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Original poster

My engagement mess!! How do I chill?

137 replies

SlaughteredWriter · 27/01/2014 16:31

Backstory is that DP wasn't that bothered about us getting married, he was in a long, unhappy marriage before and it put him off for life. I on the other hand have never been married and it is VERY important to me. I told DP this and he said if it's important to me, we'll do it.

Time goes by and the subject never rears its head again, despite numerous opportunity for it to do so. I start to worry that this will never happen for us and didn't want to waste both our time on a relationship that would ultimately hit a stone wall so I brought it up again - told DP my concerns, told him he needed to make up his mind either way so that I could base my own decisions on it and he needed to do it soon. He said "ok, we'll get married." Confused I said "when?" and he said "well, we'll get engaged and then start planning the wedding."

Ok so it seems like I have what I wanted right? but no I couldn't leave it like that! I want a definite engagement! I tried to explain in a mix of jumbled up words and we finally came to the conclusion that we would get on with getting me measured for a ring this friday - he would then buy me a ring and "propose" to me at some point in the very near future - so I still get my "proposal" etc.

Now I'm worrying that he doesn't really want to do this and I've backed him into a corner - we are supposed to be measuring for a ring on Friday, what if he doesn't mention it all week? do I bring it up again or leave it until Friday and if still no mention, assume he doesn't really want it?

I know this is more of a big deal to me than it is to him but I need to know he actually wants to marry me at least and I'm becoming obsessed with it, why isn't he mentioning it? dare I look forward to Friday? Does anyone understand? :-( I'm mid 30s btw, not 16 Grin

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 27/01/2014 17:03

Surely you are already engaged if you have agreed to get married?????

A proposal after already agreeing to get married is a bit strange isn't it?

DontCallMeDaughter · 27/01/2014 17:04

My best friend went and chose a ring with her partner and then he hid it until he was "ready" to propose. The whole thing was all a bit odd, it took him nearly 6 months to get around to it so she was in this weird semi-engaged state for ages. I wouldn't recommend it. If you've agreed to get married then you're already engaged, ring or not.

I find it a bit odd when you ask if you should talk to him about it... If you're ready to marry him, I sort of think you should be able to talk about these things... And he should be able to tell you if he really doesn't want to do it. Honesty about how you feel is really important in a marriage.

Just ask him tonight... Are we doing this thing on Friday or is your heart not in it?

Then you'll know for sure rather than speculating here!!

forevermore · 27/01/2014 17:05

I could never marry under duress. Not could I accept this proposal at gunpoint. I think you either stay as you are or move on.

whattoWHO · 27/01/2014 17:06

If you've agreed to get married next summer, how would he react if you started booking appointments/viewings at potential venues? Or suggested to him that you make an appointment to talk to the register office?
It sounds as though he sees that marriage is important to you, but hasn't understood why.
I think you need to talk with him about this a bit more - you're both trying to guess what each other is thinking/feeling.

GarlicReturns · 27/01/2014 17:06

My suggestions:

  1. Agree a date to get married. Six months to a year is normal.
  2. Pick your own ring - for best value, choose vintage or have it made.
  3. Tell him that's your choice, no stress, go out for dinner to celebrate.
  4. Enjoy :)
Original poster
SlaughteredWriter · 27/01/2014 17:09

So in theory then would it be reasonable of me to say to him "we're already engaged as we've agreed to marry - that's what getting engaged is - so shall we choose a ring together?"

I don't want to railroad him into anything but at the same time I don't want to faff about waiting around forever - I don't need all the romance and tradition - let's just get on with it! or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 27/01/2014 17:09

Actually, to me it could be that he wants to have something better to tell people than "we just discussed it and decided to get married" if you are buying a ring on Friday, that's the start of Feb, do you think he wants to propose on Valentines so you've got a "story" of the engagement? (Better than Cherie Blair's one, apparently Tony asked her to marry him when she was on her knees cleaning the loo, surely he could have found a more romantic moment?!?!)

I also think the timing sounds about right, just over a year, particulary if he comes from a family who see weddings as a 'social/family event' not just 'two people getting married' - often families are happy for couples not to be married, but are not happy if they do get married to miss having at leat family there. That can get pricy.

If no grand proposal has happened by the end of Feb, tell him you'd like to just wear the ring and tell people you are engaged. If he wants to get down on one knee, he's welcome to do that in your living room right now!

Then get on with the planning, if he seems to be stalling about setting budgets and booking venues etc, then you have something to worry about, but going this week to buy a ring and wanting to arrange a nice proposal doesn't sound stalling. It sounds like while he isn't really fussed about geting married, if he is doing, he wants to do it "right".

GarlicReturns · 27/01/2014 17:10

Sorry, I meant to explain. Sounds like "getting married" means a very specific sequence of events to him, probably the same as he did before. This is likely to cause anxiety between you, and will come with an air of fear for him - will it be better/worse/same as first wedding, will marriage fail as before, etc? Taking charge and smoothing over all this might help him switch out of 'anxious groom-to-be' mode and chunter along nicely with your far less formal requirements.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 27/01/2014 17:10

I hate it when people say "marriage is just a piece of paper" - it's not, it's so much more than that.

