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Original poster

My engagement mess!! How do I chill?

137 replies

SlaughteredWriter · 27/01/2014 16:31

Backstory is that DP wasn't that bothered about us getting married, he was in a long, unhappy marriage before and it put him off for life. I on the other hand have never been married and it is VERY important to me. I told DP this and he said if it's important to me, we'll do it.

Time goes by and the subject never rears its head again, despite numerous opportunity for it to do so. I start to worry that this will never happen for us and didn't want to waste both our time on a relationship that would ultimately hit a stone wall so I brought it up again - told DP my concerns, told him he needed to make up his mind either way so that I could base my own decisions on it and he needed to do it soon. He said "ok, we'll get married." Confused I said "when?" and he said "well, we'll get engaged and then start planning the wedding."

Ok so it seems like I have what I wanted right? but no I couldn't leave it like that! I want a definite engagement! I tried to explain in a mix of jumbled up words and we finally came to the conclusion that we would get on with getting me measured for a ring this friday - he would then buy me a ring and "propose" to me at some point in the very near future - so I still get my "proposal" etc.

Now I'm worrying that he doesn't really want to do this and I've backed him into a corner - we are supposed to be measuring for a ring on Friday, what if he doesn't mention it all week? do I bring it up again or leave it until Friday and if still no mention, assume he doesn't really want it?

I know this is more of a big deal to me than it is to him but I need to know he actually wants to marry me at least and I'm becoming obsessed with it, why isn't he mentioning it? dare I look forward to Friday? Does anyone understand? :-( I'm mid 30s btw, not 16 Grin

OP posts:
cindyrella · 27/01/2014 20:10

Sorry, is it not possible that he wants the actual ring and proposal to be secret/special so you're getting your finger sized/looking at rings so he has more to go on? Doomsdayers.

If this is a man you want to marry, you should be able to front up to him & just ask/talk to him. Communication is everything in a relationship.

Good luck.

StrawberryMojito · 27/01/2014 20:11

Don't start another conversation before Friday. See how Friday goes and then yes, if nothing more is said by the end of feb you need to ask if he really does want to get married. It does sound like you a pushing him into something he doesn't want but I don't blame you for being direct about such an important issue. If its important to you than it matters as much as his needs. You need to think what you are going to do if 6 months down the line you still don't have a ring on your finger.

That said if you haven't been together very long (I might have missed it in your posts but can't see how long you've been in a relationship), you need to chill out.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 27/01/2014 20:14

"is it not possible that he wants the actual ring and proposal to be secret/special"

What is remotely "special" about deliberately upsetting the person you are supposed to love so you can please yourself "surprising" them?

Answer: Sweet Fuck All

Just don't marry him. He's known for all this time that you wanted marriage and he's been stringing you along.

There are other men who will make you happier than this one.

ALittleStranger · 27/01/2014 20:20

From a practical POV it's also really silly to wait until after Feb. Depressingly you'll already struggle to find a venue for next summer and you're cutting your odds even more if you want for the post-Valentine's Day bulge.

BuggersMuddle · 27/01/2014 20:37

I can't fathom what's going on in your DP's head, but it doesn't look good.

DP and I knew we would marry years ago, circumstances meant we couldn't do it the way we wanted and we have no DC, so no rush.

I was never in any doubt about commitment though, because he was willing to go ring shopping when I was worried we'd need that budget for something else.

We're now engaged. There was no big proposal. Oddly this didn't bother either of us.

It is of course always possible that he feels he needs to buy into the 'big proposal' model (possibly to take some control back?), but it's a bit daft if you've chosen a ring and had your finger measured Hmm

Helltotheno · 27/01/2014 21:27

OP he's stalling. He doesn't want to get married. Furthermore, he's pretty much told you this in a number of words and actions which you've... well, decided not to listen to really, let's face it. He's going 'looking' at rings with you on Friday because you banged on about it so much that he threw you a bone. Of course you're not engaged. The fact that you think you are is an indicator of how far from being on the same page you both are.

I think you should just put a lot of thought into deciding what your limits are and then set an appropriate time frame.

Fairenuff · 27/01/2014 22:27

I don't understand why posters are saying wait until the end of February. I can see why they might suggest waiting until Valentine's Day. If he doesn't produce a ring then, he's not likely to do so in the following two weeks is he?

If you really want to give him time, February 14th makes sense. However, if he doesn't 'surprise' you on that day you are going to feel pretty depressed.

You have to be able to talk to each other, that is a bare minimum requirement for a happy relationship. You should be able to be open and honest with each, to say how you feel and to listen to each other's views and suggestions.

Don't sit around waiting for something that might or might not happen in three weeks time. Talk to him now, tell him how you feel.

If you can't do that, then don't marry him, he's not the one for you.

Original poster
SlaughteredWriter · 29/01/2014 16:02

Quick update ...

So the day I wrote this thread, he came home from work and I'd already decided I wouldn't mention it again until Friday. He was in about an hour before he mentioned ring shopping on Friday (with no prompting!!) and later that night instigated a conversation about honeymoon ideas and venues for the big day saying he understood I was willing to do it on the cheap but he'd rather pay a bit more and not have people thinking we struggled to pull it off (image is important to him, something we differ on!)

