My engagement mess!! How do I chill?

[SlaughteredWriter]

Backstory is that DP wasn't that bothered about us getting married, he was in a long, unhappy marriage before and it put him off for life. I on the other hand have never been married and it is VERY important to me. I told DP this and he said if it's important to me, we'll do it.

Time goes by and the subject never rears its head again, despite numerous opportunity for it to do so. I start to worry that this will never happen for us and didn't want to waste both our time on a relationship that would ultimately hit a stone wall so I brought it up again - told DP my concerns, told him he needed to make up his mind either way so that I could base my own decisions on it and he needed to do it soon. He said "ok, we'll get married." I said "when?" and he said "well, we'll get engaged and then start planning the wedding."

Ok so it seems like I have what I wanted right? but no I couldn't leave it like that! I want a definite engagement! I tried to explain in a mix of jumbled up words and we finally came to the conclusion that we would get on with getting me measured for a ring this friday - he would then buy me a ring and "propose" to me at some point in the very near future - so I still get my "proposal" etc.

Now I'm worrying that he doesn't really want to do this and I've backed him into a corner - we are supposed to be measuring for a ring on Friday, what if he doesn't mention it all week? do I bring it up again or leave it until Friday and if still no mention, assume he doesn't really want it?

I know this is more of a big deal to me than it is to him but I need to know he actually wants to marry me at least and I'm becoming obsessed with it, why isn't he mentioning it? dare I look forward to Friday? Does anyone understand? :-( I'm mid 30s btw, not 16

I wouldn't chill. You are perfectly normal in what you want.

You need a further discussion where you're both frank about what you want and what is going to hsppen - and when!

Hope it all works out for you.

Quint those last two lines are a bit unnecessary!

I tend to agree with quint that when a man says he doesn't want to get married the unspoken subtext is 'to you'.

I have had many friends with marriage refusing boyfriends. Even the most stubborn ones have found someone else to marry after their relationships broke up. It's as if they dig their heels in and your efforts will 'soften him up' for someone else!

Harsh but I guess other people, yourself included, have come across this scenario?

But opal he's already made it clear that he does not want to buy/order a ring on Friday. We're "just looking".

I 'proposed', for want of a much better word, to dh. I said (there were specific circumstances that prompted this, but we hadn't concretely discussed marriage at that point and had been together 'just' two years) 'shall we get married?' The next day was my birthday and we told our friends at my birthday dinner. We bought a ring, a cheap silver job (skint students), a month later. We married 5 months after that, register office, small evening party, minimum of organisation and expense. That was it. I do regret not either having a huge wedding or eloping - what we had was a bit of a compromise - but the marriage has been and is a very happy one, over 13 years later.

That 'shall we get married?' conversation, from either side, is all you need to be engaged. I really wouldn't wait for proposal + ring to appear IIWY. I would talk to him about dates. It may force the moment to its crisis - I hope for you that it doesn't - but either way you will know where you stand.

I'd give him until the end of February, because if you don't you'll always wonder. Then have the talk if he hasn't made a move.

That is a point Fruit - if I force the issue now I'll always wonder if he would have done it off his own back if I'd have left him to it.

I'll give him until the end of feb. But then my birthday is may, what's the betting he doesn't propose in feb, I confront him and he says he was intending to do it on my birthday! You could go on forever with "special dates" - so much easier to just get on with the bloody thing.

Being measured but not allowed to choose is a bit odd. Does he plan to pick it himself? I wouldn't want that as I'd want a ring id picked myself. Maybe give him til after valentines then.

Why does he get to decide you are not buying a ring on Friday. Tell him straight "We are engaged, it is official as we have agreed to get married, so I want to buy the ring this week. If you continue to stall then I can only assume you dont want to get married, so I need some time to think about what I want to do about our relationship"

Put it all out there and tell him to shit or get off the pot. This buggering about is unfair.

He's got you in a really awkward position, no doubt about it.

Perhaps set a date when you want to be married by, and present that to him instead of all this engagement-that-isn't nonsense. If he's not happy with your timeframe, you need to come to a compromise, and if he won't commit to any timeframe (a concrete one, not a wishy washy 'some time the year after next') then I think you have your answer. As others have said, far better to know where you stand, even if it's not the answer you want.

And I don't believe you can push someone away like this, unless they're not that serious in the first place, in which case you'd rather know sooner than later.

Could you ask him to give you a time frame within which he plans to propose? Or tell him he doesn't need to propose as you are happy to go ahead with choosing the ring? Is he saying he will propose because he thinks it's expected? Or because he's an old romantic or something?

Actually, I'd tell him you want to pick your own ring manly because I fear the horror I'd have on my finger should I have just roughly shown DH what I wanted and then left it to him to pick it, and I'd be stuck with the bloody thing for the rest of my life, your DP might have better taste but you are happy to give him a few weeks to propose if he wants to do it as a surprise.

Give him Feb, then in March, push the issue.

I think you need to be clear about what you want and your expectations.

I would say I'm not interested in being proposed to, engagements or anything like that, I just want to be married. What dyou think?

See what Friday brings. He may want to know your ring size and general tastes so he can pick out something for you.

It also makes sense to wait until after valentines Day as so many proposals happen around then.

If you push it now, not only would you run the risk or forcing him into it to keep you, rather than because he wants to be married, but you could also balls up a romantic proposal if he's already planing something.

Either way, if this thread were written from his perspective but as a woman, the responses it would attract would be very different.

Well I'm happy to wait until next year for the wedding, we have so much going on this year that I'm not sure I have the head space for a wedding, not to mention the money but I do want to get on with the engagement.

