My engagement mess!! How do I chill?

[SlaughteredWriter]

Backstory is that DP wasn't that bothered about us getting married, he was in a long, unhappy marriage before and it put him off for life. I on the other hand have never been married and it is VERY important to me. I told DP this and he said if it's important to me, we'll do it.

Time goes by and the subject never rears its head again, despite numerous opportunity for it to do so. I start to worry that this will never happen for us and didn't want to waste both our time on a relationship that would ultimately hit a stone wall so I brought it up again - told DP my concerns, told him he needed to make up his mind either way so that I could base my own decisions on it and he needed to do it soon. He said "ok, we'll get married." I said "when?" and he said "well, we'll get engaged and then start planning the wedding."

Ok so it seems like I have what I wanted right? but no I couldn't leave it like that! I want a definite engagement! I tried to explain in a mix of jumbled up words and we finally came to the conclusion that we would get on with getting me measured for a ring this friday - he would then buy me a ring and "propose" to me at some point in the very near future - so I still get my "proposal" etc.

Now I'm worrying that he doesn't really want to do this and I've backed him into a corner - we are supposed to be measuring for a ring on Friday, what if he doesn't mention it all week? do I bring it up again or leave it until Friday and if still no mention, assume he doesn't really want it?

I know this is more of a big deal to me than it is to him but I need to know he actually wants to marry me at least and I'm becoming obsessed with it, why isn't he mentioning it? dare I look forward to Friday? Does anyone understand? :-( I'm mid 30s btw, not 16

Does he often go back and forth on decisions like this OP? Like if you're planning a holiday is it budget one day and luxury the next?

It just doesn't sound like he wants to do it. The amount spent is completely irrelevant - you just set a budget you can afford and you do that. Have a honeymoon, or don't, or whatever. But I certainly couldn't be doing with this whole business where one day Friday is just for looking at rings, nothing may be bought, another day it's full on and you've got to spend a shitload to make it look right in front of the neighbours, another day it's we're doing it on the cheap.

I think it may be understandable that he's wobbly about marrying for the second time, but he needs to make up his mind. If he doesn't want to do it, that's his choice and you can then decide what you will do as a result, but blowing hot and cold is just too stressful.

Slaughtered think very carefully if this man is worth your devotion. Unless you have shared values and goals, in my opinion you are in for trouble down the line. You will never have peace of mind how this pans out and will always feel you pushed him into it. No doubt he may throw that accusation at you when times get rough?

Speaking from experience - I too got a gobstopper ring. My instinct told me to get out years before I did, but I ignored it and now am left with such anger but also the dread of hearing that he is getting married to someone else!!!!

For all that though it was not right and it is just my ego that is bruised.
Good luck. :)

He's dicking you around.

If I were you, I would just say NOTHING about weddings until the next time he mentions it, then act totally underwhelmed and say something like 'I don't know, I didn't realise organising a wedding was going to be so much aggro. Maybe let's just leave it for now' and see how he reacts.

Tbh he doesn't sound like that much of a catch. If he's not exciting about marrying you then what's the point? He sounds like he's taking it all for granted.

this really, really doesn't sound like its much fun for either of you, does it?

I've just read this thread again OP and really can't decide whether he just isn't that into the idea of getting married or whether he has a very fixed idea of what an engagement and wedding should look like and is stressing about living up to, and paying for, his own daft expectations.

If it's the latter then you need to be direct about it with him. You could solve that by going to a registry office together and telling everyone afterwards if you wanted to. Or there are lots of other solutions. If it's the former, you know it won't go the distance. Sorry.

Oh dear.

As you are worried about the stalling thing this is what I would do. You have made it plain to him what you want so.....you are already engaged as of the point where he said you were going to get married. Whether a ring appears or not. I would just go quiet. If he pushes on with the ring, down on one knee thing etc. and the marriage arrangements himself a bit, great. If he doesn't he had no intention of doing so and this is the only way you are going to know, by his actions, not his responding to your questions/talk about marriage. This way you wil have the most true prepresentation of the facts.
When I met DH, he told me on our first date that he did not want to get narried again (!). He then proposed to me (without a ring - just asked me) I said yes and he bought me the ring I wanted and arranged the wedding entirely. All I did was sort my outfit and give him a list of my rellies. I know this was unusual but I was working full time and he was not working at all at that time but at least I know the marriage was what he wanted. After ten years of my cooking he may feel different but that's a whole differnet thread!