So since he'd instigated the engagement/wedding talk twice - I asked him how he felt about us actually buying the ring together. He wasn't happy as he said he was planning to "half suprise" me on valentines day but if that's what I wanted, I could choose my ring on Friday ... although he asked if I'd wait until valentines day for him to present me with it.

Good compromise, yeah? happy bunny .... tick!

OP posts:
Original poster
SlaughteredWriter · 29/01/2014 16:03

Oh and yesterday he was telling me about his new business cards and again .... with no prompting ... joked that I could have some with "Mrs" on. So at least he's no longer avoiding the subject. He also said he's going to wait until we tell his mum our good news before asking for another favour as she'll be so happy she'll agree to anything Grin

OP posts:
Dahlen · 29/01/2014 16:20
Smile
Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 29/01/2014 16:26

Hooray - and congratulations!

patienceisvirtuous · 29/01/2014 16:33

Yay! Congratulations!!

FlashDrive · 29/01/2014 16:41

Smile congratulations!

OpalQuartz · 29/01/2014 17:32

Great news op Smile

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 29/01/2014 20:20

I hope it all works out. Happy shopping!

DH and I found ourselves in a ring shop Wink.. I tried one on. It fit. He wouldn't buy it. I was a little disappointed for a few seconds then not so fussed. Assistant very pushy. Less than a month later I had a proposal - well 3 - a ring on my finger and the wedding date picked. I think DH took advantage of seeing the ring we both liked on my finger but did things his way so he could surprise me as he wanted and I expected. We are pretty traditional though I had asked him to marry me previously as it was a Leap Year.

DontmindifIdo · 29/01/2014 21:33

See, see, I said he wanted to do romance!!! Not all men on the relationships section are twats! Grin

(I would insist on picking the ring yourself, you will wear it every day for the rest of your life, you want it to be just right)

Sweden99 · 30/01/2014 08:55

This may not help, but as someone in a not very happy marriage, I cannot imagine wanting to marry again if I was single again and met the wmoan of my dreams. By the sounds of it, he has, and feels the same I imagine that I would. You are anxious and not having the wedding you desire, first work on the anxiety as one issue and then work on the next. Perhaps. I am sure you can make each other very happy.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 30/01/2014 09:02

Doesn't sound in the least bit romantic to me.

Just because a man agrees to let you buy a ring doesn't mean he isn't a twat.

I still think you should have a good long think about whether this man is the best you can do.

quietlysuggests · 30/01/2014 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tonandfeather · 30/01/2014 13:21

I'm with Joinyourplayfellows.

And bemused at all the romantics here who are overlooking this guy's faults, just because he wants to play the proposer, show off to his friends that he can afford a good wedding - and assumes the poster will get all gooey about displaying her marital status and being called "Mrs." on a business card.

Then there's the openly acknowledged manipulation of another woman - his mother, who apparently will be so weak-kneed with joy that she'll do anything.

I guess you must like guys with these traits poster, to want to marry him. I wouldn't have much hope that this will be an egalitarian marriage though, if that's what you were hoping for.

GarlicReturns · 30/01/2014 16:53

Glad it's not just me! I'm biased, though, as it has strong echoes of XH2, the weird control freak. We did have a fantastic wedding - should have done it without the actual marrying part Wink

I'm happy you're happy, OP. Enjoy Friday :)

temporarilyjerry · 30/01/2014 17:03

Just because a man agrees to let you buy a ring doesn't mean he isn't a twat.

GrinGrinGrin

Original poster
SlaughteredWriter · 31/01/2014 11:29

Well today is the day and you know what ... I'M having a wobble. I don't know what it is - I just can't shake the feeling that things are not as they seem. Up until last night he was all positive about the marriage thing - then last night I mentioned to him that the topic of conversation in the staff room yesterday was weddings (as two of them were getting married in a few months) so lots of pics of venues and dresses being passed around on phones etc Grin well he barely reacted at all, just looked at me as if to say "here we go again" although he never said that. I then said "One of them is getting married in that venue we were looking at" so he said "oh, how much was that? a grand?" (he knows full well it wasn't!) so I said "err no, just under 2 grand and then it's about £230 to get the registra to come out." so he said "oh right, thought we were going to look at the venues under £500 like village halls etc?" Confused so I said "well, I suggested that and YOU said you wanted to pay more so we didn't look poor!" so he started going on about the cost of the honeymoon etc even though we'd already decided we'd scrap that and just go away for a couple of days. I said I didn't want to spend loads and said "one of the girls at work is spending £1400 on her dress, can you believe that!" (I'd already said I'd seen one for £60 I like!! honestly you couldn't get a bride with cheaper taste than me!) and he sighed and said "oh you're stressing me out!" Hmm

I knew he'd start that the day before the "ring shopping". I confronted him and asked if he was having 2nd thoughts and he insisted he wasn't but one thing keeps running through my mind ... are we shopping today for a gobstopper?

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 31/01/2014 11:48

Don't marry this guy.

Phalenopsis · 31/01/2014 11:56

Honestly, OP having a relationship and planning a wedding shouldn't be this difficult. He either wants to marry you or he doesn't and it sounds as though he doesn't but is going along with it to shut you up and perhaps because he believes it's 'the right thing to do', which doesn't fill me with any confidence about your relationship.

I think you need time apart because I think there is a serious mismatch in feelings here.