Don't see the point of a proposal - we've agreed to marry! We ARE engaged, surely?

We even set a rough budget of £400 on the ring ... I've since seen the one I like for £296 ... I couldn't "be" anymore reasonable! lol

Perhaps he is trying to get back the element of surprise by saying you aren't buying the ring this week to do the whole 'getting engaged' thing properly? Perhaps if you found something nice he would say you should get it and surprise you. If you go out looking for a ring you'll expect to come back with something and will be disappointed if you don't.

I only wonder because getting measured for a ring is a bit of weird thing to arrange if there is no ring to measure for. You can probably buy the gadget for measuring fingers yourself - I think bead shops sell them for example. It isn't something to plan for and arrange an outing over.

I wouldn't say anything until the weekend personally. If there is no hint of a ring or a wedding or an agreement for general announcement to the world isn't forthcoming after Friday, I'd be asking what Friday was all about and have a cards on the table chat.

Or is there any chance he already has a ring, inherited or already bought, and all this thing about Friday is part of a bigger surprise?

But OP, you keep saying you don't want the big proposal, can you not accept he might? It might be silly and pointless to you, but if he wants to do it, what harm is there in going along with it? Does it all feel a bit too out of your control?

dontmindifido, he has form for stalling and changing his mind - therefore it feels VERY out of my control. It seems like everything is his decision. One huge difference between us is that he's a "let's plan to do it at some point" kinda guy. I'm a "let's just do it" kinda woman. Life is short.

Don't see the point of a proposal - we've agreed to marry! We ARE engaged, surely?

We even set a rough budget of £400 on the ring ... I've since seen the one I like for £296 ... I couldn't "be" anymore reasonable!

Then tell him that. That's all he needs to know. If he says he wants to propose with a ring, tell him no, that's not what you want. You are already engaged.

Tell him if he wants to be romantic, he can tell you why he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and he can put the ring on your finger once you've bought it. He can plan a meal out, or cook for you and make it as romantic as he wants.

Yes he could be planning a big romantic proposal. He could be planning to get her a massive rock as a surprise. She could potentially spoil this by pushing it.

However, the only person on this thread who knows him is the OP and her instinct is that he is stalling. He isnt bothered about being married but once it is agreed they will, and she says she isnt bothered about fuss he suddenly needs to do a big proposal "at some point in the near future" but wont be drawn on when, needs to make a song and dance about being measured for a ring but states he wont be buying one......

Sorry but I agree with the OP that he is stalling and giving him another month will drag it out further. If she sits him down and asks for a definite time line I dont see how that is pushing him into anything. This is the biggest event of her life so far (assuming no kids!) she has a right to know if a) it is even going to happen and b) if it is, when.

Well then op, give a deadline, you don't have to tell him the deadline, make it in your own head. Decide how long you are prepared to wait for the proposal if you are planning a summer 2015 wedding (I'd say end if March latest, so you can start looking at venues, making plans at Easter, get it all booked a year in advance).

Then see what happens if you don't mention it at all until then. If he acts like he's dodged the bullet and makes no attempt to buy a ring or formally ask you to marry him, or tell people you are engaged, then I think you have to make some harder decisions, is being married a deal breaker? (Personally I think it should be, but different people will accept different things). If being married is a deal breaker, is him wanting to marry you a deal breaker? If he'll do it to keep you happy if you force the issue, will you still not be happy that he's only married you because you made it a "marry me or I'm dumping you" decision. (Obviously you can word it nicer!)

However, if he's a staller about everything, if he's one of those people that rather than deal with upsetting people, will just squirm and avoid doing anything, or one of those people who need to be basically forced to do anything, then will you be happy with him? It sounds like you find that character trait irritating, will it grate that he behaves the same way about every major decision? Can you be happy if you are the one who has to drag him along over actually going anything? (In relationships like that, the 'doer' often ends up doing everything because left to the other, nothing would happen, fine if you like always being the one to do everything, but it's not a very equal relationship in terms of effort put in)

he has form for stalling and changing his mind - therefore it feels VERY out of my control. It seems like everything is his decision.

Don't marry him.

Go and find a nice man who cares about what you want and is keen to make you happy.

Not this dude, who stalls and lies and prevaricates and with whom you are reduced to this nervous wreck.

Really, if you are marrying the right guy the decision to get married is an occasion for the two of you to celebrate.

Whereas he's treating this whole thing as a way to show you who is the boss.

"he has form for stalling and changing his mind - therefore it feels VERY out of my control. "

Is there anything in this relationship that you feel is in your control?

It seems as plain as the nose on my face that this guy just doesn't want to marry you.

I'm not sure why you want to marry him either.

In general, men who are not honest about their emotions and feelings and who fob people off rather than tell the painful truth are NOT good husband or parent material.

Be careful what you wish for. It might come true.

OP I'm with you. You are engaged. But he might not agree. Have you asked him, very straight up, if he considers you to be engaged.

It's possible that he's planning some kind of big proposal and this is important to him. I am constantly amazed by some of the elaborate proposals my male friends insist on. But only you know if this is likely. Your spidey senses are telling you something. You clearly know deep down that he isn't planning some surprise.

If he is doing this I don't think you approaching this rationally and asking for a plan will drive him away. If he's shaken by that then he wasn't that serious about you.

I also don't think you can "force" him to marry you so wouldn't worry about ending up with a reluctant groom. He's been very resilient so far and generally adults don't get bullied into things like that!

I think what is very common, as others have suggested, is that stalling or denials about marriage in general can mean he just doesn't want to marry you.

I also think that if this is just a stalling technique then the image of you standing there getting your ring finger measured is a very cruel one.