How to cope with different sex drives? Male opinions welcomed too.

[maryloulou]

DH and I have been together 9 years and we have DD (7). I am struggling to cope with his high sex drive. He always asks in the morning and I am ashamed to say I give in most mornings regardless of my feelings. We have argued about this subject so much over the last few years and I do feel a bit worn down. He does get angry and sulks if I reject him most of the time. If he is OK about it he will expect it later in the evening or the next morning and I am normally just grateful for him not kicking off earlier that I will give in.

The few times we have discussed the situation he has explained that he gets so very frustrated if we don't have sex daily. He has said that if he switches his sex drive down then he will go cold on me because he can't be warm and loving but not get horny and expect things from me. He says it's all or nothing. This is the bit where I would appreciate a male opinion. Is this true? Is this how you think? I don't have much experience with other men.

Today we had an argument in the morning about something totally unrelated and he suddenly started being nice and suggested we go back to bed and make up. I was much too worked up to want to and he started kicking off again. It just feels like he is trying to get as much out of me as he can in the time we have together. We only see each other for 2 hours a day due to his work and most of that is spent in bed.

On the plus side he is always telling me how much he loves me and how sexy and gorgeous I am.

Has anyone been in a situation like this? Any advice is appreciated. How do we come to a happy medium?

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Writer, that's a bit unfair - Pan for one has come on just as concerned as female posters.

OP, hope you are ok.

[Writerwannabe83]

Wasn't meaning to be unfair at all (sorry if I offended any males) and I didn't mean to imply that all men think it's ok, the other male posters have given excellent views, advice support etc. I just meant I can understand vivien's posts a little more now as I had struggled with the viewpoint when I thought it was a female.

[AlwaysTomoro]

MaryLouLou, can you talk today? How are you feeling?

[differentnameforthis]

VivienStanshall I am not projecting my experiences at all. I am fortunate enough to not have a husband like the OP's, so nothing in my posts comes from personal experience. Just know an abuser when I read of one.

[maryloulou]

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for listening to me and making me realise a few home truths. I guess in my heart I know that what is going on is wrong, but my mind was so clouded that I didn't trust my instincts.

Just to clarify, I was interested in a male opinion, not because I value it more than female. Simply because I have been told so much about DH's expectations, that marriage should be like this or that, also my only other relationship ended shortly after my DP refused to pick me up from work unless I guaranteed sex that evening. It hit me last night that that relationship was going the same way as this one.

There must be something wrong with me, that I have ended up with men that treat me like this. I do have self esteem issues which I won't into now. I have been doing a lot of thinking, this is something I must address and indeed writing here and listening to all your advice is the first step for me. I will not LTB immediately, that is too fast and I must feel that I have done my best to reason with him however futile that may seem to you.

We had a good, calm chat last night. I have made it clear that I will not be repeating the act he wishes me to. I asked him to imagine his sister in the same position and he went silent, backed down, apologised and he promised never to mention it again. I have also said I will not be doing anything I am not 100% in the mood for, he has agreed that this is right. I have never been this strong against him.

You guys have all given me the strength to do this, to claim back my body. And I really can't thank you enough, it is heartening that strangers on the internet who really don't know me have shown me such kindness.

I realise that this all may be in vain and that DH's views are too deeply ingrained, that nothing will change in the long run. I may well be back shortly to say you were right. But at lease I can start to prepare myself to leave and have some kind of plan of action.

[CailinDana]

That is so good to hear mary. You need to do what you think is right. You will always get support here.

How are you feeling?

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Well done xx

[mcmooncup]

Good luck Mary.
Being strong feels good.
Put up with shit no more

Mn will support you whatever

[Allofaflumble]

Aww Mary, so good to hear back from you.....you have been at the back of my mind.....well done for speaking to him and I wish you well whatever happens. x

[DoctorTwo]

What a fantastic positive update. I really hope your H can change. All the best OP, you're great.

[Pan]

Well done you. Needless to say, but I'll say it anyway it looks like for a need for a zero-tolerance approach. With such ingraindedness, he will try to encroach and prob. blame you for being inconsistent.
and ta Doc for the comment on men's input here.

[Tonandfeather]

I don't know what to say because I hate to think of a woman spending even one more minute with a rapist and I'm worried there'll be an escalation.

So I'll just say please keep your safety and your daughter's wellbeing uppermost in your mind.

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

Well done Mary, you sound so much stronger. I'm glad you know in your heart that how he is behaving is very wrong. Wishing you best of luck.

[Mishmashfamily]

Well done you x

[maryloulou]

Cailin Thanks, I feel much stronger today and hopeful.

Pan I imagine that you are right, that he may try to encroach knowingly or not. I intend on re-reading this thread regularly to help me keep on top of things.

I don't really have anyone in RL that I would feel comfortable confiding in about this, I feel too ashamed. At least MN will give it to me straight.

[MatildaWhispers]

Well done, glad you feel better today.

I am not surprised you have self esteem issues. If you wanted to speak to someone in rl, is there any chance you could speak to a counsellor? You don't need to feel ashamed, it's not your fault your husband behaves like this.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Second that - your husband should be ashamed of himself, not you. Please remember it is your body and not his.

[HoratiaDrelincourt]

Well done.

It's not you, it's them.

[AlwaysTomoro]

Well done MaryLouLou...you sound much stronger and more confident than you did a few posts back!
It's easy to say LTB, but harder to do...like I said, it took me over a year and I had to be ready myself...but maybe you're making footsteps in that direction
Good luck.

[flatbellyfella]

It's good to see you have stood up to him at last, I hope you can maintain this stance from now on.

[maryloulou]

So that lasted long.

He went into a terrible mood on Sunday because when he approached me for sex I asked if we could wait until the evening.

On Monday he had an important meeting, so I decided to let the day before go. When I woke him he asked for a back rub. As I pulled back the cover he suddenly started shouting at me for making him cold. I tried to keep things calm but he totally lost it and shouted some pretty nasty things including that he was going to leave me, this was it, he had had enough of me, I wouldn't see him for days.

Of course, the important meeting (we were both relying on it financially) was messed up and it's all my fault for not calming him down when he was obviously stressed. He did come back that night and today it started again. He asked me to join him in bed this morning and I refused. He kicked off again, doesn't understand what has happened to me recently, who has been messing with my head. He says he has a very high sex drive, is propositioned at work, but says no because he is a decent guy. Then he has to come home to me refusing him and he is left very frustrated (he will sort himself out but he says it doesn't satisfy). I have explained that it is about me getting my self respect back and that I am fed up with being shouted at, he doesn't understand.

I told him we needed time apart and he has packed his suitcase and gone to stay with a friend.

My family want me to leave him, they say that I don't even notice his little diggs and criticisms anymore.

At this point I am all over the place. I feel really, really guilty. He works ridiculously long hours, often through the night. He was very upset when he left and it's tearing me apart. We have texted a bit about finances, no other contact. I'm not feeling strong right now. Please tell me if I'm doing the right thing?

[maryloulou]

sorry, that was a long update.

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

Marylou, you are absolutely doing the right thing.

He shows you no respect at all. Life doesn't have to be like that. Be strong.

[DoctorTwo]

Yes, you're doing the right thing. This 'man' has no respect for you or indeed for women in general. Don't feel guilty, he really is a nasty piece of work and your family are right to want you to get away.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

You have done the right thing. Whatever you decide in future, you need some space now so that you can get your body back and start feeling like it belongs to you, not to someone else.