My engagement mess!! How do I chill?

[SlaughteredWriter]

Backstory is that DP wasn't that bothered about us getting married, he was in a long, unhappy marriage before and it put him off for life. I on the other hand have never been married and it is VERY important to me. I told DP this and he said if it's important to me, we'll do it.

Time goes by and the subject never rears its head again, despite numerous opportunity for it to do so. I start to worry that this will never happen for us and didn't want to waste both our time on a relationship that would ultimately hit a stone wall so I brought it up again - told DP my concerns, told him he needed to make up his mind either way so that I could base my own decisions on it and he needed to do it soon. He said "ok, we'll get married." I said "when?" and he said "well, we'll get engaged and then start planning the wedding."

Ok so it seems like I have what I wanted right? but no I couldn't leave it like that! I want a definite engagement! I tried to explain in a mix of jumbled up words and we finally came to the conclusion that we would get on with getting me measured for a ring this friday - he would then buy me a ring and "propose" to me at some point in the very near future - so I still get my "proposal" etc.

Now I'm worrying that he doesn't really want to do this and I've backed him into a corner - we are supposed to be measuring for a ring on Friday, what if he doesn't mention it all week? do I bring it up again or leave it until Friday and if still no mention, assume he doesn't really want it?

I know this is more of a big deal to me than it is to him but I need to know he actually wants to marry me at least and I'm becoming obsessed with it, why isn't he mentioning it? dare I look forward to Friday? Does anyone understand? :-( I'm mid 30s btw, not 16

You sound 16. Why do you want a fake 'proposal'? You're scaring him off.

Is there a reason you need a proposal? You clearly want to be married. Of course you say yes, would it not feel fake?

My dp has never wanted to be married. I would have liked to but it never happened. Id rather be as we are. I want him. Not a ring.

My dp has never wanted to be married. I would have liked to but it never happened. Id rather be as we are. I want him. Not a ring.

My dp has never wanted to be married. I would have liked to but it never happened. Id rather be as we are. I want him. Not a ring.

Sounds like you need to talk it through some more. He might be happy to get married for you to feel secure, but can't get excited about it all.

Just let him know that he doesn't have to be gushing about it but you do need him to be consistent and reliable about what he agrees/promises.

My dad remarried because his now wife had never been married and really, really wanted and needed to. He had no desire to be married again. However he wanted to be with her for life and did it as a gift to her.

She did all the organising etc.

See this is the problem - I don't need a proposal - my idea was that we'll go and pick a ring together and just become engaged - he said that was weird and not normal and he wanted to buy it and propose to me with it.

That is fake isn't it - I'm worrying it's a stalling technique I think.

I'm really looking forward to your wedding planning threads.

Gosh, are women still this needy? Just propose to HIM! He's not a god, he's not in charge, just go and get married fgs!

See that's another thing! I'm no bridezilla - I don't need a massive do, posh dress and luxury cars - I'm happy with a quick registry office affair and a few drinks and buffet for close people afterwards - it doesn't need to be a massive deal. I want a marriage, not the wedding

Ah, just seen your latest message. Apologies.

Do you want the a wedding or a marriage.

You to to discuss what you want and why, but only after him expressing what he doesn't want and why. You need to get him to talk rather than making this like an ultimatum to him.

If he really is that anti marriage and just wanted a lifetime partnership without it, would you leave him?

OP, I think you need to establish why getting married is very important to you. Afterall, marriage really is only a bit of paper and just because you are married it does not mean that you will be happier or more secure. Your DP obviously has had a bad experience of marriage and I can totally understand his reluctance to go through it again. Be careful that you don't become so obsessed with the idea of being married that you scare him off.

It's fair enough you want to get married and made that clear. Not sure why you're getting a hard time.

I think you shouldn't mention it, see if he brings it up. If he doesn't, well, you have an answer of sorts. I guess your choices then are to go ahead with marriage, assuming he is happy to go along, knowing he's not really into it (which isn't necessarily the same thing as being not that into you), or put up with not marrying. Or leave.

But if he says he'll buy a ring and propose there is no problem is there? And if he doesn't actually propose, just wear the ring, asume you're engaged and set a wedding date.

I'm not surprised you want to be married. I like being married.

Marriage is NOT just a piece if paper. Definitely not legally, and not emotionally for a lot of people too.

If marriage is that important to you and your DP has agreed to do it, I think you should scrap the engagement (which means absolutely nothing in legal terms) and just get on with being married.

Why not wait until Friday and see what happens? You'll get an answer one way or another, won't you.

Maybe you should try working on your communication before you actually tie the knot though.

I just don't understand why it has to be such a massive deal. A cheapish engagement ring is around £400 ... I could buy the marriage license and book the ceremony for less than that! it just seems daft. Like I said, it's not the wedding I want, it's marriage.

But then if I say to him "lets just scrap the engagement and just get on with the marriage!" its going to look like I'm just railroading him into it.

His timescale is get engaged in the near future (whatever that means, that could mean within the month or within the year couldn't it!) and get married next summer. Is that reasonable?

I think it's reasonable if a date is set for next year, yes. Sounds normal to me.

I find the setting a date to get engaged thing a bit weird. If you have decided to get married, then you are engaged aren't you, even without the proposal and ring?

He is not as excited at the prospect of marriage as you are, but he has still agreed to get married. If he didn't want to get married then he would have probably put it off, made excuses etc. Enjoy buying your ring. I wonder what he will do to propose. Please update us!

Yes Oranges, that was my argument!
Also he said to me "don't go announcing it yet as it's not official yet is it"

My spidey senses are just screaming out at me "STALLING!"

I think you are right on the stalling business really. If its turning you paranoid, anxious and doubtful, its not a great way to go about it. Can't he see that?

Next summer is plenty of time to organise a wedding. Are children on the cards and is that something you agree on?

Do you want children? Would be want children if he didn't want to get married?