OP, if you want to get married, get married. Why do you need a big engagement? DP and I decided we wanted to get married, we measured my finger and he picked out a ring. The next day he proposed and we went to the pub for lunch :)

Original poster
SlaughteredWriter · 27/01/2014 17:12

oh no we're not buying the ring on Friday - he made that very clear. We're just going to look at them Confused

(See why I'm worried?!)

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 27/01/2014 17:12

oh and romance isn't just for woman. If he wants a bit of romance in the proposal, play along even if it seems silly to you. (there was something really sweet about seeing DH look really nervous when he proposed, even though we'd been living together for a few years, had discussed marriage - and he knew it was important to me so I'd say yes - he still had a moment of panic when it came to getting down on one knee and asking.)

GarlicReturns · 27/01/2014 17:12

Dont - Same thought, different conclusions!

Fairenuff · 27/01/2014 17:20

You and your dp need to be able to talk about things that are troubling you. This is no way to enter a marriage, fretting on the internet.

Talk to him today. Tell him that you don't want a fancy proposal, you want to go together to choose a ring and to wear it on your finger when he takes you out for dinner that evening.

Then, the next day, you want to set a date for the wedding and announce the engagement to family and friends. This is what you want and you should be honest with him about that.

Then ask him if that is all acceptable to him. If not, find out which bits he is not agreeable to and why. Talk it over, see if you can find some compromise. If you can't agree on this, I would think twice about getting married tbh.

Twinklestein · 27/01/2014 17:20

You're going to look at a ring but not buy one? This is bullshit.

He doesn't want to get married, but he doesn't want the relationship to end so he will just fudge the issue until you drop it (he hopes).

Have you got kids?

LEMmingaround · 27/01/2014 17:24

You are going to push him away :(

ContentedSidewinder · 27/01/2014 17:24

This worries me, you are only looking at rings on Friday. Then it is meant to be down to him to propose at some stage in the future.

It all feels wrong, if you have agreed to get married then you are already engaged. Ring or not. Lots of people do it this way and then go and choose a ring together.

Dh and I discussed marriage, agreed it was what we both wanted but he didn't want the responsibility of choosing a ring that I may not like. So we went and bought the ring together, then he proposed. To both of us it felt strange but he wanted a ring to propose with. That was 17 years ago now.

You should be looking to actually buy the ring, you are after all engaged. You have agreed that you will get married, that is what an engagement is.

One of my friend's boyfriend never asked her to marry him, he just said, let's get engaged. They are still not married some 19 years on. But then he never said will you marry me Sad

LEMmingaround · 27/01/2014 17:24

You are going to push him away :(

LEMmingaround · 27/01/2014 17:25

You are going to push him away :(

ZenNudist · 27/01/2014 17:29

Yes he's stalling. Tell him you're not interested in engagement nonsense. As you've agreed to marry you are now engaged. If he won't let you tell people he is placating you and has no intention of following through.

I'd look into registry office & nearby nice restaurant. Find out nearest dates to a timeframe you are comfortable with. Suggest skipping rings etc and just going with a great simple wedding.

Dsis had registry office & nice meal, posh non-wedding dress, spruced up her dh is a nice suit, no cake, no flowers, no engagement ring, lovely expensive delicate wedding band that's really unusual. 25 close friends & family. Job done & organised in no time flat. Oh & a fab 2 weeks in France eating all their favourite foods and walking (so not my kind of holiday, let alone honeymoon!).

If he's not bothered about getting married any lip service to traditions or wedding planning is BS designed to put it all off & buy him breathing space.

I'm not sure if id be willing to take reluctant agreement as a basis for a lifetime together.

If you take the tack of ignoring the wedding traditions. That should give him less to stall about. Also I wouldn't hector him any more. If he's said he's happy to marry then you need to work on that basis. Ask him what his preferences are about weddings. If he tries to make it into a complex longtime organisation thing just ask to compromise to a quicker easier solution.

WipsGlitter · 27/01/2014 17:31

How long have you been together?

Quinteszilla · 27/01/2014 17:31

Better push him away now, then live in Limbo while he keeps stalling, until he meets a woman he suddenly DOES want to get married to.

I think often it is not a question of whether or not to get married, but that the person has to be right.

I guess he just has not met the right person you. Sad Shame you seem to have.

Quinteszilla · 27/01/2014 17:31

than live in limbo I meant

diddl · 27/01/2014 17:34

If you've agreed to marry then you're engaged!

My now husband asked me on a fri night & then next day we chose a ring together.

Picked it up a week later as it needed sizing, put it on & then went & told parents that we had decided to get married.

He doesn't sound keen though!

Just seems to be saying what you want to hear.

So what that he's been married before-why does that mean that he doesn't want to marry you?

OpalQuartz · 27/01/2014 17:34

But you are being measured for a ring this friday you said though? Do you want to choose the ring yourself? If so start looking for rings and then if he seems reluctant to order one then you can worry he is stalling as he needs the ring to then propose. If no proposal happens then you can start thinking it is stalling. I'd give him a chance first

Original poster
SlaughteredWriter · 27/01/2014 17:36

Ok so I'm thinking my options are:

a) Give him until the end of feb just incase he's wanting to do the valentines thing

b) just tell him tonight that we might as well buy the ring together at weekend as we're already engaged in theory.

OP posts:
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