My engagement mess!! How do I chill?

[SlaughteredWriter]

Backstory is that DP wasn't that bothered about us getting married, he was in a long, unhappy marriage before and it put him off for life. I on the other hand have never been married and it is VERY important to me. I told DP this and he said if it's important to me, we'll do it.

Time goes by and the subject never rears its head again, despite numerous opportunity for it to do so. I start to worry that this will never happen for us and didn't want to waste both our time on a relationship that would ultimately hit a stone wall so I brought it up again - told DP my concerns, told him he needed to make up his mind either way so that I could base my own decisions on it and he needed to do it soon. He said "ok, we'll get married." I said "when?" and he said "well, we'll get engaged and then start planning the wedding."

Ok so it seems like I have what I wanted right? but no I couldn't leave it like that! I want a definite engagement! I tried to explain in a mix of jumbled up words and we finally came to the conclusion that we would get on with getting me measured for a ring this friday - he would then buy me a ring and "propose" to me at some point in the very near future - so I still get my "proposal" etc.

Now I'm worrying that he doesn't really want to do this and I've backed him into a corner - we are supposed to be measuring for a ring on Friday, what if he doesn't mention it all week? do I bring it up again or leave it until Friday and if still no mention, assume he doesn't really want it?

I know this is more of a big deal to me than it is to him but I need to know he actually wants to marry me at least and I'm becoming obsessed with it, why isn't he mentioning it? dare I look forward to Friday? Does anyone understand? :-( I'm mid 30s btw, not 16

You must be gutted OP, this can't be what you were hoping for.

I think he wants to avoid directly confronting you, preferring to rewrite history as if you had actually agreed something different. He's blown hot and cold on this before - just because he's currently in a 'hot' phase doesn't actually mean he's now committed to the 'get married in 2013' plan.

I would test the water by saying you don't want to wait for Valentine's Day, you want to go public tomorrow and start asking people closest to you to save dates in July, before they book their summer hols.

Ah SW that is great that he agreed to it sans fuss! Congratulations!!! Do you feel relieved/ more secure about it?
Wishing you all the best and that it does go smoothly and you have a wonderful day. Plus would love t know how the proposal goes.
Good luck love.. And if it goes tits up the alternate plan sounds a winner!! Xx

I would hold fire on pooling your money.

You want to get married. You want to marry him as you love him and he is there. But surely, surely this isn't how you dreamt it would be? A man who wants to marry you wants to marry you ASAP, tell the world, share the joy etc etc.

Was the ring very expensive? I am just thinking if it wasn't then he is hedging his bets for not much loss.

TBH I am really hoping this falls through as it all sounds so much like he is showing you a cake but telling you it is for someone else to eat. Why do you want to marry someone who is such a dick?

When DH and I got engaged there wasn't even a discussion about who we would tell and when. We had the day he proposed to ourselves then told his parents the next day. He didn't "stop" me telling anyone and he was as involved in all the planning as I was.

Twoshootingstars - have you read the thread?? .

I don't mean to jump in but... OP said herself that "DP wasn't that bothered about us getting married, he was in a long, unhappy marriage before and it put him off for life."

This doesn't excuse him being an ass messing you around with money but I think you should remember that he won't be super enthusiastic because for one he's doing it for you and for another he's probably ranted to the people in his life "I will NEVER marry again" and is going to come across a massive hypocrite.

look he either wants to marry you or not

this sounds like nOT

Along the lines of yozora 's and DrNick 's post, he told you, SlaughteredWriter, in the very beginning his stance on marriage. You have chosen to not listen to him, ignore and not respect what he said. Imho, this hot and cold dance originates there.

Certainly, some people can and do change their mind. But it is they who change their mind for themselves...not from having someone else change their mind for them, iyswim.

Sorry, the future does not look bright for your relationship even if you do achieve the wedding day you want so much. Imho, do not marry him; skip the divorce.

The trouble is for the OP and others like her (and me who wasted around five years) is that while you don't want to be wasting your time, if the partner is anything like mine was, his time is not being wasted.

What is to waste? You have a woman who adores you, who provides you with sex, humour and good company and no doubt some cooking and cleaning and you still have your freedom to move on should the whim take you if someone you really DO want to marry pops up.

Depressing but true.

Just for balance. I had a friend who desperately wanted children with his long term love, but she swore she never wanted them as her career was more important.

Eventually he ended the relationship, only for her to find someone else very quickly and was pregnant and happy about it!

Yes toffeeownsthesausage I did read the thread, thanks for the rolly eyes !!
I wrote my own 'caution ahead he's a fuckwit' post on Saturday just after yours.. Was just trying to look on the bright side and following on from SW's update that seemed to have reached a more acceptable solution to her.
I dunno, if it feels ok with you SW and your happy with this then it's done and good luck.. Maybe he's just CRAP/ and inertia Is easier then manning up. I have two different friends who broke up with blokes, long term relationships (10 years for one) because thy hadn't proposed - they both swiftly did and years later still happy/ kids etc etc so needed that kick up the arse to show them what was at stake..would that be the answer to see if he gets how important it is to you?! Who knows??! But the promise of marriage is now there for you and is more concrete than before so I do just hope it is plain sailing from here on in.

I think you want it more than him. By the sounds of it you move to fast for him and he moves too slow for you so there is going to be conflict. I think your rushing things and scaring him off. Your like a whirlwind.

I think if your pushing too much he could feel forced into it, which is why one day you get all happy signs from him then the next he gets cold feet. It's too much.

How long have you been together? He's been married before so really it's no big deal. Your both older and have had kids so what's the rush? I think that's how he sees it anyway. He will be cautious if he's been married before and sees no need to rush.

I think he needs space to work out how he really feels about you. You say you know and are certain. Your also clear in the future you want to be married but I'm bit sure he shares your thoughts. Maybe make things very clear why you want marriage etc then have some time apart.

I was going to say your going to carry on feeling like does he really want this because I think you know he doesn't.