your own freedom? Or was that him? Why would you need help in this scenario? If he can't accept that it is his issue, then he is not going to change. He is saying things in the right direction, but it's pretty apparent that he doesn't really believe he is at fault, he is only saying what he thinks you need to hear to get you back into the place he likes you best, under his control.

A man who wanted to change would accept that this is his issue, that he needs to get help, and wouldn't pressure you to get back together until he has sought that help. He would be more reasonable, and he wouldn't try to blame you too. That's him using guilt to exploit your feelings in an attempt to control them.

Your story may not be awful, but with a man who doesn't actually accept that responsibility for that behaviour, and tries to imply that you are somehow also at fault for him behaving in that way, it may well end up just as bad if you go back. He doesn't show the signs to me of a man who is sorry for his behaviour, he sounds like a man who knows he has pushed you to the point of leaving, and he has to make the right sounds to stop that happening.

I got all this, the sorry and the reasonable "you take some time to sort your head out" (implying that actually the problem was in my head due to my mental health), the money to get me to come back for Christmas, and the "I love you" and "we'll fix this". When I made it clear I had my plans and I wasn't going to change them, he turned and got mean, directly blamed me rather than indirectly and actually made things up to make him out to be the injured party and me the unreasonable one. When I decided to ignore that he became outright threatening, and stalked me, called me an abuser and made me feel very unsafe. They begin with the "sorry, but" and escalate trying to bring you back into their grasp, and when they don't manage that, they want to punish you.

So I would say feel sad about the end of your relationship, that's okay, but don't let him use that to make you feel guilty and try to manipulate you back. If he really wanted you back, it wouldn't be manipulation he used, but showing you that he has actually made the effort to change.

FanFuckingTastic · 01/02/2014 18:19

I was recommended the Lundy Bancroft book "Why Does He Do That". Maybe we should both get it and read it together, then we can discuss what we find.

gr8kids · 01/02/2014 18:48

Thank you Fan your are right, this is the end of my relationship and i do believe that when he realizes I've taken control and left him he's going to get mad. That's his problem though cause we won't be here to del that wrath ever again! Good idea about the book. I can't seem to find it on kindle so I'll have to wait till i get to UK to buy it. But would like to swop thoughts.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/02/2014 19:15

gr8
Remember that no abuser is awful all the time. If they were you'd leave straight away because there would be nothing to keep you attached. They turn nasty, then they turn nice so you think the nasty has gone away, once you've let your guard down, they turn nasty again.

If you find yourself second guessing your actions in a case it might upset him even when he isn't there then you start to realise just how much you have internalised that their feelings take priority. You sound a bit like you are worried you will hurt him by leaving because he has trained you to put his feelings first. Ask yourself, did he worry about hurting your or your DC's feelings when he was being abusive?

BTW it's much easier to see the patterns and the script from the outside than when you are stuck right in the middle of it all.

gr8kids · 01/02/2014 19:22

That's just it you know, he's obviously trained me well. Im so used to been worried about how he's going to feel or react to everything i do. You know this morning when he spoke to my ds (6 years) for the first time since Monday, my husband asked him what he'd been doing all week and my ds said smiling. I haven't told ds what to say at all. My husband didn't quite (or want to) hear what he'd said and asked him to repeat it, when my ds said again he'd been smiling all week my husband went silent. Out of the mouth of babes hey.

OP posts:
pointythings · 01/02/2014 19:24

So let each one of those little things pile up in your head to chip away at the 'training' he has put you through. The fog is lifting for you. Flowers

TimeToPassGo · 01/02/2014 19:37

OP I have just read this thread and I am a bit concerned that you have given a lot of details about your plans including rough locations. It would be worth you getting this thread deleted and starting a new one maybe in a less visited part of the site. You can always PM posters with new thread details. MNHQ will advise you on a good place to post to maximise your privacy.

Good luck x

FanFuckingTastic · 01/02/2014 19:42

Mumsnet might be able to remove locations and the like, rather than deleting. But if not, do start another thread without locations or dates, just in case he has an idea of how Mumsnet works.

gr8kids · 02/02/2014 21:54

Thanks Fan, I'll be sorting that out tomorrow with help of MNHQ. Really can't come quick enough getting out of here. He arranged to meet for a coffee with my dd (19) and has told her how lonely he is and that's why he has only told his parents that we are separated for a while because if they knew then they would take my side and he has nobody. More shit flowing from his mouth.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 03/02/2014 01:06

I'm going through all the suvivor stories on womens aid and I keep comparing mine with theirs. Mine just doesn't seem as bad.

I don't think I have ever seen a woman dealing with domestic abuse on Mumsnet who hasn't said that. For the record, yours sounds pretty fucking appalling to me. Glad you are going to talk to MN about how to ensure your privacy with this one, and so glad to hear you're taking the necessary steps.

gr8kids · 03/02/2014 20:55

Well heedless if each day wake up feeling more positive and Im planning things for summer already. Whether that's a bit premature or what i don't know but feels good. I do feel more angry towards him with every next day. And maybe it's for his benefit as well victim don't see him because i might just regret it, by attacking him! Even the mention of his name makes me want to be sick! Piece of shit that he is!

OP posts:
gr8kids · 03/02/2014 20:58

Auto correct gone mental, apologies.

OP posts:
gr8kids · 03/02/2014 21:22

Question, is it normal to have had couple envy? I would ALWAYS look at other couples and wait to see if there was any tension between them like i lived with, but when that didn't happen i wished for what they had.

OP posts:
livingzuid · 03/02/2014 21:29

gr8kids I just had a read of your thread and have no advice just wanted to say how wonderfully well you are handling the situation and hope you get it sorted out.

This may be too early days for you but will you be seeking a divorce and getting legal advice when back in the UK? I imagine you'd like a lot of distance between you and your H before you do anything but it might be an idea to get some legal advice soon so you know where you stand. Was just thinking of your worry over furniture and money etc. He doesn't have a leg to stand on in that regard and can't use it to control you.

Thinking of you and wishing you well Thanks

foolonthehill · 03/02/2014 21:34

I always had couple envy and also fantasised about "D"H not returning or having some non-painful but terminal disease....really not normal though, a sign of the relationships we are/were in

I recommend "When Dad Hurts Mom" by Bancroft and Silverman

and also reading the links here support thread

You are going to be fine...just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep reaching out for help and support.

livingzuid · 03/02/2014 21:34

And he sounds exceedingly dangerous. I would be really refusing all communication with him unless someone else was present such as your welfare officer or a lawyer.

My grandmother was the same. Abusers have no 'type' in that sense. She was five foot nothing and sweet faced sitting with her knitting. Almost silent most of the time but when she got a cane in her hand my grandad, mum and her sisters had to run and hide. One of my aunts still has the scars and we were never allowed alone with her. Funny though as they all talk about it like it was completely normal to grow up in such violence. It isn't of course, and it's not normal for you either. Quiet types mean nothing!

gr8kids · 04/02/2014 11:42

I will certainly be getting some legal advice. You know I also got quite depressed and stressed out because I didn't know why I lost my sex drive. But I'm realising it's because he did nothing for me and actually the thought of sex with him repulsed me. This is quite embarrassing to admit but just in this week he's been gone I certainly got my mojo back. And it's DEFINITELY NOT FOR HIM!!!! Actually it's not for anyone in particular but I all of a sudden feel like having sex. Is this me been sick or what????

OP posts:
gr8kids · 04/02/2014 15:22

Maybe that was too much information. How silly do i feel now Blush

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 04/02/2014 15:24

don't worry. see it as you coming alive again, as you free yourself from him.