Different thread even :)

Run, OP, run like the clappers.
No one should play with your emotions like that.
He's fannying around - let him go fanny around with some poor other schmuck!

It is a conundrum. You are damned if you say something, you are damned if you don't.

I believe it is pivotal that you understand that, imho, he has engineered this template to continue this dynamic with you. It is controlling.

I was also that he actually said he wished to time telling his mother so he could get something out of her for it. Dipped his hand a bit there, didn't he? That is controlling and manipulative.

It seems like it is a one way street. When it is time for him to put out, he isn't playing.

I agree with Dannae. You have had your say. So let it rest. But give it a private deadline, and then you act...meaning move on. You do not need a big blow up or to even give an explanation. You will have your answer, there is really nothing left to discuss.

End of the month is good, imho. You can have a fantastic birthday on your own. And you know if he says he was going to do it on your birthday, that is just another line of bullsh*t manipulation. And so the tissy fit that now he is not (!!) going to do it, you will rest assured that he is doing you a favor.
Let him go.

ATBP is right. I was going to say the same. Say no another word about marriage. Decide for yourself what the deadline is for he hasn't asked me so I am leaving and stick to it.

In my younger years I had 3 engagement rings and I am certain not a single one of them wanted to actually marry me though one "allowed" me to buy my dress.

When DH asked, I knew he really meant it and he confirmed this by saying he didn't want a long engagement and we picked the day that day and booked the Church the next.

Good luck.

TBH I can't help thinking that if a man wants to do X at a certain time and it is upsetting his partner to make her wait then a lovely thing to do would be to compromise, surely? Oh, I see, yep, controlling.

Thanks again for the replies guys.

Well he bought me a ring yesterday, the one I wanted and bought it there and then. He's put it away and intends to give me it on valentines day but keeps telling me that we're not engaged yet and nothing is "official". Why all the dicking around? Anyway, I said to him "so after valentines day then I can announce it to the world?" and he said "err yeah, just let me tell my kids first ... and you tell your kids ... and we'll tell my mum and your mum and then I suppose you can tell whoever.

It just seems stupid. I have a ring sitting there that I can't wear, We've agreed to marry and discussed budgets and venues etc yet we're not "officially" engaged and I can't even tell my best friend that I'm getting married. It all seems unnecessarily complicated.

Another one was last night we were on about a holiday next year and how we'll afford it with the wedding and I said we should just do it the year after. Well you should have seen his face light up until I corrected him and said I meant the holiday, not the wedding.

Also he wants to wait until next October or thereabouts - well over a year away, nearly two years! I suggested bringing the wedding forward a bit so that we're not a) getting married in winter and b) not getting married too near Christmas but he ruled that out straight away. God forbid we do the dreaded deed earlier than we need to eh!

Do you actually feel like he wants to be with you long term, but just doesn't really fancy marriage? I would increasingly feel like he just wasn't sure about the relationship.

Congratulations. You are the proud owner of a very expensive gobstopper, or at least you will be if he ever gives it to you.

Hmm. I agree with Bogey

You not actually see that ring again.

Even if you do, it's clear he doesn't want to marry you.

I think you deserve better.

You may not...

His attitude would piss me right off.

Gosh SW, I'm more of a naughty lurker than a poster but really need to add a cautionary story about my sister. And having read through your thread, it seems clear to me that your gut instinct is screaming at you that this is not right!!!
The comment about his face lighting up tells everything. He really doesn't want to get married (at the moment?) and I think you know it. If he did, he would be shouting it from the roof, telling everyone you know? That's what you deserve the first time (for you) you get engaged, really.. Not this confusing mess that is making you feel like shite. It is not on.
Not that I necessarily believe in fairytales,happyendings flowers unicorns and disney prince charmings.. BUT it really needs to be better than this!!
Call him on his bullshit, tell him ok let's postpone it all and see how he reacts? If he seems happy and relieved you will get your answer and as painful as it will be, wouldn't it be worse if you carried on through with planning the wedding for him to get worse and more difficult with every step of the way... potentially married to someone who resents it? Or just forget about it and make peace that you will be married eventually?
Crikey really sorry to be such a voice of doom and possibly in his world he really is all fine with this but you are obviously not.

So my sister was with a guy (who btw I never liked) for 7 years she was desperate to get married and start a family. Finally they got engaged but she wasn't allowed to tell anyone, even had a ring she wasn't 'allowed' to wear (total control freak) they started wedding planning and every step of the way he stalled it, dragged her round 100's of venues each one wasn't right apart from ridiculously expensive ones like Savoy??!! Deluded. My parents were expected to foot the bill and ones he like which was in their budget they absolutely hated but were prepared to go along with for my sis to be happy. And even then he found fault. Honestly nothing was right. Months and months went by, my sister postponed the wedding date and eventually dumped his ass. He had a million excuses why they couldn't get married and the wedding fiasco compounded it. Thank god was all I say and now we are so relieved as he was NOT THE RIGHT ONE.

You deserve to be listened to and treated respectfully about this by him.

I dont want to be blunt but here goes.

HE DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU, THIS WILL ONLY END IN HEART ACHE FOR YOU.

I did the same thing as you half hearted proposal, wouldn't tell anyone, no family for months. I even planned the wedding etc and it imploded the week before. I should have seen the signs instead I ended up single cause I wanted marriage and children more than being just a girl freind ( dumped and alone is not nice)

Stop pushing and have an honest chat, my bet is he doesn't want to marry you only keep you happy which wont work in the long run.

Im now happily married with two children, imo I had a lucky escape

I don't even know you, but from reading this thread I am certain that you can do - and deserve - better than this guy. Your emotions are clouding your judgement here - and he knows it. In fact he's probably counting on it. If you want to get married and you're in your mid-30s, I don't know why you're wasting some very precious years with someone who seemingly doesn't feel the same way. He shouldn't be making you feel ashamed for wanting to get married. If it's this difficult now, I think you're in for a rocky road.

Sw, in your last post you really seem completely aware of hat is going on here. You OH does not want to get married. His face 'lit up' when he thought you meant delay by a year? That is not a good reaction. Not good at all.

Why are your expectations for yourself so low? You do know that this is not normal? Many men are as excited and happy to marry their partners as women, some more so,some less so. And you OH falls most certainly in the last category. He is unenthusiastic to be marry you. That must feel like shite, and I feel for you.

He is being very controlling - I mean, if you are engaged you shouldn't need his permission to tell peopel.

Slaughtered, only you know him well enough to decide 1) He is a bit of a perfectionist which is why he picked Valentines day and it will be lovely and you are overthinking it all and worrying but he actually wanted to get married all along (just when it was all perfect) or 2) He is literally going along with it for a quiet life but actually does not want to, ie the glittery, made to measure solitaire 'gobstopper'. Don't tell us though, tell yourself. If it's the former - great but if you have any doubt there may be shades of the latter, don't do it to yourself. My sister was not honest with herself with her first marriage. Her first DH wanted to postpone until he was sure but she insisted it was either on or off. He agreed to 'on' under that ultimatum and it lasted two years. Everyone else could see it. I think she could too actually but would rather have chewed her own arm off than admit it! I think you are made of better stuff than her as it goes but if there is any doubt I your mind, don't get married, don't accept and tell him you think he has doubts and thus so do you. Only marry under as close to ideal circumstances as you can imagine, anything less is......less.

Is he wanting to propose to you in front of other people on Valentine's Day? (I have heard about this happening, although it sounds utterly dire).

Well, earlier today I suggested that we stop faffing about, bring the wedding forward to July and go on a family holiday to Portugal as a honeymoon/holiday for our teens. I also said that as that would be a summer wedding we'd need to get on with booking it soon and stop the pratting about. Surprisingly, he agreed to all of it.

So I have a new plan. Our finances are pooled, whatever we earn goes into joint account and all expenses come out of that. What I'm going to do however is save £500 a month in my own account for the wedding and holiday. If worse comes to worse and this is all a load of shit, I'll take the money and run ;-)